From: John Ashcroft, Attorney General
To: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense
Re: Capture of Abu Zubaydah
Congratulations on the capture of that [expletive deleted]. That said, there are some items of concern.
1. Suspect says he was not given a chance to surrender peacefully.
2. Suspect also claims that the only comment he heard from the Special Forces troops in country was "April Fool, mother[expletive deleted]."
3. Suspect also tested positive for Versed.
I do not mean to sound like Ramsey Clark, but these suspects have rights. If the conduct by the Special Forces personnel is as Mr. Zubaydah claims, we might not be able to prosecute the [expletive deleted] in court.
r/s
John Ashcroft.
From: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense
To: John Ashcroft, Attorney General
Re: Concerns over the capture of that [expletive deleted]
Ref: Yr memo of 04/02/02
WRT the points raised in your memo, the following clarifications are offered.
1. WRT suspect's claims that he was not allowed to surrender peacefully: suspect was whacked out on bad hash and even worse smack, firing an AK-47 in random directions, and shouting, "You wanna play games? You [expletive deleted] wanna play games? Well, say hello to my little friend here!" Given the circumstances, the Special Forces soldiers acted with an entirely commendable degree of restraint.
2. WRT to suspect's claims over verbiage from Special Forces troops: the Special Forces commander vigorously contests the claim that his team said "April Fool, mother[expletive deleted]," as his troops were smart enough to know that it was still March.
3. WRT report that suspect tested positive for Versed: Johnny, me lad, the DoJ has to pony up for a better grade of gas chromatospectrographic doohickey-thingie. The ones you use are war surplus, and CRIMEAN war surplus at that! Obviously the spectra spectre widget was confused by the intoxicants the [expletive deleted] had consumed prior to his apprehension.
We fully realize the importance of ensuring that the [expletive deleted]'s rights are protected. However, if all else fails, we can always drop the [expletive deleted] off in downtown Peshawar, in front of a known Al-Qaeda front organization's office, stuff $10,000 in his pocket, and thank him for all his help. It might save your prosecutors some wear and tear. Just an idea.
r/s
Donald Rumsfeld
PS You up for golf? I have a tee time for 1400 Thursday (that's 2 PM for the Justice Department, and when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2 if you're a Democrat :o) at Greenbriar. It'd do us both some good to get out of the office and wear some stupid-looking shirts, slacks, and shoes.
r/s,
Rummy