... you may want to send me $20,000 to invest for you, 100% return guaranteed.
Posted on 03/18/2003 9:20:21 PM PST by Sweet_Sunflower29
BELTON, Tex. -- Randy Burcheon has filed a whopping $250,000 lawsuit against himself -- for making his life a living hell! "Mr. Burcheon suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder," explains Simon Eggert, Burcheon's attorney. "Five of his six personalities are kind, considerate people.
"But the sixth -- an unemployed, alcoholic bully known as Larry -- is constantly causing trouble and destroying anything good that happens in my client's life. This has been going on for more than 10 years, and it's time for it to stop."
According to Burcheon, Larry's dastardly deeds include:
>Sexually harassing his girlfriend. Yelling obscenities at Burcheon's supervisor during an important business meeting. Running up thousands of dollars in charges on Burcheon's credit card at area liquor stores and strip joints. Subscribing to dozens of disgusting German porno magazines. Writing threatening letters to the President, which resulted in an angry visit from the Secret Service. "Larry has ruined my life and he should pay for that," says Burcheon, a 35-year-old tax accountant.
"Enough is enough!"
However, Larry says the allegations against him are false, and he intends to vigorously defend himself in court.
In fact, he has even gone so far as to hire his own lawyer.
"Randy's lying through his teeth," says Larry.
"I never did any of those things he's accusing me of. Personally, I think he's dragging me to court simply because his girlfriend finds me more attractive than him. He's just plain jealous."
Experts say the suit is a legal first, and they are monitoring it very closely.
"To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever successfully sued himself in a court of law," notes a Dallas-based law scholar who asked not to be identified.
"If Randy Burcheon actually wins this thing, it could have far-reaching legal consequences. Pretty soon, people will be suing themselves over all sorts of silly things. It'll reduce the legal system to chaos."
Despite his client's detractors, Eggert believes they have a solid case. "The law is on our side," he says. "All five of Randy's good personalities have agreed to testify against Larry. We're going to win this hands down, I'm certain of it."
Burcheon is not a wealthy man, so if Randy wins the suit, the settlement would have to come from Larry's insurance policy. Nervous insurance agents are hoping the case gets thrown out of court.
One agent notes, "If it gets through the courts, this would be the first time in history a claim was paid out to a man who filed against himself."
And evidently through your teeth, too, Larry.
... you may want to send me $20,000 to invest for you, 100% return guaranteed.
Easy money Larry or opportunistic Randy.
Just damn.
Uh, the "legal system" has already collapsed. Justice has long since ended as a phenomenon.
We are left with a vast money machine transferring wealth from those who are honest to the lawyer industry.
Honestly, you wouldn't believe the lawsuits in the court system - esp. small claims court.
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