Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Amen to this article. Since my sister had children, in the eyes of the new grandparents my brother and I are pretty much dispensable with.
Further, they have no idea why my brother and I don't think the grandchildren are THE coolest things ever to hit the earth.
Islam reproduces with high birth rates and conversion (forced or voluntary).
As an unmarried (and consequently childless) woman, I can relate to this article. Being unmarried adds a whole other layer to the issue for me, but I must say that I get annoyed by reactions from both liberals and conservatives to my life circumstances. From liberals, I often get a knowing look of "oh, good for you to refuse to be oppressed by a man," when in fact I am a strong supporter of marriage (one man and one woman, of course) and would love to marry, have children, and be a stay-at-home mom. From conservatives, I sometimes get looks of pity or even disdain--the "you poor thing, your life means less" look. I don't want to be assumed to be a feminazi just because I'm currently single and without kids and therefore largely focused on my career, and I also don't want to be told that my value is basically on hold unless and until I have a "family of my own."
Me, me, me, me!! Look at ME! Pay attention to ME!! Celebrate me!!
Sickening. My wife and I don't have kids and the reasons for that are personal. These people however, are children themselves.
What is worse is having children with the expectation that they are going to come visit you, and do not.
After working in a nursing home for a period of time, I would suggest that is in some ways more painful.
Also, there are a wide variety of reasons that married couples do not have children, and not all of them have to do with finances or responsibility issues.
Don't you agree that there are some people who you wish had thought a bit harder about whether they were suited to raising children or not?
LOL...based on the kinds of things they said in the interview, you know they want your daughter (and my sons) to subsidize their retirement!
That being said, if someone is really selfish enough to think having kids is going to "ruin their life" well, then I am glad they aren't parents.
I'm 36 and unmarried. That strikes me as a great reason not to have children.
I'd guess the demographic of this group is largely democrat voting.
You'll have to kidnap her husband and keep him in a donjon, then replace him with his evil twin, then...I'm sorry, I just ripped off Dynasty. My bad.
..."I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
This Wenker sounds like a real wanker.
These are the first people to remind you of what a tremendous sacrifice they have made.
If they're Catholic, their marriage is non-sacramental. It's even arguable whether this is a valid natural marriage.
It is a natural expression of fear from ignorance.
I find it interesting to see the same people years later after they worked through their fears and found their lives enriched by giving life and love to their children.
"Then stop burdening the Earth with your existence" Anthem - Ayn Rand
LOL
I'm glad you're alive. Most importantly, God is.
That's true. I spoke a bit hastily, there.
"I've met women like that and they're big diesel feminists. No thanks."
The two couples I know best who have made this decision always vote conservative, although more for fiscal reasons. Neither woman fits the "feminist" stereotype, although I guess it's safe to say they do believe in equal pay for equal work.
That is complete and total crap. Some people just don't get the urge to procreate. Also, some people don't get married until late in life and the biological ticker goes into "expire."
People who have kids when they can't afford them and ask me to pay the tab, people who have kids on purpose to bring them up in one or zero parent housholds, people who have kids when they are too old (such as Tony Randall) -- these are selfish (sometimes to the point of downright evil) people.
And there is no evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, that child-free couples vote liberal.
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