"Go pound sand."
"Go pi$$ up a rope."
--Boris
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon
1000 pains
1 kiloahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line
454 graham crackers:
1 pound cake
1 million microphones:
1 megaphone
1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds
10 cards:
1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks:
1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche
1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin
10 rations:
1 decoration
100 rations:
1 C-ration
2 monograms:
1 diagram
8 nickels:
2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League
100 Senators:
Not 1 decision
The following list of definitions, often used in dissertations, academic papers, and medical research papers, has been amassed to assist in translating "research-ese" into plain English.
"High purity...", "Very high purity...", "Extremely high purity...", "Super-purity...", "Spectroscopically pure..."
Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier.
"...handled with extreme care during the experiments."
...not dropped on the floor.
"The Sc+ system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior..."
The fellow in the next lab had some already made up.
"It has long been known"
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident"
These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"
The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"
This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"
Once!
"In case after case"
Twice!
"In a series of cases"
Thrice!
"It is believed that"
I think
"It is generally believed that"
A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"
Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"
Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings"
A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data"
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomena occurs"
I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"
They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"
Mr. Blotz did the work, and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"
I quit.
Pessismist: that glass is half empty.
Engineer: that glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Big Improvements For Free (Pat Betick, if you're out there reading this, this one's for you!)
DWEEB
manager, stuffed shirt, marketing type, anyone in a suit ...