Free Republic
Browse · Search
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

"Buy one...get one free!"
23-July-2005 | Ron Pickrell

Posted on 07/23/2005 9:53:23 AM PDT by pickrell

Whenever a crowd gathers, the entrepreneurs shift gears and set up to sell their wares to the rubes. The early birds in Columbus, Ohio are even now rehearsing their pitch, "Clues! Getcher clues here. Fresh clues, buy one, get one free...Get -em while yer clueless..." We expect business to be brisk. You see, the Democrats are coming to Columbus. We will hide from the national press cameras so that no one knows that we live in this...mecca of the gentler party.

But first, get to know Columbus. We have a Democratic city council, and a Democratic Mayor, Michael Coleman, who is best buddies with Glen Beck of morning radio fame. He's looking for a clue, in order to find his elusive "manhood".

I work in a calibration laboratory, and when we pull out the clue meter, the needle doesn't even budge upscale, when the sensor is pointed towards city hall. Huge mysteries beset this city, and clues are needed. Badly.

Columbus passes new gun control legislation... and is mystified that for some odd reason the NRA has decided to move it's $ 20 million dollar convention to a less hostile environment.

Columbus public schools, headed by a Democratic school board, find no reason to become alarmed at gang rapes in their gymnasiums, and, on a totally unrelated note, are mystified that for some odd reason parents are removing their children to other school systems, threatening some very lucrative admin jobs.

Columbus education spokesman, noting the progressive new education techniques which have them "delighted that so much progress is being made by the students...", are mystified as to why the newspapers are making a big deal out of the city school system "progressing" from passing 4 out of 22 standards for academic achievement last year, to passing 1 out of 22 standards for academic achievement this year. Their spokesman notes that there is "no controlling legal authority" for failure, and , anyway, it all depends on what the definition of "failure" is. With maximum effort, we can reach absolute zero on the national academic achievement scale next year.

Ohio State University professors can see no apparent reason for having national School Achievement Standards, as mandated by the "No child left behind" legislation of President Bush. "Until we were forced to test our students, and were mandated to disclose the results, there was no problem here..." Students, when surveyed to poll their opinions, couldn't read the survey, and so lost by default, and went back to their "Earth in the Balance" lectures.

Obviously then, it is easy to see why the Democrats sojourn to Columbus looking for answers. They've totally given up trying to find their core values, and so, at this point will simply settle for a clue.

Having branded U.S. Marines and soldiers as "Nazi oppressors", they are trying to find out why the majority of Americans would rather trust Captain Kangaroo with our national security, than enable the Democrats to "reach out and touch softly", our misunderstood enemies.

Having publicly excoriated the Attorney General for the Patriot Act, they point to the lack of attacks in the U.S. so far as "evidence that the threat of terrorism is overblown". The British, when asked to comment, shook their heads in disgust, and went back to their rescue efforts.

Having identified Ohioans as flyover cretins, in a state mainly populated by "white christians" who, in their disdainful words, "... work for a living...", they are convinced, as evidenced by the words of genius Hillary, that "we can certainly win Ohio next time, if we can just come up with some magic phrase that the masses can understand..." (they'll have to be small words, Hil, so we kin unnerstan em).

They insisted that the President of the United States publicly disclose every military strategy that shall be used over the course of the entire war on terror, and every tactic that shall be used... and then were indignant when a woman who bragged to her friends about her superspy celebrity status, and had pictures of herself placed in magazines, was publicly "disclosed" as the one secret CIA weapon that might have saved us all. When it was disclosed that the same reporters who cried the loudest for investigation of this shameful revelation... had each known all along that the woman was a minor CIA functionary badly in need of some publicity to jump start her career... and were merely examining the stains on the blue cocktail dress that Karl Rove wore that night... the story abruptly failed for lack clues.

Oddly though, those same Protectors of the Intelligence Community were the ones who, years earlier, railed that the CIA was an evil organization that "smuggled drugs into our inner cities" and were known to associate with "bad people". Having successfully brought under control the "rogue" intelligence community during the Clinton Administration, they currently wonder aloud publicly why this suddenly tame, civilized and mild-mannered agency had detected no... clues... as to the emergence of a world wide terror organization.

Clues fer sale! Getcher red-hot clues here!

TOPICS: Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: clues; columbus; conventions; corevalues

1 posted on 07/23/2005 9:53:25 AM PDT by pickrell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: pickrell

Columbus: A true capital for head-in-rear syndrome

2 posted on 07/23/2005 9:56:29 AM PDT by Antonio Ciaccia
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pickrell
I always enjoy your writings and this one is especially entertaining. Funny, my best friend is a writer named "Pickurel." Slightly different, but very similar name. Norwegian I believe.
3 posted on 07/23/2005 9:57:05 AM PDT by EggsAckley
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pickrell

Columbus isn't nearly as bad as it seems to one that doesn't live there...

It has its moments, but if you check out the surrounding counties (all of which are going stronger with the GOP every year), this is just a short turn to the left.

No one really likes Coleman in the first place. OSU isn't that liberal (especially when compared to some other schools like say Denison University to it's east or Ohio University to the South and east).

Taft has been a boon for the Democrats because he is practically incompetent. If Blackwell (or Kasich or EVEN Petro) gets elected, the leadership will improve from having a different person in there.

Ohio is a red state waiting to be won. If it weren't for Cleveland, it wouldnt have been CLOSE last year.

4 posted on 07/23/2005 10:02:00 AM PDT by MikefromOhio (Proud member of Planet ManRam)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MikeinIraq

I'm gonna have to differ on that one. Columbus has the most arrogant City Council I've ever heard of, and yes, I can attest as a student, that OSU is very liberal. Everywhere you go it's statism and multiculturalism.

5 posted on 07/23/2005 10:06:29 AM PDT by Antonio Ciaccia
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: Antonio Ciaccia


ever been to Ann Arbor? It isn't that bad.

I wasn't talking about the damned city council, I was talking about the CITY. It isn't that bad of a place to be.

If the state GOP had any leadership at the top (meaning bubba bob taft), the Dems would REALLY be hurting in the state. They are anyway, but sometimes Taft makes it easy for them.

6 posted on 07/23/2005 10:09:04 AM PDT by MikefromOhio (Proud member of Planet ManRam)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: MikeinIraq; Antonio Ciaccia
"...I was talking about the CITY. It isn't that bad of a place to be..."

I think you are both right, in separate ways. We each tend to perceive the city through the prisms of where we are. For someone recently under the thumb of liberal professors and the leftthink mobs, the city would seem very leftist; but for those of us who live in the little neighborhood enclaves, insulated for the most part from most of City Council's excesses, the non-political part of the city is quite nice.

It's only when you face the morning papers that "the sigh" escapes from your mouth and you slowly shake off the newest stupidity.

And, I hate to say, when you realize what is being quietly done to an entire generation of students who have failed to escape from our school system, you can only bow your head and wish that evil wasn't so successful.

7 posted on 07/23/2005 3:03:30 PM PDT by pickrell (Old dog, new trick...sort of)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794 is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson