Posted on 09/08/2001 8:34:58 AM PDT by VA Voter
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
:-)
But I believe it is pronounced -- duh gah, without the "s".
But the thief's partner broke in: "Donatello!"
These half-page stories were always elaborate extended puns with big set-ups.I can't recall the author's name.
I was always delighted at their totally unanticipated, and punningly agonized resolution. This was probably the first public evidence of my ...uh...affliction.
I sincerely hope I do not find many good puns on this thread. I've been trying to quit.;*)
Here's one:-----A devoted student of the Wisdom of the East had searched unsuccessfully far and wide throughout India for a guru who could point him to the truth. After months of fruitless searching he encountered an old fakir in Ahmedabad, who sent him to find that now-famed saint, the venerable Sage of Asparagus.
This esteemed avatar, learned and wise, dwelt high in the Himalayas, where his devotees had created a sort of caravansary in an alpine meadow. Tents and pole-supported awnings were scattered across the flowered turf.
Our pilgrim strode up to the encampment and inquired as to the whereabouts of the Sage.
He was directed across the meadow to where an aged but vital figure sat in the sunshine, speaking of the things he knew, and being silent concerning things he knew not.
A sudden thunderstorm boiled over the ridge. Everyone ran for their tents, to escape being drenched by the lightning-lit downpour. Not the Sage of Asparagus.
He sat, unperturbed and dry, while all around him the rain pelted down.
Our astonished student blurted out,"How can you stay dry, you have no roof over your head?!".
The Sage laughed and and informed the novice, "Didn't you know?"
"Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus."
Sorry.
Well, perhaps after my post you won't be any more... heh.
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TERRIBLE UNION PUNS
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The Custodians of America were in a hiring frenzy because their work was really picking up.
The Balloon Makers formed a union because their work was rapidly expanding.
The Fortune Tellers did not form a union because it became crystal clear that there was no future in it.
The Magicians were worried and did not form a union because of concern that their work was just an illusion, and would soon vanish.
The Electricians union took charge and sent the Teamsters Union packing. (At least that is the current situation due to an alternating view.)
The Ice Cream Makers discovered that their union had a hiring freeze.
The Meat Packers Union found that government gave them the cold shoulder.
The Breadmakers could not rise to the occasion and were given an absolutely raw deal.
War recently broke out among the windows installers association, causing a real pane ... until they had a major breakthrough that was a shattering success.
The painters union was all primed for a strike but was rolled right over by the floor-covering union that laid down the law because they were stretched tight.
The Professional Bowlers Association did go an a major strike, but were split on the issues.
The Professional Wrestlers wanted to form a union because they felt they were being pinned by those holding them down, and they did not want to be counted out...
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THE WORLD'S 20 WORST PUNS
==========================
1. The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts.
2. In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the ala mode."
3. There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor."
4. The commuter's Volkswagen went down once too often. So he consigned it to the Old Volks Home.
5. When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no trace of a blaze. His official report read, "Falsie alarm."
6. The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He wanted to make a long-distance caw.
7. A talkative musician couldn't hold a job. Every time he opened his mouth, he put his flute in it.
8. A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package he had sent had never arrived. Optimistically, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come."
9. When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed on time, he explained to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down."
10. There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly - and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh.
11. A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?"
12. Egotist: a man who's always me-deep in conversation.
13. She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the male half of the senior class. They weighed her in the balance and found her wanton.
14. A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line.
15. The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've given that woman the best ears of my life."
16. "It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked. "I know," said another. "I just stepped into a poodle."
17. In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake -- and married her before the Inca was dry.
18. An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate.
19. The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony.
20. A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time sultan. "I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your fez is familiar."
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MISCELLANEOUS PUNS
===================
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on a typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
History Lesson: Did you know that in 1850, the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted?
Q: What do the starship Enterprise, Mike Tyson and Van Gogh have in common?
A: They are all searching for the Final Front Ear!
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Nuclear physicists often have trouble concentrating on one project because they have too many ions in the fire.
Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He had to buy a duet-yourself kit.
Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Bar tender?"
A white lie is aversion of the truth.
Q: Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?
A: It's called "Suture Self."
Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.
She's sexy but not very bright -- a real foxymoron.
If Paula Jones had an infestation of little blood sucking insects, would it be "Paula ticks as usual?"
Max was against mountain climbing. So they called him "Anti-Climb Max."
My old cat is just not himself anymore. He's become so forgetful that today, I was petting him, and he made no sound at all. I think he's developed a purr senility disorder.
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GANDHI
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Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
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STILL MORE PUNNY STUFF
=======================
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal shaman who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the shaman looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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