FROM CANADA: We like so love Americans

National Post (Canada) ^ | March 1, 2003 | Lisa Gabriele

[MadIvan]

Dear AWESOME Americans, First off: You guys totally rock. We mean that. If anything bad happens to you guys, we are going to be SO on your side, cross our hearts hope to die stick a needle in our eye called it stamped it can't erase it. But we understand if you don't believe us on account of SOME Canadians who have SUPER big mouths who shall remain totally UNnameless.

Second off: Oh. My. God. We are SO embarrassed about what our Liberal MP, Carolyn (Parachute Pants) Parrish, said the other day when she was all, "Damn Americans. I hate those bastards." That's almost as whack as Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's former communications director, Françoise (Feathered Bangs) Ducros saying, "What a moron," about your President, George (So Not a) W(anker) Bush.

Third off: Though this whole war thing is getting RIGHT out of hand, if someone tried to, like, kill our Dad, they'd be SO dead at recess, too.

But we're writing you this note because we're totally begging please DO NOT be mad at us because honestly the rest of Canada had NOTHING to do with those off-the-record-utterances made in the safe confines of our brand of scrums whereby reporters and political leaders seem to enjoy a lot of intimate, insider nudging and winking, all the while assuming off-colo(u)r comments are off-the-record, when, in fact, they are SO not.

Here's our opinion:

1. They are so jealous of you guys and your global superpower status, and your ability to annihilate any country which poses even a tangential threat.

2. Which means they totally want to BE you.

3. Which means they totally LOVE you.

4. Which means they totally want to MARRY you.

Finally, do NOT be mad at Britain for passing you this note. They're, like, our BEST friends in the world:

1. Because they totally know us from way back.

2. We have the same exact Queen.

3. We have the same exact spelling of words such as "Survivo(u)r," and "The Bachelo(u)r."

Britain knows how sorry we are. Go ahead. Ask them. They'll totally stick up for our good character (No. - Ivan), not to mention our millions of acres of arable land, plus a seemingly endless fresh water supply, plus world-class marijuana, plus OIL, plus now DIAMONDS. Yes, we KNOW you guys got THE most awesome TV shows, but you don't have EVERYTHING in the world that's great. We got stuff, too, you know, and maybe we're pretty sick of hearing you guys all the time going, "Ooo, look at us, we're SOOO great because we're AMERICANS, oooo."

So, anyways you guys, thanks for reading this far. And if you send this note back unopened, FINE. We do not even care. But you better give us back OUR Avril Lavigne plus OUR Shania Twain. By the looks of what you've been feeding them, we're pretty sure they can both fit snugly inside the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope.

From Canada With LIKE

[WaterDragon]

I've always been perplexed by people who say Americans walk around so proud to be Americans and this pi%%es them off.

Aren't other people proud to be their nationalities? Don't they feel their countries are really the best? There are Americans who live elsewhere because they prefer other countries. I assume people from other countries living in America prefer it here.

What's the big deal about this?

Long before America was a superpower people were migrating here in droves.

[Maven]

I suggest you don't do it too long, as you can feel your brain cells begin to die reading Valley Girl speak for an extended duration.

Just for the record - not all Valley Girls speak this way - I don't!

Maven
Spitting distance from the Galleria....

[CobaltBlue]

>>What do you have that you actually made not something given to you by mother nature?<<

Good point. Canada's economy is based on commodities, as are those of most Third World nations.

The Chinese, at least, are eating our lunch at manufacturing.

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

I doubt she is an idiot, it was actually a pretty good piece of work, for what it was. Actually, I thought it was a great parody at first, but my outrage over the content overrode my sense of humor re the form...What we consider Valley speak is imitated by Canadian girls too, so she is parodizing her own people as well, intentionally or not.

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

Nice Florida tan I see!

[I_Love_My_Husband]

Where in the Valley?

I lived in Sepulveda....though some of my neighbors referred to it as Granada Hills...hehe. (It was close to GH, but not GH).

[I_Love_My_Husband]

Ok, you still live there in Sherman Oaks. Sabertooth also lives in Sherman Oaks.

[MattAMiller]

I am TOTALLY sick of hearing how WE think WE are great...I wish the rest of the world would Quit Projecting THEIR feelings onto US.

I agree. But I do understand how foreigners get sick of loud mouths who instantly bray about WWII or whatnot whenever they get opportunity.

There are plenty of people on this forum who seem to think the whole world ought to bend to our will just because we're powerful. People like this tar any effort to lead the world towards doing the right thing because it's the right thing.

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

I could not agree more....

[Maven]

Sherman Oaks, fer sure, fer sure. LOL!

Don't you just love all the new place names so people can think they're living somewhere nicer? "Oh, I don't live in North Hollywood - I live in Valley Village." Sheesh.

Except for when I was married, I've lived in the Valley since I was 6 years old - North Hollywood, Van Nuys (brief stint in Panorama City) and Sherman Oaks.

Maven