Posted on 04/10/2002 9:29:38 AM PDT by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
And I have no problem with these kinds of "behind the scenes" machinations.
And I can find one of these, where? LOL! My son's self esteem is so in the toilet that he is hyperdefensive and totally arrogant. He has GAD and that makes him feel very different. Of course, it's not at all helpful to panic on field trips.
Even the older kids we know (Derrick is almost 10) can't stand him. And I can understand why. He is very difficult. I assumed they were basically decent kids and if I spoke to them honestly about what was going on that they'd give him a break.
Nope. Now that they KNOW that threatening to kill him REALLY does scare him to death, it's more fun.
Are you averse to the modern seretonin uptake meds like the modern anti-depressants? The reports of success seem to be MOSTLY RELATIVELY side-effect free, broad based acclaim etc.
I assume you've been the behavior mod conditioning route as much as you care to bother with, too?
Finding an elder brother sort of person sure is a challenge--even in good churches. However, good, loving, warm, humble churches are a good place to start--and they are rare enough themselves. I certainly wouldn't be above getting in the face of a pastor or 3 if that's what it took.
If that wasn't a viable route for some reason, I guess I'd earnestly search out caring souls among my extended network at work, home, shops wherever I knew people at all. IT's SUCH a priority, in my view. I'd try not to leave a stone unturned.
If I had to, I'd secretely hire such a person even if I had to work out some barter arrangement. . . . to spend 2-3 quality hours and some phone call time per week with my son. I'd set up specific, concrete, measurable goals for change on the part of my son. I'd pay a bonus for each significant notch of such improvement. I'd ask a respected male colleague, associate, relative, friend to do the initial interviewing with me. I'd focus on emotional, social etc. healthiness on the part of the individual as well as very tender heartedness, humility, nongay comfort with nongay physical affection of suitable sorts and degrees etc. I'd ask what strategies he'd use to reach the goals I presented. I'd suggest whatever I thought useful and ask the male friend to suggest some. If I could, I'd interview suitable shrinks about same and/or get plenty of stuff off the web for the older brother.
Anyway--for whatever that's worth.
BLESSINGS,
He refuses to discuss being afraid of anything with his therapist, so behavior mod hasn't been an option.
I really appreciate your advice. Sounds like a good way to go. Thanks
HOW OLD IS HE?
You can do the behavior mod yourself. Some basic guidelines (by the way, I consider this an important option for elderly people, too--if there's any life or awareness at all, behavior mod can help people's lives to be more workable. It is NOT a cure all. But it can be very helpful, even essential in some situaitons--I always ask myself if I could train a dog who acted that way--probably I could. If I could train a dog, probably I could train a person with some awareness--no insult meant to people or dogs.):
1) More frequent behavior can be used to reinforce, strengthen less frequent behavior. Certainly one would prefer to use positive actions, events, rewards to strengthen less frequent behaviors that you want to occur more often. But in some situations, there aren't many positive anythings and one has to work with what one has.
2) Probably as his mother, you have some sense for what things he has an affinity for vs what things he doesn't. You might list those for yourself. If you are a Believer, pray over the list and try and choose a handful--as many viable ones as possible. Discard those which seem more trouble than they are worth.
3) You can certainly watch his body language; what he spends the most time with, near, doing. You can pay attention to his voice tones, the look in his eyes, etc.
4) You don't need to advertise the effort. You can begin low key and build slowly. . . especially if he's very sharp, wary, volitile etc.
5) If he confronts you about what are you up to, you can say something like you are experimenting with ways to help make his life more comfortable, happy, joyful and meaningful with less stress and heartache for both of you. Then I wouldn't elaborate much. I'd just say the same thing over and over in different ways. I wouldn't explain any particular detail. I'd be very dogged about that, unbudging.
6) In some situations, you can say something like: Well, son, I've learned that life is give and take. . . . and that we reap what we sow. I'm trying to spare you some of my learning the hard way by helping you learn from life experiences easier and quicker than I did. Again, I wouldn't elaborate. Just say the same thing over and over and over again in as many different ways as you can, if he requires you to say anything at all.
7) I might want to practice with a close friend or with a trustworthy close friend's son your son's age and ask the son to give you a tough time. . . practice my statements, actions, tones etc. Your goal for yourself would be to become as laissez faire, casual, low key, unanxious etc. as possible.
8) Along this line you could even experiment with some 2-3 areas of home life that you have been overly uptight about or overly fussed up about or overly anxious about. Maybe it's keeping the living room or family room picked up. Or being obsessive about having all the dishes cleaned or at least rinsed off immediately after every meal. Whatever like that. Then overtly but casually, matter of factly sometime do ABSOLUTELY THE OPPOSITE. "Accidentally spill some water or even low stain juice over the coffee table or some such when you are sitting hugging on your son. And just leave it there. Leave the mess there as though nothing had happened. Be very casual, maybe even joking about it.
9) Along these lines--MODELING BEING RELAXED WILL IMPACT HIM MUCH MORE THAN ALL YOUR WORDS, EVEN THAN ALL YOUR VERY SKILLFUL AND WISE BEHAVIOR MOD EFFORTS ETC.
10) You haven't said if his father is in the home or if any father figure is in the home. You can mention that privately to me if you prefer. The dad could play a great role in such matters if he was workable at all. If you are the only parent on the scene, you can do a lot on your own.
11) Back to the above sort of modeling. Perehaps you are obsessive about a clean bathroom. . . . or about having the house spotless when guests are coming . . . whatever--make a point sometime to do the opposite. . . and not just a one time thing--change your priorities about at least 1-3 such things that wouldn't risk health etc. Demonstrate a laid-back attitude and habit almost to the extreme. If he complains about mess or whatever, You can tell him he CAN, MAY clean it up for you AFTER HIS HOMEWORK AND AFTER reading some article on relaxation exercises or socialization tips or some such. Otherwise, insist it's no big deal. Comment that in a month or 5 months or a year you won't care at all for not having done whatever it is to clean, pickup or whatever.
12) PLEASE AVOID MINIMIZING THE IMPACT OF SUCH CASUAL OFF-HAND STATEMENTS--ESPECIALLY ADDED UP HERE AND THERE OVER A NUMBER OF MONTHS OR FEW YEARS.
13) Don't pay too much attention to how long the effort at retraining his reflexes is taking. It takes however long it takes. He's an individual. You have at least the summer to help prepare him for the fall. Just concentrate on what is workable for you and for him and on the key areas that cause him the most trouble. Anxiety sounds like a super key one. PERHAPS MORE KEY would be some of the roots of such anxieties.
14) Along with ACTING-IN--(OPPOSITE OF ACTING OUT) OR doing as you'd want him to do--throw out LOTS of off hand affirmations as though they were obvious as the nose on your face. Wait about 2-5 seconds of silence and then change the subject.
15) If you are fussy about the way you dress, on an afternoon or lunch date with an understanding friend, as you and son get up from the table, spill some ketchup on an expendable blouse. Brush the excess off and go on out the door to meet your friend as though it were no big deal. If you have to practice until it's an absolutely natural sort of "accident," you can do that. If you know your son will be home when you return from the lunch date, make a point of tracking him down and touching him, insuring he sees that you still have the stained blouse on and asking him how his time went over lunch or whatever.
16) In as many different sorts of social situations as you can with as many different ranks of people and ranks of priorities, show--SHOW YOUR SON that nothing is as important as one's own peace, centeredness, calmness, self-respect, positive attitude etc. SHOWING HIM WILL HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT THAN 10 YEARS OF SERMONS or 10 years of therapy. Kids do what they see, not what they are told, as you probably know.
17) I'd also flood him with as much unconditional love as possible--especially with healthy affection--asking as many healthy men in his life as might be available to do the same--even if it's "just" shop keepers putting a hand on his shoulder occasionally or slugging his arm warmly or whatever.
18) You may well have to list your priorities in his life--YOUR priorities in HIS life--and decide COMPARED TO HIS ANXIETY DISORDER--a LOT of OTHER THINGS are inconsequential--FOR NOW.
19) Other things that you may have had tension in your relationship about you can just consider what of them will matter in 1, 5, 10 or whatever number of years and just cross them off your list of big deals. At the time of my divorce; wife having an affair with my best friend etc. I had to learn that a LOT of things that I used to get REALLY wound up about were REALLY NOTHING. Useless chaff I was wasting emotion, time and energy on.
20) Even if he has to repeat a school year, if it means he'd be doing so more confidently, more on top of his anxieties etc. and from then on grow much more confidently in life--overcoming many obstacles much more easily--it would be a small price to pay.
21) It's much wiser to emphasize and demonstrate that eternal values, priorities are what's worth time, effort, energy, carefulness--than appearances, hollow arrogance, pride etc.
22) Regarding the pride, you can VERY OCCASIONALLY throw out creative (humorous when possible) quick quips something like: "You know, I once used a tone [/had a facial expression--whatever--]like you just used (had). I FELT LIKE I was queen of the hill/world, state and everybody better get out of my way. But maybe you never feelthat way. Wait 2-5 seconds and change the subject.
23) The business about waiting a few seconds in silence and then relatively quickly changing the subject is that you want him to chew on what you've just said. He is much more likely to chew on it if you will not do the chewing overtly for or even with him. Waiting a few seconds allows it to get into his short-term memory. Changing the subject prevents him from putting closure on it immediately and forces his subconscious to chew on it over and over again over the next hours, days. That will be much more fruitful for him than if you extracted from him a compliant agreement on whatever you said at the time.
24) I was speaking above of taking something he does more often and using it to reinforce something he does less often.
25) You could pair X minutes of TV, video games, whatever to X minutes of doing a relaxation exercise (you can check the web for such--breathing slowly--about 6 seconds in and about 6 seconds out for 30-90 seconds--it changes the brain chemistry from hightened arousal to a more relaxed state. Counting the seconds also gets the mind off the anxiety triggering worry object. You have to judge what would be a good economy in terms of exchange. 15 min of TV for 3 min of growthful whatever might be a good exchange to start with. But even if it's one or 2 minutes--that's OK TO START WITH. Anything to get an effort accepted and somewhat routine.
26) You will likely have to do many such things WITH him to get him to comply if he's realllllly resistent and closed off. That might mean playing the video game with him as well and then doing the relaxation exercise or reading the article on social skills or whatever with him.
27) I'd talk to some senior-to-him social star sorts of guys--really warm, friendly, outgoing but not gay--from your church or wherever you can find them--even clerks you meet etc. See if they would be willing to come to your house once a week and role play with you and/or with your son some alternative ways to handle different social situations. You could make a game of it--lots of hamming it up humor etc. Then you could treat the two of them to a pizza and movie by themselves. . . or with another prospective buddy for your son.
28) I might even be willing for SOME gays to role play EXCEPT THAT it may be likely that your son already has a predisposition to vulnerability in that department and I sure wouldn't want to push him over the edge. I'd rather inoculate him against such a tortured life. To innoculate him against, he would do well to have lots of healthy affectionate contact with father figures and/or REALLY SOLIDLY HETEROSEXUAL SIGNIFICANTLY OLDER OLDER BROTHER TYPES.
29) Also, it would be great to have some roughhousing between him and peers and/or the older brother or father figure types. He may be averse to roughhousing because of always failing at sports or some such. No problem. Just find guys who can ease into it--beginning maybe with a playful slug on the upper arm, grabbing him playfully around the shoulders and rubbing his hair play-like aggressively etc.
30) His age could influence HOW some of these things were implemented. But mostly, they would work for mostly all ages of a son's at-home life.
31) You could occasionally--AFTER SUCH EFFORTS WITH LOTS OF AFFIRMATION WERE WELL UNDERWAY--toss out quick isolated coments about what you felt were some of the underlying roots of his anxieties.
31) Let's pretend that a dad has left the home and sort of ripped a lot of son's heart out in the process and then has been pretty scarce ever since. If you catch your son looking depressed, wistful, etc. and your best bet is he's thinking about something in that ballpark, you might toss out something like: "It sure hurts outrageously when someone you love and need deserts you." 2-5 seconds. change the subject. IN THOSE CASES, IF he earnestly and vulnerably seems ready to discuss the topic--go ahead. At other times, there's more gain to be made from frustrating any effort to satisfy his curiosity and need to close the circle at the time--to insure that he chews on it more often over a longer period of time.
32) I wouldn't frustrate him more than 3-5 times when he shows a desire to talk about something he really needs to talk about. Frustrating the attempts on his part to talk 1-3 times CAN MEAN that when you finally allow him to talk about it--THAT IT WILL BE LIKE A DAM BURSTING--and MUCH MORE FRUITFUL.
33) Incidentally, Stop trying to pry things out of him, if you do. Pretend that yet again, you have become SUPER-LAID-BACK-MOM. Even pretend a bit to be almost not interested. BUT BE SURE TO SHOW INTEREST IN HIM AND GREAT CARING AT EVERY OTHER OPPORTUNITY.
I'm sure I'm leaving books worth of stuff out but this is a good beginning to ponder prayerfully.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK FOR CLARIFICATION OR WHATEVER HEREON (WORTH MORE TO MORE PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING ON) OR PRIVATELY.
BLESSINGS,
HERE'S SOME BOOKS I BELIEVE MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO YOU. Given my library staff experience and my shrink experience, I've annotated some of the titles. I'm looking for a particular one I can't remember the exact title of so I'll comment on good looking ones along the way to finding that one.
RAISING RESILIENT CHILDREN by Robert Brooks PhD; Sam Goldstein PhD RESILIENCE turns out to be one of the more key factors of success and of surviving super traumas. . . and it can be taught.
YEA--JUST FOUND THE BEST ONE. . . . THE ONE I WAS LOOKING FOR:
YOU CAN FIND IT AT [A SPECIAL COMBINED OFFER WITH THE RESILIENCE BOOK ON THAT PAGE, TOO--IF YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT FAVORITE SOURCE, BY ALL MEANS USE IT!]:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671534637/ref=pd_sxp_elt_l1/104-2684883-1500709
by Myrna B. Shure
ALSO AVAILABLE BY SAME AUTHOR:
Raising a Thinking Preteen : The 'I Can Problem Solve' Program for 8- To 12- Year-Olds by Myrna B. Shure, Roberta Israeloff
THESE PROGRAMS have been used successfully with 3-4 year olds. They teach personal problem solving in a very systematic and easy to learn way--in a fun way if done right. In the process, they teach and help implant a much stronger self-confidence/self-esteem. The kids end up much better at socialization skills; homework skills etc. . . . including handling bullies. In all my 55 years, this is the best program, strategy, etc. I've ever seen. It's principle is very simple but very powerful.
With at least extremely young kids, you start teaching a very basic vocabulary and illustrating it repeatedly in a diversity of ways. For example--Is this [apple in hand] the SAME or DIFFERENT from [orange in other hand] this? The tone, drama etc. with the words SAME and DIFFERENT is dramatically emphasized. Then driving around on errands, the kid is encouraged to find 5 things that are the same or some such.
Then at some point, for example, if the kid comes running crying--"Johnny stole my truck!" The parent can ask, How did you respond? Can you think of a DIFFERENT way to respond? What was happening just before Johnny stole your truck? How could you act in a DIFFERENT way that might prevent Johnny from stealing your truck? What have you done to get your truck back? What are 3 DIFFERENT ways you could act to get your truck back? If you did (A) way, what would Johnny's probably actions be? If you did (B) way, what would Johnny's actions probably be? If you did (C) way, what would Johnny's probable actions be? Which result would you MOST LIKE? Which result would leave you feeling MOST COMFORTABLE? etc. etc.
I think you'd really enjoy Myrna Shure's books and tapes. VERY HEALTHY, PRACTICAL, EFFECTIVE, EASILY APPLIED STUFF.
BLESSINGS,
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