Posted on 02/21/2003 2:46:13 PM PST by Pokey78
'Idon't know, George. I've just got a bad feeling about the whole plan. It must be pretty obvious to people that even a real Frenchman wouldn't carry on like this"
"Relax, buddy. Ol' Jacques's just got a couple of overloaded circuits. The CIA tech support guys'll fax you the rewiring pamphlet, and all you gotta do is get him in the men's room at the Elysee, yank his pants off and unscrew the control panel in his left buttock."
"That's easy for you to say. You're not going to be the one with your face pressed up against his bottom when Dominique de Villepin walks in."
"Oh, come on, Tony. We're makin' history here. No one's ever come up with an entirely mechanical French president before. He's bound to overheat once in a while. An' you've got to admit the Jacquesbot's a lot more convincing than the ones the KGB cooked up. I mean, all you could do with the Andropov and Chernenko droids was lean 'em up against Gromyko and get him to move the arm occasionally. Whereas this Jacquesbot version 6.1 is state of the art. The mistresses can't tell a thing"
"Except for the one he conked out on, and she heard the faint metallic ping and the voice saying, 'Insert three euros for another 20 minutes'."
"Yeah, well, luckily she was some emir's wife and just put it down to Gallic cynicism. But I gotta hand it to those Nixon guys - they knew how to look ahead. I'd love to have been there when Tricky Dick says, 'So what are we gonna do about France, long-term geopolitical strategy-wise?' and Kissinger says, 'I got the answer right here, Mr President', and the old prototype Jacquesbot walks in all jerky singing La vie en rose while simultaneously smoking a Gauloise. Must have been quite a moment. Specially when the nose caught fire."
"That's what I want to talk to you about, George. He's too French. He's just this ridiculous amalgam of French cliches - shifty, snooty, horny. Someone's bound to figure it out."
"Yeah, yeah. Pop says you Brits were saying that back in the Seventies. Funny how the French never seem to notice. The only problem right now is that the Gallometer is turned up a notch too high."
"That's my point. The idea was to make the Poles and Bulgars mad, but not so mad they don't want anything to do with the EU and I'm stuck in that Franco-Belgo-German racket for ever."
"Okay, so you don't want to unscrew his butt. Fine. All you do is walk up to him, kinda relaxed and casual, and say, 'Jacques, old bean. Let's not just shake hands like a couple of sexually repressed English schoolboys. What say I give you the standard Gallic double-kiss, old sport?' Then, while you're smooching, run your hand up his back and you'll find the Gallometer about halfway up. Try and do this in front of a mirror if you can. You'll see the settings MA, MC, MD, MM, MP. You want to try and turn the dial counter-clockwise from MA, past MC and on to MM."
"Counter-clockwise to MD?"
"God, no. We're saving MD until de Villepin threatens to use the veto. It's MM. Move the dial from MA to MM."
"Wouldn't it have been easier if the settings didn't all start with M?"
"Well, that's my fault. I said to the spooks, 'Look, Tony says the new Jacquesbot needs to have a broader range of convincing Gallic characteristics. Get the Paris office to ship over some French DNA,' and the director says, 'Clinton had the Paris office closed to pay for the federal bicycling helmet programme,' and I say, 'Who needs it anyway? Let's jes' do a l'il brainstorming here on what we know about France. There was that guy who sang Thank Heaven For Little Girls, and that queen with the whole "Let 'em eat cake" deal, and that miserable feller who wrote some book about a cookie.' And then there's a long silence and the CIA dude says, 'Wasn't there a marquis with a bondage dungeon?"'
"MA - Marie Antoinette. MC - Maurice Chevalier. MP - Marcel Proust. MD -"
"Marquis De sade. Jacques' on MA at the moment, queening it all over the Romanians and Slobodenians, but he should be calmer when he's on MM."
"And that would be?"
"Marcel Marceau. I thought it would be kinda cute when they ask him what he thinks of the new UN resolution and he just clams up and starts moving his hands around like he's trying to escape from an invisible box."
"That's what I mean, George. The trick with the Jacquesbot is to make him look ridiculous, but not too obviously. Like this week, when he welcomed everyone to his big African summit and to show his displeasure he ostentatiously kisses all the other leaders but not Mugabe."
"Like Mugabe's the kinda guy who's gonna be upset 'cause he didn't get kissed by a man. That was your joke, right?"
"Exactly. So I was thinking maybe we could leave him on the Marie Antoinette setting and he could ask Bob for the first dance at the closing gala"
LOL!
Get the US out of the UN!
Get the UK out of the EU!
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