Skip to comments.No S-E-X please, we're Anglicans
Posted on 07/26/2005 5:33:26 PM PDT by sionnsar
It really is hard to get over the kind of contrived, postmodern and essentially thick-as-a-brick logic that propels the modern Anglican hierarchy towards its mega-dottage. You couldn't make up some of the dreamworld stuff it comes up with in its perennial pursuit of becoming 'culturally relevant' abandoning what it considers the outmoded concept of being biblically faithful.
So then, same-gender civil unions for gay clergy are now IN in the modern Church of England. More than 700 clergy, we are told, are already lining up (let us hope not at the same time or things could get out of hand) to "marry" their partners. But, now here's the bizarre Anglican Catch 22: though you can "marry" there must be "no hanky-panky" (as an pre-modern Christian, as you may expect, I cannot possibly bring myself to use the S-E-X word).
So these are the new Anglican rules. IN for same-gender clergy are:
As some elderly friends in a local conservative Christian group learned from a visit by ACT-UP quite a few years ago, the knock itself may be "limp-wristed" but it will be followed by some very nasty jackboots.
Things may be just about as awful as they can get, but you've got to admit that the Anglicans spoof their own problems with more panache than just about anybody on the planet...
"Naughty bits..." LOL!
Spong, Spong, Spong, Spong
Lovely Spong, Wonderful Spong!
A congregant enters Canterbury.
Congregant: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The primate does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Primate: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, It must have been the purple robes. I wish to make a complaint!
P: We're closin' for a peace march.
C: Never mind that, your grace. I wish to complain about this church what I joined not half a century ago at this very parish.
P: Oh yes, the, uh, the Anglican Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, your grace. 'It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, she's uh,...she's evolving.
C: Look, your grace, I know a dead church when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no she's not dead, she's, she's resting from explaining, from within the sources of authority that we as Anglicans have received in scripture, the apostolic tradition and reasoned reflection, how a person living in a same gender union may be considered eligible to lead the fl ock of Christ! Remarkable church, the Anglican Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful singing!
C: The singing don't enter into it. It's stone dead...
O: Nononono, no, no! 'She's resting!
C: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake her up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mother Church! I've got a lovely sherry for you if you show...(Primate flings open the doors of the cathedral)
P: There, the church is full of life!
C: No, it isn't. That was just the weekly meeting of the Committee for Inclusive Investing and Ethical Condemnation of the Zionist Running Dog Presence in Palestine.
C: (yelling repeatedly) 'ELLO CHURCH!!!!!
C: Now that's what I call a dead church.
P: No, no.....No, 'she's stunned!
P: Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was wakin' up! Anglican Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, your grace, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That church is definitely deceased, and when I joined it not 'alf a decade ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged process of listening throughout the Anglican Communion.
O: Well, she's...he's, ah...probably pining for more inclusive dialog.
C: PININ' for ICLUSIVE DIALOG?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on his back the moment everyone left Lambeth?
P: The Anglican Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable church, id'nit, squire? Lovely incense!
C: She's dead as a door nail. Scripture is edited out and twisted, truth is relative, the pews are empty... P: No no! 'She's pining! C: 'She's not pinin'! 'She's passed on! This church is no more! She has ceased to be! 'She's expired and gone to meet her maker! 'She's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'She rests in peace! If the buildings weren't dramatic and retro-chic, you'd have sold them to put on a musical review and she'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Er metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'She's off the twig! 'Sh's kicked the bucket, 'She's shuffled off 'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' boy's choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-CHURCH!!
P: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
P: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of faith and religion.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
P: I got social justice.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it offer eternal salvation?
P: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Mecca, he'll replace the religion for you.
C: Mecca, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Mecca, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
Wellll, I'm an Anglican and that's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day
I like to put on vestments
And hang around in bars...
bwahahahah! Indeed, it does appear that way, doesn't it?
You've got a point there, LOL!
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Speak the truth in love. Eph 4:15
(sung to the tune of "God Bless America")
I am an Anglican, I am C.E.
Not the High Church, nor Low Church
But Protestant, Episcopal, and Free.
Not a Methodist, not a Presbyter,
Not a Baptist white with foam,
I am an Anglican, just one step from Rome.
I am an Anglican, just one step from Rome.
The third line doesn't quite work when I tried to sing it. ;-)
PROT(estant), ePIS(copal) and FREE. Same way as "PRES(byter)" in a later line.
You have to sing the syllables in parens by repeating the note, but it does work (I've sung it quite a lot over the years since I learned it at church camp in my teens.)
I laughed 'til my eyes watered! Parrot, church...what's the difference? Dead is dead.
Side splitting funny!
THAT'LL make a lot of people uncomfortable and suspicious.
<< LOL !!!!
(But SAD that a Great Church collapses on the basis of [One girlyman's] want for another man's hairy pimply fanny) >>
Those who do not know and respect History are doomed.
Sodom and Gomorrah were lost for less.
<< But I'm certain our Creator has something up his sleeve. His Word does promise. >>
Me too. It does indeed!
O well, there must be somewhere we can take our church.
LOL, kudos for an extremely good parody! Brilliant! Can we just copy this an send it around? We'll give you author's credit and all, of course! Really, you might want to stick a copyright date on this one.
Thank you, but it was really just lifted from classic Monty Python with the context changed to the 21st century "Church" of England. If you do pass it around, you will probably spot the typos, etc, that I missed when originally posting it.
Funny how these old threads come back to life...
“(But SAD that a great church collapses on the basis of want for another man’s hairy pimply fanny.)”
Where there is sodomy, there also is Satan.