Why I´m Divorced And why you´re next

hartford advocate.com ^ | August 25, 2005 | by Annabel Lee

[tbird5]

I've seen two movies lately, one very funny ( Wedding Crashers ) and one infuriatingly stupid ( Must Love Dogs ), but both baffling in their lockstep to happily-ever-afterland. Why does romantic love, the kind that doesn't occur in life except fleetingly and disappointingly, still play to the crowds? I give the impecunious boat-builder and the petit bourgeois schoolteacher five years at the outside -- he's not going to keep her in end-tables. And Daddy's Little Girl will have ditched the immature arriviste long before that.

Why, in an era when men and women can barely achieve détente, in a First World where everyone suffers from attachment disorder, are we still ponying up for marriage? On the HBO series Six Feet Under a show I adore because all the characters behave abominably at all times, yet never manage to have more than a millisecond of fun men and women can't stay married or remain faithful from one week to the next. We're not quite that bad, we HBO viewers, but we're getting there.

I'm no historian, but it doesn't take a Paul Johnson (author of A History of the American People ) to tell us why it's so hard to stay married. We live too long. Marriage is a naturally polarizing process that causes one person to detest, over time, what the other person loves. Only after a couple divorces do they move back toward the center, where their interest in one another began. (I knew a man who left his wife because of the endless chintz and throw pillows. I went to visit him once in his new Bauhaus apartment, but he couldn't really talk he was too distracted by trying to choose the right tassels for his new Salamandre curtains.)

[DoughtyOne]

Thanks Gabz. I'm happy to hear it. It sure is nice to know you'll come home to a sane household each evening.

[Squantos]

Wow..... Thanks but I'd just cry and sob in a hysterical manner all through the ceremony due my opportunity lost.......:o)

When and where just in case Uncle Sugar puts me on travel and I can really make it. Freep mail me if ya have time !

[Jeff Chandler]

We live too long.

What does she mean "We"? Does she have a tapeworm?

[HitmanLV]

The author sure sounds like a bottle of sunshine. I can only guess why she has relationship problems. :-)

[Gabz]

Actually, hubby comes home to a chaotic household most evenings, I'm a stay at home mom :)

But we are very happy. I married an absolute saint.

But your point is very well taken.

and now I wish you a very sincere goodnight - I really need to get some shut eye.

It's been an interesting evening :)

[AnotherUnixGeek]

So, when people ask me, as they often do, why I haven't remarried, I've learned that the correct answer is a wistful smile and a girlish shrug. "I guess I haven't met the right one yet," I say.

"The right one" being, of course, some poor slob looking for the bitter, self-pitying shrew of his dreams.

[DoughtyOne]

Sorry about that. I appreciate that you are a stay at home mom. I asked my first wife to do that, and it turned out to be a big mistake.

I support stay at home moms and home schooling. I think they are very important to our nation's youth and our nation's future.

Good night to you also. Sounds like a nice family...

[beckysueb]

My wife and I have had our rough spots, but we realize we are pals, best friends, determined to make the best for us and our little corner of the world. We are bound together by the love of cats, knowledge, books, and truth, and we are bound together by a common hate of people such as the Clintons and their coterie of liars, apologists and criminal obstructionists, plus the unprincipled, condescending, lying crooks in the lamestream media and the left wing political machine. I highly recommend hating the same people and groups as a solid foundation of marriage. Try it, you'll love it!

That sounds exactly like me and my husband!

[durasell]

The right one" being, of course, some poor slob looking for the bitter, self-pitying shrew of his dreams


And,oddly, even after you say all that, I still think, well, what does she look like?

[x]

She is crazy and bitter. But she does score a few good lines:

Marriage is a naturally polarizing process that causes one person to detest, over time, what the other person loves. Only after a couple divorces do they move back toward the center, where their interest in one another began.

People with strong sex drives tend to admire and marry people who basically disapprove of sex. People with low sex drives are intrigued by people with high sex drives. Sexual opposites attract and then go on to torment each other 'til murder or divorce, whichever comes first, do them part.

It looks like marriage -- for some people -- is a lot like politics. For them, it's politics a deux, a struggle of two egos for predominance, and economists or political scientists could do a lot with it, if they haven't already.

[fr_freak]

Aw! She expresses how some of us feel right now. The rest of you were lucky, so don't forbid us the enjoyment of the writer's humor or her protrayal of harsh but somehow comforting reality. The lady has a point.

This woman doesn't have a point. This woman is not the victim of the problem with marriage these days - this woman IS the problem with marriage these days. Anyone with an attitude and arrogance like hers should never get married. Ever. This is precisely the kind of woman that makes men bitter, should they be unfortunate enough to get sucked into a soulless sham of a marriage with a freak like this.

[SFConservative]

I bet there are many couples like us - and the secret ingredient is probably cats! Their simple needs and their unconditional love (shown only when they want to) sure keep us sane in the face of all the insanity ...

[beckysueb]

I believe you hit on it. Nothing like a sleeping kitty in your lap. Pure contentment.

[NoControllingLegalAuthority]

Marrying for love may seem foolish but marriage is not the most practical thing one can do.

As my ol' Pappy used to say, "The only way two can live as cheaply as one is if one don't eat."

Of course, one can always live strictly for yourself and never marry. Focus all effort upon yourself and see how happy a life that can be. I know some very unhappy people doing that very thing.

[Jeff Gordon]

It is not hard to stay married. All you need is commitment. I know that concept is strange to the "I voted for that before I voted against it" crowd.

[Criminal Number 18F]

I don't feel sorry for this bitter, vengeful, material-obsessed shrew. And I don't feel sorry for her ex-husband. What kind of loser would spend ten minutes with such a wretched person, let alone marry her? Certainly, the kind that deserves the most awful suffering, like being around this person.

I do feel sorry for the child they apparently had, the son that, as she describes, became the goat in his immature parents' game of courtroom buzkashi.

For those who want to see her male equivalent in action: http://nomarriage.com/

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F

[Siouxz]

What a bitter, bitter shell of a human being. She is so superior to us married people who actually honor our wedding vows? After 22 years of marriage, it IS possible to keep the "spark." No, we're not like giddy teenagers in love, but with time comes the realization that you can't stay in that "new love" state forever. Then, something better happens. Depening respect for the other person. A lifetime of memories made together. Watching your children grow up to be productive members or society, or watching your children not turn out so well, and grieving about it--together. Supporting one another when a parent dies, a job is lost, or the wolf comes knocking at the door.

Has our marriage been idyllic? Far from it. But we both knew we were in it for the long haul, and toughed out the bad times. I look forward to and pray for many years with the one person in my life who knows me, warts and all.

My major recipe for marital bliss? Women, please learn that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE YOUR HUSBAND. He is who he is. Love his strengths and learn to live with the "little things" that bother you. After time, they won't bother you so much. Sometimes they even become endearing.

[MarkL]

Dear Annabel,

I think that you're right. The reason that you're unhappy is that you've lived too long. Please take care of that problem at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Mark

[backhoe]

I may be wrong here, but tell me this isn't a new literary form: ( the ) drunken bitter chick.

Excellent, and accurate, observation.

This bitter, sour, and egomaniacal woman sounds to me like one of the legions who get their ideas of what life should be like from movies, TV, and other imaginary vehicles. She needs to try real life. But that probably would clash with her preconceptions.

[Rebelbase]

Starting my 11th year divorced and single. The older I get the more I like not being married. The oldest child has left the nest and the younger one has 5 years left.

I know never say never but I don't see it happening again.