For sale: a town called Bruce (MONTY PYTHON ALERT)

The Sunday Telegraph ^ | September 1, 2002 | Mark Chipperfield

[MadIvan]

For those who need reminding what all this is about - "The Bruces Sketch" from Monty Python's Flying Circus:

Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. 'It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty,' he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

(Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

Everybruce: G'day!

Michael: Hello.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you 'Bruce' to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

Everybruce: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack the tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep dip.

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Bernaud.

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

Fourth Bruce: Another tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofta?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofta?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Pooftas!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching...... Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Pooftas!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking..... Rule Five,

Everybruce: No Pooftas!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six!... Rule Seven,

Everybruce: No Pooftas!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Everybruce: Amen!

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

Regards, Ivan

[MadIvan]

Bump!

[dighton]

Rule Six bump.

[MadIvan]

Rule Six bump.

But there is NO Rule Six. ;)

Regards, Ivan

[Libloather]

Even if I did have that kinda money, I wouldn't buy Bruce...

[shaggy eel]

,,, I like traffic lights. I like traffic lights. I like traffic lights, especially when they're red.

Do ya get wafers with it?

[MadIvan]

Even if I did have that kinda money, I wouldn't buy Bruce...

Don't blame you. It probably is hot enough to boil a monkey's bum there. ;)

Regards, Ivan

[MadIvan]

Do ya get wafers with it?

It's a bloody seabird, of course you don't get bloody wafers with it.

Albatross!

Regards, Ivan

[Snake65]

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed

[Snake65]

Full words and music at Full Songs Sounds

[Cachelot]

Four people??

Oh well.. if I buy the place, do I get to tax them?

[tet68]

To get to Bruce, you go to the first traffic light and turn green.

[spokeshave]

Hot..Humid..dust storms and lots of flies....as one who knows

[shaggy eel]

,,, ha! Clever.

[shaggy eel]

Hot..Humid..dust storms and lots of flies....as one who knows

,,, summer's worse though.

[spokeshave]

And no guns....

Long gone are the days of roo shooting with EXWD .303 Lee Enfields....

[Illbay]

I'd buy it, and change the name to "Sheila".

[livius]

Thanks for posting that, MadIvan. It was beyond LOL and actually ROFL.

Just an aside, however, I've never quite understood why the name "Bruce" in the US is a sort of code-word for gay (while the Australian Bruces are worrying about "pooftas"). In fact, I lived in San Francisco for a number of years and I must say I met a rather disproportionate number of gay men actually named Bruce.

Okay, Bruces out there, let's hear it! BTW, Bruces, no offense meant - it's just odd how a name gets one connotation in one culture, and a completely different one in another.

[Jonah Hex]

[Vast Buffalo Wing Conspiracy]

But there is NO Rule Six.

Exactly.