Posted on 02/28/2006 1:23:15 AM PST by beaversmom
Fascinating research suggests that as many as one in five thirtysomething British women is planning a child-free future.
When Jemma North was eight years old she had an epiphany. 'At school, someone's mum was pregnant. All the other little girls were really excited, but all I could think was, "You go through all that and all you have at the end of it is a baby?" I decided then that I would never have children.'
Of course, Jemma's pronouncement was dismissed, much as if she'd announced a plan to be a circus clown. But today, aged 32, married and surrounded by peers who are starting families, she is as adamant about her choice as ever. Yet everyone from family to complete strangers is constantly telling her: 'You'll change your mind.' If they do take her seriously, they warn her: 'You'll regret it.' It infuriates her.
'I don't want children, my husband doesn't want them and we're happy as we are,' she insists. 'The only thing that makes me unhappy is people questioning my decision all the time.'
In our society few objects attract greater pity than the childless woman. She is, we assume, old, unfulfilled, shallow, emotionally damaged, out of touch with the greatest truths of the universe. Almost daily, headlines warn about thirtysomething career women risking heartbreak by delaying pregnancy. Couples spend thousands of pounds to endure the physical and mental ordeal of IVF.
Yet for Jemma, who works for an engineering firm in Northampton, such a vision had no power to frighten. 'I am more put off by the image of being a mother,' she tells me. 'I'm not saying mothers are stupid, because, of course, a lot are far more intelligent than me, but that was my early impression. It seemed to be the thing you did if you had no other ambition.'
Jemma is far from alone. According to the Office of National Statistics, one in five British women in their thirties has decided not to have children. And it may be that a number of these have had less choice in the matter than they thought. Geneticists at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute in Cambridge have demonstrated in mice that mutations on a certain gene can cause mothers to neglect their offspring. The same gene also exists in humans.
But whatever the social or genetic forces that play upon us, becoming a mother is still seen as a defining moment. Magazines are full of celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow gushing about how her Oscar means nothing compared to the delights of changing Apple's nappy. In contrast, rare are the voices of women such as the actress Helen Mirren, who has admitted: 'I didn't have that desire to be a mother and I don't think a lot of women do. A lot are pressured into it and they're miserable.' And whenever such comments are voiced, they are usually drowned out by a clamour of disapproval and disbelief.
'Oh, I am fed up of having to justify myself on this subject!' explodes Nicki Defago, a 39-year-old married and childfree (to use her preferred jargon) broadcast journalist. She is the author of Childfree and Loving It!, a book written after she discovered Amazon offered more than 1,000 tomes about what children eat but none about the advantages of childlessness.
'When you say you don't want children, you get the same reaction you'd have got 20 years ago if you said you were gay,' Nicki continues. 'I imagine it's a bit like you must feel if you don't go to church in America. A big section of society is appalled at the notion that there are ladies who don't want to have a baby, and quite a lot of people aren't judgemental but still just can't get it.'
Until I started researching this article, I confess, I fell firmly in the latter camp. Aware of the devastation children would wreak on my carefree life, I nonetheless always hoped to have them. So fundamental was this desire that I was sceptical of women who claimed they didn't want children. As far as I was concerned, they were just trying to put a brave face on the fact that they were unable to conceive, or had never found the right man, or had been bludgeoned by their partner into agreeing not to have them.
Nicki doesn't see it that way. 'You get a far better reception if you tell people you tried and couldn't have children, than if you tell them you don't want them,' she corrects me. But why are people who, for example, are supportive of gay rights, unable to get their heads round the idea that not everyone wants to breed?
Nicki thinks it is because the issue of children 'goes so deeply. A high percentage of us now think there's no God and if you add to that there's no need to reproduce then what on earth is it all for? Choosing not to have children gets to the heart of all those big issues.'
Existential questions apart, much of the debate seems to be fuelled by a baser jealousy. However much they love their children, most parents still yearn for aspects of their old lives.
To see a childless friend enjoying the orderliness, extra cash and spontaneity they have lost, with no apparent sense of 'missing out', can be horribly undermining. Recently the 53-year-old model Marie Helvin explained that her youthful looks were down to a life of no children and, therefore, no stress - a comment that sent a visceral pang through every mother slathering Touche Eclat on her eyebags.
'I know one father of small children who's always saying things like, "Ooh, it's not fair, you are going on holiday next week, we have to go in the school holidays,"' says Jemma North. 'He doesn't seem to appreciate that it's not a question of fairness, that I made a decision to live like this.'
For Regan Forrest, 30, a museums exhibit organiser from Leicester, the downside of children starts with conception. 'I'm uncomfortable with the physical changes of pregnancy and labour,' she admits. 'In my twenties I had body image issues. I've learnt to put up with that but the idea of putting your body through an unknown process is completely terrifying. The turning-point came at a work dinner when a colleague started going on about how his wife had disembowelled herself during labour,' she recalls.
'My partner's a doctor and the obstetric part of his training completely repulsed him. I'd never want him to be repulsed by me.'Equally daunting was the prospect of combining her career with childcare. 'I like to give my career 100 per cent. I don't think I could do the at-home mum thing.'
To parents, such misgivings may seem narcissistic and defeatist. But, Regan retorts, 'I'm demonstrating a degree of self-awareness. I may be selfish but at least I'm not going to let my selfishness affect another person. Anyway, what could be more selfish than propagating your genes? People say that on a biological level that is what we are here to do, but as a species we have transcended our biology. We don't live in caves any more and we don't need to breed.'
Like all women I spoke to, Regan is unconvinced by the arguments in favour of parenthood - the almost transcendent love you feel for children, the joy of watching them develop. 'Maybe women like us are mentally deficient,' says Regan. 'But we're so lucky to be born at this point in history. In the past, I'm sure, women felt like us, but they didn't have a choice.'
The polarity between the two camps could not be sharper. When I told friends who are mothers, or hope to be, about this article, they repeatedly said that - while intellectually respecting the position of the childless - emotionally they found it completely alien. Similarly, child-free women are politely disbelieving when they listen to friends describe a yearning for babies that is almost like a physical ache.
'I'd love to be sympathetic when I hear about women breaking their hearts trying to get IVF, but I can't. It's the opposite of what I feel,' says Anne-Marie Greenslade, 28, a mental-health worker from Warrington, Cheshire. 'I must look so callous when they're telling me, but I can't help it. I simply can't imagine being in their position.'
And there are compelling statistics to back up Anne-Marie's decision. Surveys show that people who choose not to have children (as opposed to those who desperately want them, but can't) tend to have better marriages, better finances and are no more likely to be unhappy in old age than parents.
Alison Townley, 55, a civil servant from Glasgow, toyed with the idea of becoming a mother in her twenties because it was what society expected of her, but felt unable to take the plunge. Today she has no regrets. 'The anguish I was warned about simply isn't there, which surprised me but in a wonderful way. My husband and I revel in our freedom and we resent implications that our life somehow has no purpose. When people have children they seem to give up on their own aspirations and pass the buck on to the next generation. I love the idea that I can still achieve my potential, rather than foisting all my hopes on some other sap.'
If you had bothered to investigate properly you would have discovered that I am the one married to the nicest and prettiest girl in the world. I will overlook your presumption this time but don't let it happen again. ;-)
A rather succinct summation of atheism.
Yeah, the article did mention that since so many now do not believe in God, they don't see the need to reproduce because "what is it all for?". Sad, really.
Those with attitudes like this shouldn't pass on their genes.
Then there's some of us that should take up the slack!
Better to have no desire for children than to have 5 and be Andria Yates.
I, too, am glad that you didn't have kids.
You don't deserve them.
So true. I work with women in there 30's and they act like they just graduated high school. Bars, concerts, living off of mommy, have to have a man even if he is a loser, ect ect. Truly sad to watch them age and yet the mind is that of a teenager. To each his own if you don't want kids that’s fine.
That's where it is up to us, the conservative parents, to raise kids who are aware of our country's history, who CAN read, write, and do some math, so that they can take on positions of responsbility in this country when they're adults.
Ask the pope. He has no children either and is for sure Christian. Christians do not have to have children nessecarily.
Soon it will be overwhelmingly Muslim as the dominant religion through immigration and birth rate, and the world is witnessing the results that brings.
Muslim immigration has nearly come to an end. Most "new" muslims who come to Europe are brides that marry European muslim men. Why? Because they are submissive. The muslim girls who grew up in Europe adapted large parts of the European way of living. They are not obedient anymore. The next thing is that they found out -just like their Christian sisters- about the anti-baby-pill. Although it is true that muslim families usually have more kids than native European ones, we are talking about the question if a woman has 1, 2 or 3 kids. Larger families are extremely seldom since muslim men and women also like to live in wealth. Having many kids means to be poor.
In the Old Testament, one of the first commands given by God was to "be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth". Those who heed that will rule; those who don't will be ruled over.
It is indeed true that religion as a whole doesn't play a large role in the political and social life of Europe anymore. It is a private matter. To tell you the truth: We are dealing with this situation since the beginning 70ties and we are doing fine.
People who are talking about "Eurarabia" are usually not very well informed. Europe indeed has a problem with things like the recent cartoon discussion. The solution to such stuff is quite simple: We have to kick those out, who refuse to arrange themselves with our system. I like the recent developments since they will trigger a much harder actions on those Muslims who want to damage our society. Anyway - any panic about Eurarabia is BS.
Europe needs immigration from educated and intelligent people. I absolutely do not care about their religion as long as they behave.
I have a sister who feels the same way. She is a 46 year old orthodontist who hates children. She fulfills any needs by having relatives with children come visit her then she sends them home. I think she may regret it in a few years when she can no longer have the choice to have her own children. That time is coming quicker. I guess the results will come forward soon enough.
Hehe! The election for the new miss universum can begin.
Your tag comment speaks volumes about you...
I couldn’t disagree more. Hardly a day goes by where I don’t wish my mother hadn’t had me. I’m pretty ugly and being ugly just sucks. Though even under the best of circumstances, life largely consists of pain, setbacks, disappointment and regret, watching you body corrode beneath you and then party ends with death. To top it off, unless I obey as set of rules I never agree to, I can look forward to spending eternity being tortured to an extent and degree beyond my imagination.
Wow, life really is a “gift.”
It certainly undermines the claim of exclusivity for heterosexuals based on promoting children. And, OK, maybe I shouldn't have said marriage. How about civil unions?
And what does homosexuality have to do with this? Well, I read a good number of posts lately that disclaim on the evils of homosexuals in the context of the same-sex marriage question. Some really over the top. And since I often equate homosexuality to sterility, and since this article is about sterility, well, there you go. It’s like some posts above bringing in Islam and declining birth rates of Westerners. They are not directly linked to the article’s topic, but they are not random either.
And here's another homosexual tangent to the article: Suppose one of these lifestyle sterile women gets pregnant.
“Oh dear,” says she. “I’ll just pop down to Dr. Death’s Abattoir for Lifestyle Sterility and get this unviable tissue mass taken care of, before it ruins my figure. Lord, I don’t want some other sap to foist my hopes on. I’d be a terrible parent anyway.”
Now the woman has neighbors, two men living in conjugal sin. They tell her, “Darling, nothing can ruin your figure, because you never had one in the first place. Look we have been saving for that beautiful yacht, but we cannot condone killing an innocent baby just because you like to fool around, aren’t careful, and are so selfish that nothing – not even human life – can come between you and your pathetic, mortal hopes. We’ll financially support you through your pregnancy, compensate you for your year of giving up your lifestyle, and then we’ll adopt the baby. You don’t have to foist your hopes on no one. We’ll foist our hopes on this 'some other sap,' as you so selflessly call it.”
See, I just connected the article to gay adoption.
The situation here in Germany was not very different in 1986 to the situation today. The number of our muslim populace was nearly the same. We already had large Kurdish demonstrations in Germany at that time. When a Dutch entertainer (Rudi Carell) made some jokes about Khomeini (his picture was shown in a mountain of sexy underwear - very funny) we had quite simular reactions from the Iranians. They demonstrated in front of our embassy and threatened Carell.
I guess I qualify as an "older woman", since I'm 50 and my decision not to have children can't be changed at this point (even if I wanted to change it).
We're all alone in the end, of course. The question is, if we don't have children, does that mean we have no family? I don't think so. I have such good friends, of various ages - I'll be at their deathbed, and some will be at mine.
Having children is no guarantee they will be close to you. My mother in law has two sons; if either one is at her deathbed, it will not be voluntarily or from any sense of actual love. She did not form that relationship with them when it counted, and it assuredly does not exist now.
This is the sad end of living without kids and it is not just a problem of the women anymore. My children are the footprints I will leave on this planet. Although I am quite religious I find it consoling that a very personal part of me will remain here to continue where I have ended.
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