AL GORE: A WILLIAM JEFFERSON "CLONE"TON ©

by Norman Liebmann

Al Gore is back and rattling the bars of his cage once again. He recently emerged in Florida to address his elderly constituency, and re-heat the vapid question, "Are there Dimpled Chads After Death?" He is, of course, and will always remain, the clone of Bill Clinton of cursed memory and scorn, in testimony of which we re-celebrate here some of the setbacks and slumps which are Al Gore's credentials which he plans to bring again to the public attention he has so much abused.

As occupant of the Vice Presidency, the second most powerful office in the world, in an emergency Al Gore has to be ready to step in and assume the functions of Bill Clinton. As Bill Clinton has made lying the obsessive/compulsive psychopathological hallmark of his Presidency, one might say, Al Gore is a heartbeat away from bullshit.

The only thing you can learn from being in close proximity to Bill Clinton is how to lie your ass off, and Gore has been not only an apt, but an eager pupil. As Vice President he began patterning himself after Bill Clinton, an acknowledged world-class falsifier. Before scheduling outdoor speeches, Bubba and Al have to determine whose turn it is to wear the lightning rod. Recently Al went on record, "I didn't know that thing at the Buddhist temple was a fundraiser. I thought it was a Manchurian bar mitzvah!" Since uttering that bare-faced fabrication, people in Washington introduce the Gores to others as Tipper and Whopper.

Al's not as artful a flimflammer as his mentor, but in his yokel impercipience, he rationalizes, "If I tell a lie often enough, it must be true or I wouldn't keep telling it all the time. (What a mentaility!) Al also noticed, in the Clinton White House style trumps substance, he has re-programmed himself to sound like a zealot. He has raised his decibel count to a rock 'n roll band trying to jam a satellite transmission, and has adapted the frenzied bravado of a Tasmanian Devil with an overwound mainspring on methamphetamines. Only the new earth tone schmattes he wears, the chumminess-in-overkill backslapping demeanor, and the obscene bias of the liberal media makes him seem different, but to paraphrase Gertrude Stein a Gore is a Gore is a Gore. But despite the disguise (cover up might be more the apt word, he's still the plodding dolt he always was, and what follows is a solemn reminder of that.

Since the beginning of time, homo sapiens have been in an ongoing struggle to crawl out of the Mesazoic primordial ooze and become civilized. Apparently, Al Gore just hasn't been trying. Despite the vapid non-sequitur statements that crumble from his oral aperture like stale graham cracker crumbs, supporters of Al Gore insist he's not senile - just prematurely dull. His office staff has been instructed to explain away this circumstance by telling visiting dignitaries, "You may not find the Vice President's company very scintillating. He just stepped away from his personality for a few years."

Trying to engage Al Gore verbally is like trying to open a conversation with a sardine key. His public pronouncements are about as shallow as a birdbath. Compared with Al Gore, Al Bundy sounds like Bill Buckley Even with the help of a Teleprompter, Gore can't make it through "How's the family?" without stepping all over his lips.

Al Gore is not possessed of a sparkling wit. When he gets through telling a joke in the forest, the birds shrug. Gore carries a valium in his wallet for identification. Bill Gates uses Al Gore's picture for his "sleep screen." Paradoxically, Gore regards himself as a shrewd operator, despite being the only guy in Washington to accept an IOU from Bill Clinton because it was co-signed by Spiro Agnew.

While still in the womb, an obstetrician declared Al the first fetus to require pre-natal rehabilitation. At an early age, Gore showed definite flashes of dull. Even his computer wouldn't play games with him. In fact, he was so lethargic, the family dog was assigned to teach him how to sit and beg for "uppers."

Al Gore describes himself as "an average guy", accurate when you consider, in his home town, an "average guy" is someone who walks with his knuckles dragging along the ground. Al does have the Tennessee brand of savoir-faire, knowing intuitively, at the dinner table, to scratch himself with the correct fork.

Al Gore was born March 31, 1948. The next fifty two years of his life were uneventful. Clinging to his country roots, he showed up for his inauguration wearing a bib tuxedo. He is the only Vice President ever sworn in with his left hand resting on a balloon while his right hand was playing with his lips.

Al was a chubby kid. At the seashore, the family would wrap him in an American flag and tell people he was a beach ball. To this day, people ask him, "How do you manage to stay out of shape?" (One little boy tore up his autograph after realizing Al was not The Swamp Thing.)

Early on, the Gore family noticed Al was "slow." His parents stopped buying him sweaters because he kept putting his head through the sleeve. Doctors describe his condition as a case of inoperable butterfingers. In just one week::-

- Al got his hand caught in a towel and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;

- he wandered into a corner of the room and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;

- he got trapped in the bathroom when he accidentally locked the door from both sides, and the Fire Department had to come and get him out;

- he caught his head in a pencil sharpener, and the Fire Department had to come and get him out.

Ultimately, his parents had to choose between putting him up for adoption, or opening a charge account with the Fire Department.

It was apparent to the family Al was prone to injure himself. Until the age of eighteen, he had to eat with a rubber fork. They took away all his toys that were sharp or pointy, but he still managed to cut his hand on a tennis ball.

Mentally and physically inept, It took a team of spelunkers to find his I.Q. By the age of five, he had to wear training wheels on his cap and curbfeelers on his shoes. The family sent him to a special school for the hard-of-thinking, where he just couldn't keep up with the rest of the class .(They just couldn't find him a pencil that was "user-friendly.) It took young Al at least a half-hour to use a urinal, because before he could find his dork he had to try to remember where he saw it last. He knew to open a zipper he would have to pull it in a downward direction, but he always had trouble remembering the way back.

Neighbors felt sorry for the Gores but disguised their feelings with guarded compliments, such as, "Say, folks, that kid of yours certainly has a neck on his shoulders."

Al retained most of the "down-home" qualities he had as a boy. Only his attitude toward smoking changed from when he grew up on the Gore family tobacco plantation called Lungbuster Farms. Al faced his first big decision as a farm boy when he struggled to decide which vegetable to take as his role model.

Al Gore likes to tells people he went to M.I.T (The Massachusetts Institute of Tennessee.) At college, he took a series of aptitude tests which revealed he was uniquely qualified either to live off his father or become a door stop. It clear, he never lived up to that early promise.

In college, Al wanted girls to believe he was a weight lifter, so he had a plastic surgeon give him a cosmetic hernia scar. The first time he went for skiing lessons, the ski instructor said, "Mr. Vice President, this is the last time I’m going to tell you. The pants go on first, and then the skis!

As a young Congressman, Gore is remembered for his statement, "Nothing should be done for the first time, and if it should, it shouldn't be now." After that, each time he rose, the Speaker of the House would whisper to the Sergeant-at-Arms, "Stand by with the cargo net."

With Al Gore actively pursuing his ambition to become President, a psychiatrist diagnosed him as suffering from delusions of adequacy. He ordered an MRI examination of Al's skull which revealed his brain's hard-drive had crashed. Fortunately, Al never kept anything important stored on it. His doctor, a world famous neurosurgeon, documents Al's case in a medical journal article entitled, "How to Gift Wrap a Lobotomy." (Gore had already had a brain transplant operation, and was, in fact, the donor. He still likes to take down his pants and show people the scar.)

Folks that know him best say, Al Gore would never occupy, as they call it in Tennessee, the Oval Shed. They said, "Al Gore has a great future behind him because the Vice Presidency is as far as he will ever go. They did not anticipate the emergence of the Republican Party's Heaven's Gate death wish compulsion for committing political suicide by choosing as their standard bearer a candidate who could not break even in a debate with either Larry, Moe, or Curly.

Al Gore keeps assuring Bill Clinton he doesn't mind waiting patiently for Clinton's term to come to an end, but it he is frequently reported as walking around the White House muttering, "Where is John Wilkes Boothe now that I need him?"

I love that photo. (^:

Al Gore Quotes

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

And, of course, the all-time favorite Algore quote...

"As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet."

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.