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A Funny But Highly Accurate Take on the Middle East
The Weekly Standard ^ | 4-22-02 | Larry Miller

Posted on 05/08/2002 2:29:57 PM PDT by liberalism=failure

A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:

The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."

So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs From The Same General Area Who Are In Deep Denial About Never Being Able To Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."

Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course--that's where the real fun is--but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel--or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it--for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something.

It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one. Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news.

Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding. My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshalling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.

Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away. However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.

If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id . . . uh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)


TOPICS: Editorial; Israel; News/Current Events; Philosophy; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: israel; palestinians
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To: Snake65;RJayneJ
"Because if we're only willing to absorb their own words--nevermind their demonic deeds--he and his brethren have a perfectly uncomplicated point of view and agenda, and their clarity should give us our own clarity, and wouldn't that be refreshing? You want us dead? Well, now, isn't that a funny coincidence. Guess what we want? "

By the way, I nominate your reply for Post Of The Day.

From your keyboard to Gods ear my friend.

L

21 posted on 05/08/2002 3:26:08 PM PDT by Lurker
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To: liberalism=failure
Originally posted here:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/670374/posts

But worth a repost.

22 posted on 05/08/2002 3:38:32 PM PDT by TheLurkerX
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To: liberalism=failure
*~BUMP~*
23 posted on 05/08/2002 3:38:48 PM PDT by KineticKitty
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To: liberalism=failure
I'm a Canaanite and wish you'd all leave. I think my family owned 10 miles of beachfront.
24 posted on 05/08/2002 3:43:01 PM PDT by breakem
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To: Snake65
I always enjoyed his "Five Stages Of Drinking (six if you live in a trailer park)" routine.
25 posted on 05/08/2002 3:49:00 PM PDT by SoDak
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To: liberalism=failure
An interesting article.

But check out this bit:

[The Arabs]spread and believed horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.

How much less disgusting is it to allege that it was widespread practice for ordinary Germans to turn Jews into lampshades?

The claim is completely over the top. It, too, is disgusting.

26 posted on 05/08/2002 3:50:11 PM PDT by gaijin
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To: liberalism=failure
Good one!
27 posted on 05/08/2002 3:50:34 PM PDT by Ditter
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To: liberalism=failure
ROTFLMAO!!! TOO funny!

Alas, living in Mass, the people seem brainwashed but I know that my viewpoint is colored through "Liberal-colored," glasses so I relax a little.

There are many great Freepers who live in Mass. YOu all might laugh but imagine having to live behind enemy lines like this! :D

28 posted on 05/08/2002 3:52:10 PM PDT by Arioch7
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To: liberalism=failure
Thanks for the great post!! (I needed that) BUMP!!
29 posted on 05/08/2002 3:52:50 PM PDT by cake_crumb
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To: JDGreen123; Amelia
FYI.
30 posted on 05/08/2002 3:57:24 PM PDT by Howlin
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To: liberalism=failure
Can you say : SYLLOGISMS ?? ( Can I spell it ?)
31 posted on 05/08/2002 3:58:12 PM PDT by genefromjersey
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To: MissAmericanPie
then a bunch of blacks from all over Africa show up to do the menial labor, then want to take over

..."call the white people racist who are denying them their rights..." <----------------------------you left out that part, didn't you?

32 posted on 05/08/2002 3:59:15 PM PDT by Howlin
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To: gaijin
"[The Arabs]spread and believed horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting"

Perhaps I misunderstood your reaction, but the Arabs have exhumed the old favorite of the ignorant peasants, about Jews baking their bread with the blood of children, dusted it off and then recycled it back to the ignorant peasants.

The lampshade rumor wasn't about ordinary Germans. It was about the ghouls running the concentration camps. At least there was a grain of truth to that, given the atrocities that really DID occur. There is NO grain of truth to the Arab propganda of Jews baking bread with the blood of children. Or giving poisoned candy to Palestinian kids. Or selling poisoned leather belts at discount prices to innocent, unsuspecting Palestinian men, thus making them sick. Or giving candy with razor blades. Or massacring 500 innocent Palestinians in Jenin. Or a hundred other Arab propaganda stories.

33 posted on 05/08/2002 4:09:51 PM PDT by cake_crumb
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To: Snake65
You're really good, Snake. That was very fine indeed.
34 posted on 05/08/2002 4:10:06 PM PDT by Twodees
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To: Agamemnon
I see your point of view. For an informative article, check the following web site - http://www.levitt.com/

In the left column, click on "Levitt Letter", scroll down to " April 2002 Newsletter", then click on the newsletter and read the article, "We have all been had!," By Sharon Nader Sloan, WorldNetDaily.

35 posted on 05/08/2002 4:20:12 PM PDT by Retiredforever
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To: Thane_Banquo
Palestinians are really Jordanians, for the most part, and Jordan was the original Palestinian state.

True, but not relevant.

Hussein, the previous of Jordan, massacred the Palestinians on "black September". Furthermore, Hussein also repudiated sovereignty over the West Bank in order not to have to deal with the population there, who became stateless. This touched off the first "intifada".

There is no place for these folks in Jordan, unless the monarchy is replaced by Hamas. I don't want that, how about you?

36 posted on 05/08/2002 4:31:08 PM PDT by Salman
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To: Twodees
I wish I could take credit for it, but it is just more Larry Miller...the opening was left out of the posting so I cut n' pasted it in. I'm sorry I wasn't clearer that it wasn't me.

My poor scribblings confine themselves to sci/fi fantasy with apocalyptic overtones. Sort of Joe Johnstone meets "Vampire$" ala Richard Matheson. If I could write humor that well, believe me, I would. :)

37 posted on 05/08/2002 4:42:54 PM PDT by Snake65
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To: liberalism=failure
This article points up just how crazed the whole arab world is to be obsessed with tiny Israel, and pinpoints the real cause: the hatred and envy of the inferior toward their betters. This is why no negotiation or concession will ever make any difference. It is not about land, it is not about statehood, it is not about Israeli operations in the West Bank, it is about a deep sense of arab failure and impotence. This gives rise to envy, the most discreditable of human emotions, which seeks to relieve psychological anguish by destroying the good object that is provoking it.

The other factor in the dynamic is the equally bizarre focus of Western elites on negotiations, discussions, and attempts to impose a rationally articulated solution. This is obviously crazy in such circumstances, and reflects the liberals' erroneous assumptions about human nature and man's relation to society. These assumptions are so central to the liberals sense of self identity that they will never give them up, regardless of how disastrous the results.

The solution, of course, is war that eliminates the forces that are causing the problem.

38 posted on 05/08/2002 4:44:51 PM PDT by thucydides
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To: Salman
Yep. As Boortz always says, if it wasn't for Israel, the Palestinians would be the most hated people in the Middle East
39 posted on 05/08/2002 5:03:49 PM PDT by Thane_Banquo
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To: Howlin
I believe this guy could give Mark Steyn a run for the money.
40 posted on 05/08/2002 5:06:54 PM PDT by Amelia
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