The REAL cause of morning breath!
Posted on 12/04/2002 12:39:16 PM PST by fortress
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him
Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around.
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT?
AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive
In light of the rising frequency of serious incidents between humans and black bears, the Alaskan Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for black bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing as a warning, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of a close encounter with a bear. Additionally, it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should also be able to recognize the difference between the black bear and its more ferocious cousin, the grizzly bear:
While the tracks for the two species of bear are quite similar, the black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. On the other hand, the grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
The fact that the following is true makes it even funnier:
A crowd of 50 in Keithville, Louisiana, spent most of the night of 6 February 1991 trying to rescue a black bear caught 60 feet up a pine tree. A vet fired tranquillizer darts, and nets were strung to catch it. Several wildlife refuges were alerted to receive the animal. The tree was felled the next morning and a dart-riddled black plastic trash bag was recovered.
The one friend quickly knelt down and began retying his shoes.
"What are you doing that for. We cant outrun a grizzly bear.
The man looked up from his tying and said, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."
One cannibal looks at the other cannibal and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
Sorry - I didn't have any bear jokes, and this one still makes me laugh. And then there's my husband's current favorite:
A three legged dog walks into a bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
The real events are often better than fiction. I remember the story that Rush told about the otter that people had saved from, I think it was an oil spill. After getting the critter all cleaned up and treated at substantial expense. They had this big ceremony to let it go free in the wild (Seattle area)and it took off swimming while the band was playing and all of a sudden an Orca appeared and swallowed the otter up. The band stopped playing and everyone left for home in shock.
I love this one, it's one of my favorites, even if the entire affair was just an otter disaster.
"Do you have trouble with sh** sticking to your fur?"
"No", the bunny replies.
"None at all?" The bear inquires.
"Nope"
So the bear picks the bunny up and wipes with him.
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