(The co-rapist's position -- "Oxford, take my husband. Please." -- is predictably zipper-hoistingly perverted.)
Posted on 01/08/2003 7:46:56 PM PST by Pokey78
Veneris administer erectissime, indefatigabilis pilis, o gulose, dilecte sine causa amicis qui Britanniae praesunt ignaris, tuum ingenium ad nummos cogendum te, Praeses Clinton, Cancellarium Universitatis Oxoniensis faciat fructuosum.*
It's just a draft, obviously. If Bill Clinton is first nominated, then elected chancellor of the University of Oxford as successor to Roy Jenkins, then the author of his citation may well wish to dwell on some of his less well-known attributes. In addition to his priapism, his greed and friendships with rich men, for instance, Clinton is also recognised for his generosity with pardons; his unusual arrangements with Hillary, that uxor validissima et iracunda; and for his highly regarded, if pricey line in after-dinner speaking ("His simplicity, elegance and friendship were very precious and contributed to make this evening unforgettable." - Paris Golf and Country Club).
For the last reason alone, many Oxford graduates may agree with Professor Alan Ryan, warden of New College, told the Times that he "would love" to see Handsome (as Monica once knew him) nominated for the chancellorship: "It would be tremendously good fun and extremely useful if Oxford was going into the fundraising business in a serious fashion." Which Jenkins seems to have thought he was doing a decade ago. In his biography, A Life at the Centre, he noted that "the pace of activity has been increased by the need for major fundraising," a process he regarded as a regrettable necessity.
"I approached this with more determination than enthusiasm, for I do not regard the extraction of money from benefactors as the highest of the intellectual arts. Nor do I wish John Henry Newman's phrase, 'the idea of a university', to assume a new meaning of being the sighting and pursuit of the nearest rich man."
For a man such as Clinton, however, one feels there could be no higher purpose than to empty rich men's pockets into his favourite university's begging bowl. Raising money, as even his regular persecutor Christopher Hitchens allows, is something for which Clinton has a genius. "He could make an appearance in Hollywood, in Silicon Valley or on Wall Street, and just shake the tree, as the saying goes, to produce a windfall of donations. It's what he does best."
And since donations from the wealthy are, as every emigrating Oxford academic reminds us, what the university desperately needs to prevent stars such as themselves succumbing to the blandishments of richer universities in the US, there can be little doubt of Clinton's popularity, were he nominated, among the impoverished colleagues they leave behind. With the appointment of Clinton, the Oxford-US brain drain might be replaced, at a stroke, by a drain drain: we keep our best scholars: they send us their unwanted political effluent.
As Clinton has shown in recent celebrity appearances at the Hay festival and Labour party conferences, the shadier and more incompetent episodes of his presidency are unlikely to prove any serious career impediment over here. To the pitiless Hitchens, Clinton beatifically retired is no better than Clinton in power: a crooked, lawless rapist who bombed Sudan to save his own skin. More commonly, the presence of Clinton is regarded in both political and chattering classes, as, to re-quote Professor Ryan, "tremendously good fun".
Sadly I have never had the opportunity to mingle with Clinton and his security staff, but more fortunate reporters have witnessed - even confessed to having experienced - the eruption of a collective, semi-erotic delirium that was never inspired by proximity to the late Roy Jenkins. In The Natural, his biography of Clinton, Joe Klein, a former boon companion of the president, recalls the "physical, almost carnal quality" of Clinton's public appearances. "He embraced audiences and was aroused by them in turn." Which would obviously liven up the annual dispensation of honorary degrees no end.
But is Clinton's reputation too high a price to pay for a new, sexed-up version of the encaenia ceremony? Although the arrival of a former US president as chancellor would be in keeping with the increasing grandeur of the occupants of this office (a process noted with satisfaction by Jenkins, who took over from Harold Macmillan), those who still consider Clinton to be a shameless sexual predator who conspired to ruin the reputations of his victims, may yet feel that he is a bit of a comedown from the lacklustre medieval clerks who once filled the position. And those who have no trouble with the idea of Clinton the young intern-expert getting his knees under the same tables as all those delightful undergraduates may wonder if his difficulties with the language should not rule him out: "It depends on what the meaning of 'is' is."
Still, as Ryan says, tremendous fun. Parties galore. Swooning hacks. Honorary degrees for Kevin Spacey, Chelsea and Buddy the labrador. Money raining down. More conference warm-ups for Tony Blair. The funny joke of appointing someone who has done more for the extreme political right than Margaret Thatcher, who was refused an honorary degree in 1985. The chancellorship of Prince Philip at Cambridge should remind us not to take it all too seriously. And Clinton's nomination would, as a bonus, protect us from candidates such as Shirley Williams or Chris Patten, eliminate the chilling possibility of John Birt.
If he is proposed, his opponents must offer some superior, stop Clinton competition, and quickly. "In a nutshell," an Oxford spokesperson tells me, "there are no restrictions." A candidate must be nominated by an Oxford graduate, and supported by a further 50. My current inclination is for Gordon Brown. Partly because of his correct, clerkly mien - the opposite of Clinton's; partly because he might, finally, if he headed the place, recognise the inestimable value of an academic elite. Then again, a woman might make a nice change from the past 800 years. Lady Thatcher? Or is she too much of a lefty?
* Most upright servant of Venus, tireless ballplayer, you guzzler, doted on for no good reason by your unperceptive friends in the British government, may your talent for fundraising make you, President Clinton, a profitable chancellor of the University of Oxford. (Latin citation kindly supplied by George Sharpley.)
This might be more than speculation. Also, do a word search on 'rapist', the female writer mentions it once.
Without reading the article, I'd have to say it has something to do with the safety of the female students.
I don't know Latin but it looks to me like it's really saying:
Venerial disease has affected his wiener, it can't stand up straight
(The co-rapist's position -- "Oxford, take my husband. Please." -- is predictably zipper-hoistingly perverted.)
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