Campaign Odyssey in Baghdad
"Whew! We dodged a bullet," a senior aid to president Saddam Hussein confided to me last night, relieved as election returns, which began pouring in at sundown, showed the Iraqi leader had handily won another 7-year mandate.
He meant 'bullet' literally.
"Not that we expected a cliff-hanger," he quickly added. "Iraq is no Florida", he said, smiling ear-to-ear. "We knew he'd trounce that old tired goat." The aid was referring to Boublous al-Dole, nominee of the hapless opposition party. (A plane carrying all 10 members mysteriously disappeared tonight. No foul play is suspected, despite a hundred witnesses who swear seeing heat-seeking missiles flying towards the plane as it cruised over downtown Baghdad. Iraq Aviation Administrator, Fakih Frank Hull Hussein, dismisses the witnesses as Great Satan Conspirators.)
And what a campaign season it's been. "This one's for the history books," crowed a jubilant staffer, firing several shots in the air in celebration. He recounted the story of how, back in February, president Hussein ordered mortar fire and tank attacks on some fledgling all-news TV station in Basra. "I guess you can say it was the opening salvo of Campaign 2002," the aid fondly recalled.
But the assault wasn't just for fun, either. Hussein strongly suspected the outlet, founded by some right-winger named Abdul-Roger al-Ailes, was working for the opposition.
"Our President hated that station with a passion," one senior aid recalled. "He called it Faux News, mockingly. There was this host who would come on weeknights at 8, griping about all the charity money being siphoned off for nukes and presidential palaces. He really hated that guy." That's Bill al-Din O'Reilly, erstwhile host of what was the highest rated show on prime-time. As punishment for spreading infidel propaganda, he got 30 years in a re-education camp. As part of his sentence, al-Din O'Reilly was ordered to read First Lady Sajida!'s, 'It Takes an A-Bomb To Raze a Village', a runaway best-seller. Her book, in fact, has straddled atop the Anthrax Times best-seller list since its publication 15 years ago, easily outselling No. 2, "Between Smoking Dope And History," by Bill Clinton.
"To President Hussein, all cowards and traitors are beneath contempt," intoned a senior aid. "He has zero-tolerance for 'em. Except for Bill Clinton. Now that's a coward and a traitor our president can live with. Our dear leader has nothing but admiration for Clinton."
No qualms that Monica was Jewish?
Shrugging his shoulders, he sighed, "well, nobody's perfect."
As for the campaign, "there were bumps along the road," said one aid, "don't get me wrong. It wasn't all smooth sailing."
For campaign staffers, the biggest scare came on the closing night of the Baath Party National Convention in Baghdad. A major sex scandal had broke, involving Saddam's senior political strategist, Duqaq Dick Musa Morris. Hussein, forced to par his acceptance speech down to 12 hours, saw his approval ratings take a tumble, plunging down to 99.9%.
"Thanks to that moron, I never got my convention 'bounce!!'," yelled an angry Hussein that night.
"But we didn't flinch," said a staffer, "no-one hit the panic button, despite those tense days."
"Our dear leader, scrappy survivor that he is, stayed focused -- like a laser beam. As punishment, Saddam ordered a sex change for Duqaq Morris, his wayward advisor."
I asked him what Morris was doing for a living now.
"Well, after his sex change, he looked so much like Helen Thomas, he now subs for her in the White House press room."
So, where's Helen, then?
"I was told she went to Pakistan, to enroll in the Madrassas. She mumbled something about wanting to understand 'why they hate us so much', 'to feel the hate', or something like that," he said.
"After graduation, then come the big plans."
Big plans?
"Yeah, she plans to marry Yasser Arafat. Rumor has it his marriage is on the rocks."
Scarey.
Oh, speaking of which, there were two other scarey moments.
Tonight, as official election returns rolled him, some exit polls in the south were showing lower-than-expected returns, some a disappointingly low 99.6%. Oh no, not another Florida. cliff-hanger.
Then, magically, the big board numbers roar back up to 100%.
"You'd be amazed at what a few bullets, parked in the right places, can do," remarked a senior official in the Republican Guard.
I poked my head out the window of my Baghdad hotel, and lo and behold, you could feel the jubilation, the festivity. The victory rallies were huge, the air filled with chants of, 'We love Saddam -- and Hitler, too! Down with the Jews! Up with the Waffen-SS!'
Close your eyes, and you swear you're in Berkley.
The difference here, of course, are all the Soviet tanks lovingly aimed at the "festive" crowd. The place was ringed with military -- everywhere.
"No big deal, just crowd control, that's all that is" one senior Iraqi official insisted. "Everyone here is free to speak his or her mind -- so long as Saddam approves."
Curious, I decided to work my way into the crowd, mixing things up a bit.
One reveler caught my attention. "I love Saddam! I love Saddam! Down with Bush! Up with Daschle and the Democrats!', she screamed.
hmmm...a typical Boston voter, I thought.
I asked her why she loves Saddam so much.
"I'm here because Bush is threatening my job, my livelihood!"
I asked what she did for a living.
"I do nuclear weapons research at a Baby Milk Factory," she told me proudly. "I used to do Anthrax, but Saddam promoted me to nukes. That's why I hate Bush -- he's threatening to diss our doomsday weapons! That means I'll be out of a job!"
Oh, I see.
The other scarey moment, you ask?
Earlier, as we were watching election returns at the presidential palace, suddenly vice president Ramadan bursts into the room, "I have a cheerful announcement: Saddam had just received a call from the U.S. president!", he shouted.
Huh?
"Yes! President Jimmy Carter called to congratulate Saddam for his victory!"
Figures.
Anyway, that's...
My two cents...
"JohnHuang2"
