Posted on 06/24/2002 7:24:13 AM PDT by Artist
An ultrasound picture sits next to a constantly ringing phone on the reception desk of the Planet Salon that just opened in Beaumont Centre.
The photo is a clue that something possibly unique is about to happen to the men who own the salon, domestic partners Thomas Dysarz and Michael Meehan.
The men expect to become parents in late August, when a Caesarean section is scheduled. Meehan, 36, is the biological father.
The mother is a 23-year-old surrogate who agreed to help Meehan and Dysarz have a baby through in-vitro fertilization.
But then something happened that nobody expected -- and that is what's revealed in the ultrasound image:
It shows quadruplets -- three boys and one girl.
That's a rare situation under any circumstances. It's even rarer in the case of a surrogate mother, and rarer still when the babies will come home to two fathers.
Meehan and Dysarz said they're ready.
"Raising children is the most important thing you can do," Meehan said. "The goal is to raise our children so that they would be good people. That's all anybody can do."
But like a lot of expectant fathers, they're apprehensive, too. It's an exhilarating, nerve-wracking time: the beginning of a lifelong journey that might test some people's more traditional notions of how families come to be.
Nobody's keeping track of actual numbers, but some observers say increasing numbers of gay male couples are seeking surrogate mothers to help them have children through in-vitro fertilization.
Some books for gay parents are calling it a gay baby boom.
Officials from several groups interested in surrogacy or gay parenting say they know of no other cases that have resulted in quadruplets.
Growing Generations, a California company that works with gays and surrogate mothers, says there have been triplet births among the company's 200 clients, but no quadruplets.
It's rare for quads to be born to surrogates, said Shirley Zager, director of the Illinois-based Organization of Parents through Surrogacy.
To her knowledge, Zager said, no other quadruplets have been born to a surrogate and a gay male through in-vitro.
Quadruplets are uncommon under any circumstances. In Kentucky, only 18 sets have been born since 1975, state records show.
Protecting identity
The surrogate mother who is carrying the quads for Meehan and Dysarz declined to comment for this story.
The men said they want to keep her identity secret for now; they fear that stress from publicity might hurt her, the quadruplets, or her own three children, who include twin toddlers.
However, the mother authorized Ruth Ann Childers, a spokeswoman for Central Baptist Hospital, to publicly confirm that she was pregnant with quadruplets conceived through in-vitro fertilization.
"She does intend to have the babies at Central Baptist Hospital," Childers said.
The secrecy reflects the concern that Dysarz and Meehan share about discussing their situation publicly.
They said they're concerned that publicity will somehow interfere with their plans to become the best possible parents.
They said they know many people don't think gay men and women should raise children. Many frown on surrogate mothers. And some think it's wrong to risk multiple births through in-vitro fertilization.
On top of that, the men said they don't want their children to become news media stars for what they consider inappropriate reasons.
"We don't want them to be perceived as the 'kids with the gay fathers,'" Dysarz said.
But they're pressing on. Last year, before the pregnancy, Dysarz said he looked to God for guidance and asked, "Why can't people like us have children?"
This year, he is asking another question: "God, why did you pick us for these babies? You must have a special reason."
California transplants
Meehan and Dysarz met on the beach in Santa Monica, Calif., in 1998.
Meehan, who grew up in the San Fernando Valley, had been the undergraduate student-body president at UCLA in 1989.
He later became a deputy district attorney for Los Angeles County. As a law student at Loyola University, he worked as a part-time deputy sheriff.
In 1994, while still in law school, he ran for the California state legislature on the Republican ticket.
Meehan's opponent in that race was former actress Sheila Kuehl, who played Zelda on the old Dobie Gillis television series.
Kuehl ran as an openly gay candidate, beat Meehan by 14 percentage points and became the state's first openly gay legislator.
Meehan did not make an issue of Kuehl's sexual orientation; his own sexual orientation never came up.
"I think people thought I was heterosexual," he said.
Dysarz, a Texas native from a family of seven children, was working as a Beverly Hills hairdresser.
After the two met, they decided to move to Lexington -- although they knew little about it. They chose it basically because they were looking for an escape from the big city.
About the same time, the men took in both of Dysarz's grandmothers, who had grown frail and were living at opposite ends of the country.
Day and night, the men tended to the women. Often, Dysarz said, the grandmothers required as much care as infants.
"That meant we fed them, carried them ... and hired someone to help us when we worked," he said.
"It's what families do."
By 2000, both women had died. Meehan and Dysarz were busy building the first Planet Salon on Richmond Road, but their home seemed empty.
And that's when they decided to pursue fatherhood, something both men say they had always longed for.
"It's just something inside me," Meehan said. "It's just so important to be able to love children and give them a proper upbringing."
They began to research how other childless couples were having families.
Surrogate felt a calling
Some hair salons in Lexington post warnings asking people not to bring children. Dysarz and Meehan encourage their customers to bring even the youngest.
Last fall, a 23-year-old woman came into the salon with three of them.
Dysarz thought the children were adorable. He kidded the woman about taking them home and keeping them. Then he heard her say that she felt like she had been given a calling: to become a surrogate mother.
She agreed to help Meehan and Dysarz. Working through a Lexington fertility clinic, she became pregnant in January.
The men said they are following Kentucky law in paying her only for medical and living expenses. Those costs run $1,000 each month.
A test of faith
Multiple pregnancies are risky. This case is no different.
For example, the surrogate mother was initially pregnant with quintuplets. But a few weeks into her pregnancy, the men said, doctors advised the mother that carrying quintuplets would lessen the chances of survival and good health for the fetuses and for her. Aborting one of the fetuses would help those chances.
The news caused a crisis.
Meehan and Dysarz are Roman Catholic. Although they describe their attendance at the Cathedral of Christ the King as sporadic, they consider themselves devout. They're opposed to abortion.
They wrestled with the issue: How could they endanger the woman who had agreed to have their children? Ultimately, Meehan and the surrogate mother made the decision to abort one of the fetuses.
"It was the best thing medically, but the hardest thing I ever did," he said.
It nearly split the couple up, said Dysarz, who left home for 24 hours to think.
"At first, all I could think about was that it was murder, but then I realized that all the babies might die if we didn't go ahead with the reduction," he said.
Traditional, Christian upbringing
There won't be a designated mom in this family.
"Michael will be Dad, because he's the biological father," said Dysarz. "I'll be Thomas."
Meehan and Dysarz said the surrogate mother has told them she doesn't want to be involved in raising the children on a regular basis. But the men said they will always let her know how the babies are doing.
The men said they are certain they can provide the babies with a loving home and with values they describe as traditional and Christian.
For example, they look forward to raising their children in the Catholic faith, though neither has sought the opinion of their priest on the situation.
The Catholic church holds that being a homosexual is not a sin, but homosexual acts are sinful.
That leaves Dysarz and Meehan a little unsure of how to deal with the church. But both said they will not leave the religion of their youth, especially as they embark on what they consider the most important journey a person can take.
"You can have a good family, regardless of what that family looks like, as long as you are good people," Dysarz said.
At home, they plan to enlist the help of Meehan's mother, Dysarz's sister, a trusted housekeeper, and dozens of female friends.
The men said they intend to stay together for the rest of their lives. But they have discussed what might happen if their relationship were to fail: Meehan, the biological father, said he would allow Dysarz to see the children.
Natalie Wilson, a Lexington attorney who specializes in family law, says Kentucky does not have a statute or case law addressing custody issues in this type of situation.
"They need a contract between themselves," she said.
For their part, the men are already thinking about at least one more child.
They said they hope to have another child with the same surrogate mother -- the next time with Dysarz as the biological father.
High chairs and bouncy seats
Meanwhile, they have bought baby clothes and diaper pails.
They've registered for shower gifts at Babies R Us. Meehan is reading a special multiple-birth edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting.
The men said they are already planning financially for private Catholic schools, college, even graduate school. Meehan, who handles most of the business for the two Planet Salon locations at Beaumont Centre and Richmond Road, has decided to stay home to care for the babies.
Meanwhile, Dysarz has started gauging public reaction. During a cut or color in the new Planet Salon and Rain Spa, he will casually mention that he and Meehan are about to become parents to quadruplets. He explains how the babies were conceived. Then he waits for a reaction.
Customer after customer responds matter-of-factly, offering congratulations or child-rearing advice.
Mothers of twins and triplets give advice: Don't buy four separate high chairs or bouncy seats; just buy two and use them two at a time.
So far, Dysarz said he hasn't detected even one negative reaction. At least 100 clients so far have offered to help at the couple's home once the quadruplets arrive -- to lend a hand with changing diapers and giving bottles.
Apparently.
That figure sounds really, really low.
Sounds to me that you are strongly opposed to adoption.
Needless to say, he did not bother to wait around for God to answer that question.
This is beyond disgusting. Way beyond it. It's just plain evil.
The news caused a crisis.
Meehan and Dysarz are Roman Catholic. Although they describe their attendance at the Cathedral of Christ the King as sporadic, they consider themselves devout. They're opposed to abortion.
They wrestled with the issue: How could they endanger the woman who had agreed to have their children? Ultimately, Meehan and the surrogate mother made the decision to abort one of the fetuses.
"It was the best thing medically, but the hardest thing I ever did," he said.
It nearly split the couple up, said Dysarz, who left home for 24 hours to think.
"At first, all I could think about was that it was murder, but then I realized that all the babies might die if we didn't go ahead with the reduction," he said. If it was murder in his mind, then it was a baby being killed, not a 'fetus-it'. The move to kill at least one out of five about fits the 20% / 80% of Americans who believe abortion is wrong ... what's one baby slaughtered out of five? The whole process of in-vitro fert is flawed with the disposal of 'unwanted' or extra new life. Any bets on how long this 'couple' will remain together to raise these children? If it is for life, I applaud them, but I still don't think it is right to bring children into such a 'home'. ... Then again, there are tens-of-thousands of 'homes' headed by heterosexual folks who abuse and neglect their children. [Interesting times in which we live, don'tcha think?]
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