Vanity: I have a slacker daughter

me | 12-1-01 | mykdsmom

[mykdsmom]

I don't think I've posted a vanity in about a year since the one about my MIL being a Clinton buttkisser, which she still is but she has learned to not talk to me about it.

Now I have a different problem. My daughter will be 19 in Jan and is currently at a small Free Methodist college in MI, at least she is until 2 weeks from today when she finishes her first semester.

She's failing her World History class. Her other classes are all A's and B's, but they are easy classes. Her father and I are divorced, he lives in MI where she has also lived for the past 4 years. We felt she wasn't ready for college d/t basically a HUGE lack of maturity. She acts more like a 15 year old IMO. She's never been an outstanding student not because she's not bright but because basically she could care less.

She's very outgoing and social, lots of friends and always wanting to be out having a good time. We felt she would have difficulty handling the "freedom" of school with nobody checking up on her making sure she did homework etc.

Since she desperately wanted to attend this extremely expensive small private college we decided to let her attend on a probationary period. Our agreement was that she maintain a C in all her classes. Her father and I are both college grads and since we know what it entails we didn't think this was too much to ask.

She's been keeping her grades from us but she knew she was in trouble in this particular class a LONG time ago. Uh.....39 on the first exam. Rather than get the help that was available she chose to do nothing.

Now she's failed 3 exams and failed to turn in a book review. I told her tonight that she was done in 2 weeks, her dad would be coming to get her and she would not be going back to a $16,000 a year school. We don't have money to throw away like that.

Her options are getting a job and living at his house, she would be responsible for rent etc. Of course we prefer her to get an education so we've offered community college for now.

She is hysterical and won't speak to me. Her father is a wuss and wouldn't lay it on the line with her even though he and I are on the same page here so I had to do it.

I guess I just need some Freeper wisdom here. Do you think we did the right thing? She's a good kid, never been in trouble, deeply religious but just wants to have fun and can't see past tomorrow.

I know we can't make her want an education, it's something that she has to want for herself. My husband thinks a healthy dose of reality might shock her into shape. Move back to her dad's for now and get a full time job and charge her rent etc, make her pay for all her own food and expenses so she can see just how far a minimum wage job won't go.

I'm hoping that if some of you have experienced something similar you can give me some ideas here.

MKM

[bcbuster]

I am a 4th year junior and it will probably take me 6 to get out. I can't blame her for not being motivated about class.

First of all, there is this whole liberal arts thing. At my university, no matter what degree you go for, half the credits have to be in subjects not relating to your major. This is totally useless. Also a certain number of those credits have to be in classes that promote "diversity".

Then there are the classes themselves. Besides the liberal garbage that I have come to expect from most classes, there have been things that I could never have imagined.

For example in one class we watched a PORN movie which featured a woman with one breast having sex with a black guy. This was a real porn, total hardcore. We were told that this shows how people that are different can still live normal lives and also to promote diversity. By the way this was for ENGLISH 101. Also in that class we spent a whole day learning about the teacher's lifelong project: a homosexual version of Dungeons and Dragons. I am not making this stuff up. On another occasion, we had members of the gay and lesbian club come in to talk about accepting their culture. Keep in mind that this was done in place of learning English 101 so if you guys see any problems with my grammar or sentence structure here, you know who to blame.

I have learned more reading this site in a day than I have in 4 years of college. When I get my degree, I probably will not be able to do anything with it and I will just keep working with computers and getting computer certifications unless I decide to go to law school or grad school. So College is kind of in the eye of the beholder. I think it all depend on what your goals are. 4 years of college has provided me with a bunch of debts and no useful knowledge whatsoever.

I am often called a "slacker" because of my attitude towards school and student jobs like retail and other deadend work. Some of us just have higher goals in life and we want to try to skip a few steps to get there. That is what your daughter sounds like to me. I wouldn't give her too hard of a time, but also don't waste your money on school if she is not interested.

[My Favorite Headache]

She is failing in one class. C'mon...I am 27 and have been through the ropes and failed more than one time and I was not the dictionary term of slacker. I say let her stay and prove she can shape up the next semester. If not she has at least completed a year. Give her one more shot. I think you might be a little hard here considering she is strong in faith, not a trouble maker, and is getting good grades otherwise.

[Pistias]

I'm in school right now. I spent the first two years here slipping by with B's (and occasionally worse)and partying all the time. I think your daughter's "lack of maturity" might be the same thing I had (and still do, to an extent)--that is, she just doesn't know what to do; all her options seem undesireable, and she's torn. Did you ever read Allan Bloom's Closing of the American Mind? There's philosophical points that are questionable in the book, but the diagnosis of higher education is informative.

You say she failed history. I suspect that you, being here, probably taught some conservative, Christian (or similar) morals to her, right? She might have had her first big run-in with the "Historical" school of thought, or something like it. I got a D in a practical writing course (and not to toot my horn, but I can write like it's my job when I put my mind to it) because I skipped a LOT of class and neglected the readings that were assigned, because the guy who was teaching it was a hard-core relativist and I couldn't stand listening to that drivel for 50 minutes.

Then again, she might just be in the time of her life when the passions burn too hot for quiet study. In that case, junior college may be the choice (just MAKE SURE you coordinate your transfer credits--they'll screw you royally if you're not careful), but junior college is full of the sorts of people I hung around with when I started school, and may make the problem worse. Does she have any particular interests or plans?

[VA Advogado]

6 months flipping burgers will make her want one.

No, 6 months flipping burgers will turn her into a degenerate.

[TheBigB]

Remember that free advice is worth what you pay for it. :) That being said...I was in a sort-of similar sitch back at her age (I'm 31 now). I wasn't ready for College. I made good grades in HS, and earned a partial scholarship. But I just wasn't ready. I spent the first three semesters as an engineering major. BIIG mistake. It wasn't as though I couldn't -do- the work, rather I just didn't have the interest. Result: I lost my scholarship. I felt like a complete failure and like I had let my parents down. But God bless them, they were supportive. My dad told me, "Son, whatever you want to be, that's what you should be. And we'll support you." They didn't yank me out, but rather I switched my major and buckled down. Biology was much more interesting to me. So my final two semesters I made the Dean's List and went on to get my MS. :)

Now, how does this apply? Well, what's she majoring in? Maybe she just wasn't interested in the course itself. Why don't you sit her down and talk to her (I'm sure you've tried--try again) and ask her flat-out what she wants to be. If she can't give you an answer, ask about her interests. You know what she's good at and what she's not. The Community College way seems good--get her a part-time job (to pay for at least some partial expenses) and get her to take a few classes there in a major that interests her. Tell her if she keeps her grades up, she can go back to another College (not the same one, IMO). She seems like a good kid, but remember that's what she is--a kid. In outlook, anyway.

Just my $00.00. :) Good luck!!

[VA Advogado]

75% of CEO's don't have a college degree. Much of benefit can be learned in the real world

Where did you come up with this statistic? I dont believe it for a second.

[mykdsmom]

LOL......impossible since he and I have both remarried.

I know I know, I wasn't a Dr. Laura listener when I messed up and married him at the ripe old age of 19. HUGE mistake, which I have some sense of guilt about which may explain why I'm second guessing myself.

YIKES.....this sounds like a Jerry Springer show LOL.

MKM

[operation clinton cleanup]

I was in the exact same situation. I tried to drag out the fun times of high school into college. I refused to grow up. After two semesters in a 10,000 dollar a year college, my dad cut me off. I worked for two years at a 6 dollar an hour job and watched my friends graduate and move on. I joined the military and matured quickly. I finished my degree without my parents money (tax payers money, sorry!) and have joined my peers, although several years late!

[RightOnline]

Guess I forgot you're in Raleigh. You know that I am as well, don't you? :) Try a couple of years for her at Wake Tech (actually, a damned tough little school) transferring afterward to NC State. Worked great for my oldest son, now at State. Both Wake Tech and NC State are VERY reasonable; in fact, State's a downright bargain and a terrific school.

[IronJack]

Pull the plug on her. Let her get out and see the ugly side of life. It's finishing school, and it will wake her up faster than anything you can imagine.

[VA Advogado]

I don't do that with my 4 and 6 year olds, I try to be consistant with them and her. I feel her dad has let her get away with too much and there lies a lot of the problem.

Are your 4 and 6 year olds from the same father? If not maybe you resent the 19 year old because she's a product of your ex, who you clearly resent.

[SCalGal]

Flipping burgers has turned my neice into a VERY dedicated student.

[Mind-numbed Robot]

She's a good kid, never been in trouble, deeply religious but just wants to have fun and can't see past tomorrow.

There are some lessons in scripture that might help her see a bigger picture and devote herself to her studies for a higher purpose. I pinged Phikapmom because I think her advice would be helpful to you.

[goodnesswins]

"maybe you resent the 19 year old because she's a product of your ex, who you clearly resent."

Oh, c'mon....where did you get "resent?" I haven't heard her say that. She seems to be being honest about his lack of being able to (or wanting to) set rules for his daughter, not something unusual with guys and their adolescent daughters.

[zeaal]

Or a week at Wal-Mart checking groceries will do the trick. Our High Schooler is convinced education is a good thing. New appreciation for it.

[jeremiah]

Whatever you do, make sure you and your ex, are in complete agreement AND speak to her with one voice. Tough love from you, and pampering pity from Dad will end up alienating her from you, and coloring her attitude forever.

[nopardons]

Consistency is the ONLY answer ! She signed a contract with you, and she failled miserably, to keep her end of the bargin.DO NOT ALLOW HER TO TO BACK TO COLLEGE , NOW !

In 1991, when my now adult daughter went off to college ( one which THEN cost $25,000 for room, board, and tuition ... excluding books, riding [ equestrian team ] costs / clothes, " fun " , travel. phone, and clothes ) , I told her that I expected her to continue doing as well as I knew that she could, and that there was NO WAY , that I would pay for more than FOUR years of undergrad college. Many kids today ( her first cousin was one of them ) take six years to get through college. I did it in 4 ( and I really only needed 3 credits my last semester, but took more ) , and she could / would do the same.

She not only graduated with honors, was elected to Psi Chi ( the national honor society of psych majors, with an A average in her majors ) , but did it in 7 semesters, as a psycho-bio major ! Se was aghast at the kids who partied ALL of the time, didn't study, and shook her head over the fact that they were " WASTING THEIR PARENTS' MONEY ". Why did she " get it " at 18 ? I don't know, but she did.

Has you daughter ever had to work, in order to pay for the things that she wanted ? If not, that may be one reason she has been so cavilier about wasting YOUR hard earned money.

No matter WHAT she says, no matter how MUCH she cries, this is NOT the time to give in to her. Make her work, AND pay her own way. Elsewise, she will NEVER become a true adult.

As for the persin who said " give her another chance ", I would like to ask two question.

1. Do YOU have any children ?

2. As a Libertarian, how on earth can you say " give her another chance ", when she has committed FRAUD ( not meeting the responsibilities spelled out in a signed contract ), and is NOT being personally responsible; two of the BIG tenents of Libertarianism ?

[richardthelionheart]

Parents sent me away to a ranch at 14. At the time I needed discipline real bad, was real hyper and unable to concentrate. Learned to calm down and concentrate on class when I had no other choice. I came home for first time at age 18, and parents told me to immediately get a job and pay rent to them. Worked at Fridays washing dishes/bussing tables before starting college. Freaked me out at first but was good. Worked along some ex-cons in the back kitchen! Slacked my first year in college, dad said I'd have to pay my next semester. Wasnt happy but I liked school a lot better then life at the ranch or at home with the folks so for a couple days was mad at the folks but realized there was no other choice for me and when I cooled down, I decided to spite my parents got two jobs, still went out, pledged frat and grades improved so dad would pay again. Well, graduated from college and am now in Law School and should be studying for finals. Made it through my first year of law school with better grades then I made in college(there is a nice curve in law school). Make your daughter get a job, have her organize her day. It took me years to do that and trust me you can still party, workout and yes study. Its all about discipline and learning about those who have chosen not to succeed! My life experience has effected my ideology greatly as I had to learn its all up to you. Let your daughter fail if need be and let her pick herself up by herself. Discipline is the key. Good luck and tell your daughter she can still have plenty of fun, but let her know the consequences of her failures. Give her one more chance!

[rainingred]

I was recently in the same place you are. My son, bombed out of a 4 year University. I negotiated a deal with him. I would allow him to move back home, as long as he:
Got a job.
Bought a car and paid for it's insurance and up keep.
Attended school. (He pays tuition and books at the local community college)

He agreed. He keep up his end of the deal. He works full time and goes to school part time. He will be getting his AA in June. Okay I admit his grades are still not up to my standards, but hey he's passing and it's his money. He has still not decided if he wants to go on. If he decides to quit, out the door he goes. I do not charge him rent, because he is paying for school and he pays for all his own expenses except food, heat, water etc..

Surprise, surprise, My slacker kid is a wonderful employee and handles his finances better then most adults I know. He has almost saved a down payment on a house.

I recently negotiated the same deal with my 18 year old, who will be graduating in January from high school.

Hope this helps, from a now proud parent.