UPI) LOS ANGELES (UPI) My 13-year-old daughter's new friend Holly, an exchange student from Korea, came over for dinner the other night and made a point of remarking on how "delicious" everything was, though it probably seemed strange compared to Korean food.

What a contrast to the typical American child's standard comment, which I've encountered over years of attending children's birthday parties: "I don't eat that. That's weird." (My standard response: "Tell someone who cares.")

Holly also brought little presents for me "and for grandfather," who she knew lived with us. I began to wonder if the problem of nasty girls discussed in Rachel Simmons' best-selling "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression In Girls" isn't so much a matter of deep, psychological dysfunction but that no one bothers to teach kids manners in this country any more.

Forget do-me feminism -- a far bigger trend today is do-nothing feminism, the modern equivalent of the neurasthenia of the last fin-de-siecle. Surely you've heard its cri-de-coeur, always voiced in tones of helpless self-pity mixed with weird, dainty pride: "I can't cook/vote/be on time/meet you for lunch/pick up the piles of trash in my living room/read a daily newspaper/insist my daughter behave/deal with being a mom. I'm just...too...busy."

A quick review of what life was like in the days before washing-machines will show this is nonsense. But the conceit that the modern woman's life is unbearably overwhelming now pervades our culture.

It's revealed in everything from books about daughters, like "Odd Girl Out," to books about mothers, like "Misconceptions," Naomi Wolf's mesmerizingly nutty polemic about pregnancy and childbirth.

Simmons marshals page after page of depressing tales of female adolescent cruelty - typical is the story of poor Jenny, who moves to a new school and immediately gets nicknamed, for no discernible reason, Harriet the Hairy Whore -- but never suggests that the perpetrators are simply badly brought up brats ill-suited for polite society. Instead, she argues, "girls in our society are not encouraged to express their anger, and so it goes underground" -- oozing up in toxic little bubbles of middle-school sniping and ostracism.

I'd say the problem is that girls (and boys) are encouraged all too extravagantly in our society to express anger from an early age. Anyone who's seen a preschooler smack its mother or scream in a restaurant or push another child down at the playground -- only to be earnestly asked by the concerned parent about what feelings led to such behavior -- knows this is true.

And Simmons is weirdly cautious about suggesting that girls who aren't teased should reach out to those who are. "Be careful," she advises, in a chapter suggesting how parents can help. "To encourage the other child to exercise compassion at the expense of her own social needs would be to reinforce the message that care and self-sacrifice are her priority." Or, God forbid, kindness and decency. We wouldn't want to encourage that.

Meanwhile, we have Wolf's screed about what she calls "the hidden truths behind giving birth in America today" (that's compared to the sheer delight of giving birth in the rest of the world, of course), which gives new meaning to the word "hysterical."

You may wonder just what truths are still hidden, now that the standard polite flip-through of proud parents' hospital baby pictures means viewing a bloody color close-up of baby's emerging head and mom's genitalia.

But perhaps you had no idea that pregnant women "in our culture" (to use Wolf's favorite phrase) quite often have caesarians, even when they'd hoped not to. That they are typically exhausted and sometimes feel like they're losing their minds. That new moms get up more than new dads to deal with howling infants in the middle of the night. That maternity clothes tend to be unstylish with a cruel lack of selection in Western wear.

Yes, she's serious about that one. "You could not be a cowgirl and a mother," Wolf observes glumly, describing another day "mourning the loss of the young woman I had been" while rifling through the racks at the mall. "You could not be a heartbreaker and a mother...You could not, in our culture, easily pair motherhood with many other alluring archetypes."

As opposed to what other culture, for instance? Are there really maternity shops selling "Annie Get Your Gun" outfits in Iraq? But Wolf remains starry-eyed about the obstetrical wonders of the non-Western world.

In Europe and Belize, she instructs one annoyed obstetrician, episiotomies are less necessary because midwives massage the perineal area with warm oil. There's hardly anywhere on the planet, in fact (except the bad old U.S.A.), that Wolf doesn't imagine as a garden of perineum-massaging delights.

The doctor, who we know is a meanie from Wolf's description of her "tennis-toned figure" and "perfectly coifed suburban hair," finally loses patience and snaps that episiotomies are minor surgical cuts that prevent ragged tearing: "Some tears extend all the way from the vagina into...the ANUS!"

"That did, indeed, shut me up," writes Wolf. But not for long! "In Greece, Guatemala, Burma, China, Japan, Malaysia and Lebanon," she tells us, "women who have given birth are expected to do little more than lie in bed" for a long, leisurely postpartum. And in Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen -- to cite a statement that's also both true and nonsensical.

I guess Wolf missed that terrifying scene in "The Good Earth," where a desperate O-Lan takes to the fields WHILE IN LABOR to save the wheat crop before the storm ruins it.

"Cross-culturally," Wolf continues, "women's pregnancy is marked by ceremony: a festive meal in China, a visit to a Shinto shrine in Japan, a blessing in Malaysia." Or maybe by a stoning in Nigeria if they're pregnant and unmarried, or a fast march to the abortion clinic in India if they're pregnant with another daughter instead of a son. But Wolf doesn't get into any of that.

"Misconceptions" is Wolf's answer to the pregnancy bible "What To Expect When You're Expecting," a sensible, information-packed guide that Wolf found offensive because of its reassuring tone and "patronizing" advice.

"You might as well just sit down with a crate of kale," she writes sullenly about the book's recommendation that pregnant women eat seven daily servings of fruits and vegetables. She sounds like a teenager whose candy and cigarettes have been yanked away.

Then there's Vicki Iovine and her fabulously successful "Girlfriends Guide To..." pregnancy and childcare books. Iovine has developed a real franchise in milking the deluded conceit (but in an up, fun way) that the modern American woman's life is unbearably overwhelming and that the "Girlfriends Guides" are the solution.

"From now on, no matter how puffy your eyes are, how many days that load of laundry has been creasing in the dryer, or how guilty you feel about toasted Pop-Tarts for breakfast, you deserve five minutes" to read what she has to say, she wrote in one of her columns.

Right. But the thing is this: Vicki Iovine has been married for more than 20 years to Jimmy Iovine, the co-founder of Interscope Records. She lives, as befits someone whose husband's company grosses more than $300 million in annual revenues, in an enormous gated estate.

It certainly IS necessary to teach one's children good manners. Two things will happen if you do: people will constantly comment on how well behaved your children are (which can be quite annoying) and you will have to endure sneers from the "let them do as they please" crowd. Oh, and don't forget that you will have to live with well-behaved children. Everyone knows how terrible THAT can be. (sarcasm off)

but that no one bothers to teach kids manners in this country any more.

AMEN!

Under the fear of 'stifeling' their creativity and child abuse, the hedonistic 'experts' have convinced millions of parents 'not to impose' THEIR values on their children.

What bald-faced chutzpah!

That's is what parents DO!!

One would HOPE that a 'parent' has some values to IMPOSE first though.

I CAN tell you that there is hope, as a BIG backlash is coming. Kids who grew up among the 'little emperors' have learned that Gramma DID know best, and ARE teaching manners and respect and they are not allowing the me, Me, ME! demon to ruin THEIR kids!

Anyone who's seen a preschooler smack its mother or scream in a restaurant or push another child down at the playground -- only to be earnestly asked by the concerned parent about what feelings led to such behavior -- knows this is true.

She's right. Psychology and Dr. Spock are evil.

If you frequently use just three simple words around your house, your kids will turn out fine.

These words are: "no," "wrong," and "God".

I am the proud parent of a three year old who has her terrible moments but we work on them every minute of every hour of every day.

I agree whipit! My children have great manners - they are just horrible to live with.........

Not only do they say Sir and Mam, but they have been taught to tip their hairdressers, and I usually have one of them hand our hostess a small gift when we go to someone's home for a party or dinner.......

When my son repeatedly said "Yes Sir" to his 3rd grade teacher, and the ~~moron idiot jerk~~ teacher told him not to say that, we had a ~~confrontation~~ informative meeting where the Principal told me that in saying "Sir" to his teacher, my son was being "different" from the other children......

I should be horsewhipped for doing this to my own kids...........

Oh, and don't forget that you will have to live with well-behaved children. Everyone knows how terrible THAT can be.

When I was criticized for the way I raised my children, I would explain, "it's my house, I'm bigger than they are, and I'm not stupid enough to let a bunch of uncivilized little freeloaders spoil my life in my home. If they want to spoil their own lives after they leave, that's up to them."

Of course they didn't. Having lived in a civilized environment, the appeal of undesciplined confusion was greatly deminished. It's very pleasant around grandchildren who say, "yes, sir," and "no thank you, ma'am."

Hank

Yeah, ain't it terrible! We are constantly receiving compliments about the behavior of our two children, one now a sophomore in college and the other a senior in high school. Not only that, we're also told often - in tones of absolute wonderment - that they both know how to work and stay cheerful all at the same time. Their mother and I can hardly stand it! ;^)

And speaking of their mother, who is a perfect lady from South Korea, she left all the nurses in amazed awe when she gave birth to the both of them (one after the other, of course). That was because when it came time to go to the delivery room she was in and out, both times, in just under 30 minutes. The doctor turned into the highest paid "catcher" in the world. Then, the next day in each case, I brought her and our new bundle of joy home with my wife wearing the same pair of jeans she had worn before she began to "show". It seems that giving birth in other parts of the world and other cultures is what married women are expected to do; having children is a big deal, but the process is nothing to get all excited about sans the occasional problem birth.

And by the way, why IS a Texas girl in PA?

Wow, your wife did well! I, unfortunately had some complications and had to have C-sections both times, delivering premature babies....but I can assure you, I was no whiner! At 2 weeks post surgery, I was driving 30 miles to see the first one in the hospital (yes, I know I wasn't supposed to, but that was MY baby!)......and with the second, not only was I driving the same distance, I was doing my bookkeeping work, at night, at home....... lol

And currently, this TexasgirlinPA is helping her husband find a job....... or, we are also considering being adopted...... lol

That Principal and I ended up being pretty good friends after a year or so, but it sure was rocky at first........

My theory on a home is that it should be your haven...... we tell our kids all the time that this is the one place in the world that we are all loved and wanted - we always want them to feel safe here and WANT to be here........ and it shows too.......

I just had a conference yesterday with my son's 6th grade teachers...... one mentioned him coming in a bit late to his class, but wasn't complaining and I asked why he thought this was happening.

We all agreed he was slow getting in and out of his locker so I mentioned that he was polite, and didn't shove girls out of his way like some boys ......they all agreed....... lol

Which brings us to "The Bitch In the House," edited by Cathi Hanauer, a women's magazine veteran. This is a collection of essays by women journalists, mostly complaining about the difficulty of combining marriage and child-rearing with their glamorous, high-powered New York media jobs.

Oh. I thought it was a new biography of Shiela Jackson Lee.

Principal told me that in saying "Sir" to his teacher, my son was being "different" from the other children......

Im Georgia my daughter is thanked by her teacher for saying "Sir." Come back to the South Tex and your well mannered children will be appreciated.

Your response reminded me of my 11 year old son. He started middle school this year and of course they all get a locker. Well, one mother told me her daughter really liked my son because he helped her open her locker one day when she couldn't get the combination to work and she was getting upset. When I asked him about it he said, "Oh, I do that for all the girls". The love notes just keep coming in!

Isn't "Tell someone who cares" in itself a bit rude? Maybe American kids hear American adults speak that way and pick it up.

I've met plenty of polite American kids.

Koreans still have good manners drubbed into them.

I remember one young lady who was tutoring students. One of her young charges hadn't done his work and had scored poorly on a test. I asked her, "what did you do?"

Her reply, with accompanying quizzical look as if it was obvious: "Well...I beat him with the stick!!" (Ahhh, the board of education solution.)

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