High-Priced Emancipation [Book Review: Why There Are No Good Men Left]

The Wall Street Journal ^ | Friday, January 3, 2002 | MEGHAN COX GURDON

[TroutStalker]

Anyone who has ever struggled to find a house to buy should intuitively understand the difficulties faced by the legions of accomplished, educated, 30ish women currently roaming society in search of a husband. They are the stuff of mass entertainment now, these handsome, quick-witted graduates of higher education. On TV, they're the saucy females of "Sex and the City" and "Will & Grace." They surface in fiction as lovelorn Bridget Jones and the hapless heroines of Pam Houston's best-selling short stories.

[expatpat]

Yeah, I was taking off on the other 3 postings, but I agree that 35 is too far along; that's why I used the phrase "it seems". But 25 is probably too low, I'd use 28, myself.

[alpowolf]

Kinda takes the romance out of it, don't it?

[goodnesswins]

"I'm not getting rid of my guns, changing my magazine subscriptions, shaving my beard off, etc etc."

There are women out there who have DONE THAT to their husbands....??? Wouldn't the men kinda know this going into the marriage?

[BuddhaBoy]

These days, romance is not as satisfying as a good credit rating. Why trade one for the other?

[expatpat]

No. There are a lot of subjects kept under the rug until the fish is gaffed and in the boat.

[alpowolf]

Exactly. Some of the guns in my house actually belong to married friends...the other shoe wasn't dropped until he was roped and branded.

[BuddhaBoy]

I can't think of a woman who could pass a pencil test at 28. Not too many 25 y/o's either. Beyond 22, you would have to replace the pencil with a big fat sharpie to get that sucker to drop.

[KC_Conspirator]

Single women in their mid30's and up have got all of the associated trauma and anger of your average Vietnam veteran. They are the walking wounded.

I call them "casualties of the sexual revolution". Sad things, really. I met one the other night at a party. We struck up what I thought was a freindly conversation and even though I was wearing my wedding ring she flew into a maniacal rage when I told her I was married. Totally psychotic. I had the mind to tell her how much of a crazy *itch she was, but I pitied her instead.

[Thud]

ping

[BuddhaBoy]

But you had the unmitigated nerve, to not fulfill her desires, you cad!!

How dare you not grant her entitlement? Don't you know that you are supposed to come clean about being married within the first 30 seconds, or never mention it at all, so that she can have plausible deniability?

That's it; you are going on the N.O.W.'s enemies list. You, you, you.....MAN!

[Jim Noble]

>>. But as I have always said, guys should be cautious of women in their late 30 who have not married because there is usually a reason why this is so<<

I did a lot of fishing in this pond from age 43-46.

Truer words were never spoken.

[Jim Noble]

I would say 22-32, not 25-35, but in general, you're all correct.

34, 35 and unmarried can be quite problematic.

[Jim Noble]

>>But the good men are NOT interested in "Sex in the City" style sluts, and don't like to be with ball-busting single women who lead promiscuous, unhappy lives<<

When I was a boy, we called girls who slept around "ruined".

We were right.

[Under the Radar]

You mention that there are many hostile comments about women. I think you are correct, and I think the comments are warranted. In point of fact it hasn't been that long that women were taught some basics of life (such as what was mentioned by one poster above). Women threw it away hand-over-fist, and are now crying the blues because they cannot get a man. Ultimately it is the woman's responsibility to make herself "saleable," if you will. By "saleable" I mean attractive enough to induce the committment of resources and time and energy that marriage entails. Most women do not do this until it is too late. (Inducing a man to have sex with you is much easier, as you may suspect.)

By too late I mean early thirties. You stated that "after 35 we know women's fertility starts to decline a bit." Actually, by 30 a woman's fertility starts to decline dramatically. The caveat here is the time of first conception. Women who started having children young are, on the main, more fertile throughout their lifetimes (meaning that they ovulate more regularly, have more regular periods, produce more viable eggs, and remain fertile through their 40's, etc.). Women who wait until after 30 to conceive for the first time have many more problems than women who had their first child in their early to mid-20's.

You may ask why I am harping on this. It is simply that by the time that these professional women begin to want hearth and home (because they have spent the first 10 years on their career), it is too late to find husbands and start the families. These women think of themselves as being catches but in reality they are damaged goods. They have usually had one or more abortions, they have political and ideological beliefs that are inimicable to a happy home-life, and they are "past the expiration date," age-wise.

[Jim Noble]

>>Women are expected to work in two career marriages<<

By whom?

[Jim Noble]

>>So many hostile comments about women<

Can you show me a few?

[BuddhaBoy]

If a man is going to settle down with a woman, he had best get hold of her before she can experience her first:

Abortion,
Beating,
Rape,
Job Firing,
Drunken orgy,
Child,
Marriage,
Divorce,
Best Friend's Divorce,
Best Friend' Abortion,
Best Friend's paternity case,

which means usually you are stuck with those 23 or under.

[Jim Noble]

>>which means usually you are stuck with those 23 or under<<

I did OK with 26, but I agree with your exclusionary criteria.

I could never get into 18 and 19 year olds, but by all means, be my guest.

[BuddhaBoy]

I could never get into 18 and 19 year olds.........

The brain fogs, with all the different responses I could make from that statement, but I will behave myself today.

[Thud]

Troutstalker,

This is not necessarily true. "To all those quick-witted graduates of higher education, here is something we guys have always known: Why buy the cow, when the milk is free? "

Fuentes has a better point - that men suitable for long-term marriage do so before they hit 35. Many men develop, at varying ages but almost always before male fertility starts to seriously decline, an intense desire to get hitched. My high school Spanish teacher, a Mormon, described that to my class and I didn't believe it until it happened to me 13 years later.

I had joined a small firm in the San Joaquin Valley after graduating from law school and working in political campaigns for a year, then had a fine time for about a year dating ladies desperate for an eligible batchelor, with absolutely no expectation of marriage by me.

Then BANG! it hit me. It Was Time. Somehow I woke up one morning with a completely different attitude. I considered all the ladies and thought, no. A few days later my secretary said there was someone at her church I should meet. Anna Margaret must have been telepathic - somehow she waited to introduce us until I was ready.

Candy wasn't much to look at but was easily the smartest of the bunch I'd seen since moving to the Valley, sweet, and I thought I could put up with her for 50-60 years. What I wanted was companionship. Lust had nothing to do with it, nor love. Something inside was screaming at me to get hitched Right Now, and she was the one I was most likely to stay with. Love came by degrees.

That was 25 years ago. I drove one son back to college Wednesday and she's driving the other today. Our daughter is a high school senior.

I've paid some attention to this since and the pattern I see around here is definitely that almost all men marry before they're 35 - and generally before they're 32. This means that the pool of suitable men for never-married women over 32 is quite small. Even divorced men tend to stick with their first marriage for at least 4-5 years, so they're generally still in it at the ages when they're age-suitable for never-married females over 32.