Skip to comments.'This Just In' Writhes Again
Posted on 10/04/2002 8:19:57 PM PDT by dts32041
'This Just In' Writhes Again © Norman Liebmann Friday, Oct. 4, 2002 THIS JUST IN: After Teddy Kennedy's last speech reinforcing the Iraqi position on their buildup of Weapons of Mass Destruction, Arabs no longer pray facing Mecca. Now they pray facing Hyannisport. THIS JUST IN: Angelo Buono, Los Angeles' infamous Hillside Strangler who killed nine women, has died in prison. A liberal judge has issued a writ ordering his body be exhumed and put on parole.
THIS JUST IN: Farmers keep promoting vegetables as a source of non-polluting energy and the solution to America's energy dependence. Oil interests are trying to discourage it by warning of the possibility of ethanol tankers colliding at sea and causing a corn spill. [Note: If ethanol becomes a widely-accepted fuel, you'll soon drive into a service station, pull up to a pump and fill your tank with Jolly Green Giant Supreme.] Ho-ho-ho.
THIS JUST IN: The Dracula Society of Transylvania wishes henceforth not to be called vampires, but by the more politically correct designation - "blood persons."
THIS JUST IN: The church is getting tough on sexual deviants in its clergy. A priest convicted of pederasty has been removed from his parish and transferred to Boys Town. Since then, fellow pederast priests have started calling him Father Jackpot.
THIS JUST IN: Madeleine Albright denies she has put on weight, although it is reported she now has to wear corsets that are equipped with curb feelers.
THIS JUST IN: Nelson Mandela, Chief Rattle Shaker of The Dark Continent, has rebuked America for its present position vis à vis Iraq. Mandela has become the unofficial point man in the burgeoning hostility toward Caucasians. The only difference between Mandela and Idi Amin is Amin did not spend twenty seven years in the slammer.
THIS JUST IN: Network executives abandoned the idea of a Bill Clinton television show when they found out Tokyo Rose's family wanted too much money for the rights to the title "The Voice of Treason."
THIS JUST IN: Representative Diane E. Watson, a California Democrat, proclaimed "President Bush has an IQ of 88." If you took the IQs of everyone in Ms. Watson's district who voted for her, they wouldn't add up to 88.
THIS JUST IN: It's been disclosed that Bill Clinton tried to get Senator Robert Byrd to agree to vote against his impeachment by promising to show Byrd how to use his automobile's battery cables to jump-start his prostate.
THIS JUST IN: Yasser Arafat will lodge a new protest at the United Nations against the Israelis for planning a soap drop over the West Bank in hope of starting an epidemic of clean among Palestinians.
THIS JUST IN: The statistics on sexually transmitted diseases in Africa are soaring. Apparently, people there haven't figured out that you don't get rid of HIV by giving it to somebody else.
THIS JUST IN: New England schoolbooks have deleted the story of George Washington never telling a lie because the cherry tree he admitted chopping down was not available to undergo a polygraph examination.
THIS JUST IN: The Black Caucus will order a medal struck honoring Jesse Jackson. It will be called The Congressional Medal of Gimme. Inspired by Jackson's achievements, they have decided to make a life of dependency more available to minorities by funding an educational program called Affirmative Gimme.
THIS JUST IN: The U.S. Navy will allow women to serve on submarines, but only on the ones that do not submerge below (are you ready for this?) manicure depth.
THIS JUST IN: An aide to Hillary Clinton wants constituents to know her office will be closed on Thursdays, as that is the day her herpetologist drops by to collect her venom. (Hillary is doing less traveling these days since she has so much trouble getting her heart through the airport metal detectors.)
THIS JUST IN: Masturbation advocate M. Joycelyn Elders [the M stands for Minnie, not masturbation. We are not making this up] is working on the theory that safe sex is abusing yourself locked in the back of a Brinks truck.
THIS JUST IN: Plans have been abandoned to give Bill Clinton the keys to the city. His Harlem neighbors say, just because he's an ex-President is no reason why he shouldn't have to break into the shops at night like everyone else.
THIS JUST IN: R.J. Reynolds, parent company of Nabisco, planned to use some of their cigarette vending machines to dispense Nabisco cookies. The plan was abandoned when confused customers complained that their Fig Newtons are too tough to keep lit.
THIS JUST IN: There is a new TV game show in preparation called "Democrat Jeopardy." Alex Trebec reads a Clinton phony denial and the panel has to match it with the truthful accusation. [Note: Bill and Hillary Clinton are writing the stories of their lives as told to each other. It will establish a new literary genre call ultra-fiction.]
THIS JUST IN: In the part of Tennessee where Al Gore comes from most folks think corn flakes is a skin condition.
THIS JUST IN: Automation comes to mainstream journalism. The New York Times is getting rid of all their politically left-leaning editors and replacing each of them with a liberally biased editing device called a Slant-Master.
THIS JUST IN: The Supreme Court has ruled retarded criminals should not be executed - which is preferable to seeing them get re-elected.
THIS JUST IN: Despite Toni Morrison, it's been revealed Bill Clinton is not the first white world leader who turned out to be black. It is suspected the founder of communism was black when a careful re-examination of his birth certificate revealed his actual name was not Karl Marx, but Cool Marx.
THIS JUST IN: Vermont is building an airport where no planes will take off or land. They just need these surroundings to make it appear strictly business when men start caressing each other with wands.
THIS JUST IN: Paleontologists have re-catalogued United States Senators as a species of invertebrates called Trentus Lotticus. Currently, Senate Republicans are celebrating National Triple Cross Week. They rubber stamped campaign finance reform, supported amnesty for illegal aliens, and are selling out Israel - a trifecta of duplicity that would be the envy of Bill Clinton himself.
THIS JUST IN: Democrat Governor Gray Davis has ordered energy companies to rotate their power outages so that everyone in California can have a fair share of shivering in the dark. Davis made this decision while experiencing one of his own periodic cerebral blackouts.
THIS JUST IN: An Ivy League University boasts it has graduated the first Affirmative Action student to receive a Ph.D in Mau Mau. However, the University made it a condition that its name not appear on his diploma. THIS JUST IN: Tony Soprano has ordered his personalized greeting cards early for the holiday season. They are inscribed, "Season's Greetings - or Else."
OUCH! Norm hits a home run again.