New Christian Take on the Old Dating Ritual

ORRISTOWN, Tenn., Sept. 5 — Casey Moss and Kara Price never dated each other, or anyone else. They never shared a meal alone, never talked about their dreams or plans. They never kissed and never held hands.

Yet two years ago, when Kara was 14 and Casey was 20 and heading off to medical school, they pledged their lives to each other in an improvised ceremony at their church that they called a betrothal. They exchanged matching signet rings, promised to be faithful and considered their vows as binding as a marriage.

Only then did they set about getting to know each other and thinking of themselves as a couple. Last month, with their parents' permission, they decided they could start holding hands.

While their story may seem a throwback to the Victorian age, Casey and Kara are actually on the front edge of a small but growing movement among conservative Christian youths who are rejecting the dominant culture's approach to dating and romance.

They are not simply saying no to premarital sex. They are essentially saying no to premarital romance. Convinced that dating causes emotional pain, broken promises and sexual straying, they are trying to rewrite the rules for relationships.

Although a formal betrothal like Casey and Kara's is rare — even in conservative Christian circles some would consider their union extreme because of her youth — many people are promoting a similar hand-before-heart approach they call courtship. The commitment to marriage comes first, before a couple is allowed to begin drawing emotionally close. In some cases, they are little more than acquaintances. Even then they are chaperoned and kept accountable by parents, pastors or responsible peers.

"There has been a big movement in the last several years of people going back to the old courtship model," said Brad A. Voyles, dean of student life at Belhaven College, an evangelical Christian school in Jackson, Miss. "You talk to the parents to get permission to date the daughter, you don't go on dates by yourself but with groups of people, and dating is for the purpose of getting to know the other person with designs on getting married."

A variety of what are called biblical methods for finding a mate are gaining currency on Web sites, on the campuses of Christian colleges, and in a bevy of books inspired by Joshua Harris's volume "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (Multnomah Books, 1997), which has sold more than 800,000 copies by the publisher's count and spawned a sequel, "Boy Meets Girl" (Multnomah, 2000).

Like many advocating these ideas, Mr. Harris grew up in the counterculture of Christian home schoolers who are accustomed to seeing themselves as mavericks cutting fresh paths in an ungodly society.

"What really drove my change of perspective on dating," said Mr. Harris, executive pastor at Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, Md., "was seeing how I had used and hurt different girls in relationships that didn't have a clear purpose and weren't about commitment or pursuing marriage."

Leading someone on is prohibited in the Bible, he said, citing a passage from First Thessalonians that warns against "defrauding." His first book opens with a bride's nightmare in which her groom stands at the altar, holding hands with the phantoms of all his previous girlfriends.

Joshua Goforth, a 22-year-old graphic artist in San Antonio who was schooled by his parents at home, said he observed his friends' habits and concluded early on that "dating is preparation for divorce." He explained: "You're winning a girl's heart, being emotionally or physically involved with her, and then when you're tired of it you just break it off and go to the next girl."

He noticed Noelle Wheeler, who is 24, at a home-schooling conference, and the two later found themselves working together intensively on a book project for a Christian publisher. Last November, he took Ms. Wheeler's father, Richard, out to breakfast at the local International House of Pancakes and nervously asked him for permission to begin to court his daughter. Mr. Wheeler said yes.

"I knew if I could trust his character then it would make a good marriage," said Mr. Wheeler, an evangelist who travels the country portraying Christian heroes in American history. "Because a marriage is built not on love, but on someone who has the character to withstand the storms that marriage brings, the arguments and the disagreements."

At their wedding in June, after saying "I do," the couple say they kissed for the first time in their lives. The kiss was celebrated by their church community as a triumph of Christian courtship.

But even to some like-minded Christian leaders, the revival of old- fashioned courtship rituals is both unrealistic and unnecessary.

Jeramy Clark, a youth pastor at Tri-Lakes Chapel, a nondenominational church in Monument, Colo., said: "Why do we think that just going back a few hundred years and doing it that way is any more godly than dating appropriately now?"

"To me it kind of seems like there's almost a lack of trust that two young people can keep themselves pure," said Mr. Clark, who wrote "I Gave Dating a Chance" (Waterbrook Press, 2000) as a rebuttal to Mr. Harris. "It's almost like, let's not give them the opportunity to make a mistake. I wonder at times, in families like that, whether their children are allowed to drive. There's safety risks when we enter into life, and we may get into a few fender benders along the way."

In his book, Mr. Clark advocates "Lordship dating" and encourages couples to set boundaries mindful of God's will for them to remain pure. He warns girls not to flirt, or brush against boys, or hug. If you must hug, he writes, "you can either put your hand out to protect your chest, or you can stand far enough away to make it a light hug."

Kara Price's parents, Peggy and Jim Price — he is the pastor of Heritage Fellowship in Jefferson City, Tenn., reject the notion that they have been overprotective.

Indeed, in the early 90's, they moved their four children to Dagestan, a former Soviet region, to start a church, and stayed there for two years when war broke out in neighboring Chechnya and local officials threatened their lives. They say they believe that God guides them in every aspect of their lives.

"We've always taught them that dating is not the way," Mrs. Price said. "Hearing God is the way, and he will tell you who to marry."

Casey Moss was a baby sitter to Kara and her younger siblings, and was a friend to her older brother, Jonathan. Kara's father had taken a liking to the intense young man and began to mentor him. He says God had told him that Mr. Moss would one day marry his daughter.

And yet the Prices were stunned when Mr. Moss came to them one day after they returned from Dagestan and confided that he had heard God tell him that Kara was to be his wife. Kara was only 14 at the time. That night, entirely unaware of his interest, Kara told her mother that God had told her Casey Moss was to be her husband.

To this day, everyone involved agrees that there was no way the two young people could have known of each other's confessions. The Prices took it as a supernatural sign. They talked it over with Casey Moss's parents, Donald and Paula Moss, and decided it was wrong to keep their children's mutual interest from each other, despite Kara's age.

"You don't raise kids to hear God, and then say, `Gee, I don't think he told you that,' " Mrs. Price said. "If you raise them to trust what the Lord says, then you have to trust what they say the Lord is telling them."

But they had no idea what to do next. The idea of a betrothal ceremony came after they searched the Internet and found Jonathan Lindvall of Springville, Calif., one of the earliest proponents of the courtship approach and a frequent speaker at home-schooling events.

Now, every other weekend, Kara's parents drive her an hour and a half through Tennessee countryside to visit Mr. Moss at medical school in Johnson City. Mr. Moss is garrulous and handsome, with deep dimples; Kara, a freshman at college, is pixie- pretty and quiet. On a recent visit, joking with their parents and siblings, the couple sat with hands intertwined on the plaid couch, their first joint purchase, which she picked out and he bought on a shopping trip with his mother.

Being betrothed, Casey Moss said, "I can begin to emotionally connect because it's safe. You're not going to leave in six months and break my heart. And that's probably the key to our entire relationship at this point. We're both seeking God and being drawn together, so there's that real sense of security because no matter how rough it gets, we're stuck together. It's nice. It's very nice."

I'd like someone to prove to me that asking parental permission to hold hands was a common practice a few hundred years ago. This sounds like perpetual childhood to me.

I never wanted to date anyone I wouldn't consider marrying. I believe VS was the 3rd or 4th guy I went out with and the only one for more than 2 dates. We've been married 19 years. But knowing you're going to marry someone before dating them? Not necessarily likely.

BTW, traditional courtship was very compatible with pregnant brides.

Mrs VS

Kara was 14 and Casey was 20 ----

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Much of what is said here would be a decided improvement. However, 14 is too young. Something about this relationship sets off warning signals in the back of my mind.

Those Orthodox Jews never have a long betrothal. They date only when they are ready for marriage, and only date to determine if the person is a suitable marriage partner. They know within 3-5 dates, usually, if there is a future.

If not, they stop dating. If there is, an engagement is announced, and a wedding will be made, usually within 2-6 months.

My nephew dated his wife, the only woman he ever dated, for a few weeks before announcing their engagement. He is now a 26-year-old man, married 4.5 years, with 2.3 children. We all adore his wife.

I don't really understand the idea of long-term dating with no interest in marriage, either. A lot of very happily married people I know say two things: 1) they knew very quickly whether the person in question was the "right one" , and 2) they felt, and still feel, as if they could spend an unlimited amount of time with the person.

I have to wonder though about the attitudes displayed in this article. Holding hands, IMO, is one of the most innocent acts I can think of. People who object to such practices are oversexualing physical contact. Since when is prudery a healthy habit?

Much of what is said here would be a decided improvement. However, 14 is too young. Something about this relationship sets off warning signals in the back of my mind.

What sort of warning? Presumably there was no physical relationship until marriage which was way into the future. The danger of very young marriages is that at 28 your tastes have changed and you are not the same person you were at 14.

As compared to promiscuity, prudery can be healthy :-). I've met a Orthodox Jewish fellow who would not hold his fiance's hand until marriage, and he said it was quite difficult not to be able to do it when he accompanied her to the doctor where she had to have a painful procedure. (His parents, BTW, were not all that strict.) I expect its more of a discipline exercise than a worry about what might happen.

I'd like someone to prove to me that asking parental permission to hold hands was a common practice a few hundred years ago. This sounds like perpetual childhood to me.

It was never common practice in the United States where during Puritan times half the brides were pregnant. This is a fairly new concept, and probably just another way of not dating. College students we are told no longer date but either do everything in groups or "connect".

Yet two years ago, when Kara was 14 and Casey was 20 and heading off to medical school, they pledged their lives to each other in an improvised ceremony at their church that they called a betrothal.

14? So instead of attempting to instill there daughter with their values and then letting her make decisions about her life based on those values, they are just going to dictate what she'll be doing and who'll she be doing it with until she dies.

? So instead of attempting to instill there daughter with their values and then letting her make decisions about her life based on those values, they are just going to dictate what she'll be doing and who'll she be doing it with until she dies.

I'm not a proponent of letting children choose their own values but, I have to say that, in this day and age, I think it is a great disservice to a woman to shelter her in this way. I do not believe in raising women to be perpetual dependents.

I'm a single in a denomination where "courtship" is taking hold spontaniously among available women, particularly slightly older ones who have been burned, or want to avoid being burned, by the standard dating process. It's great that they're looking for a higher standard of rules. It's driving me nuts that they're not telling the guys. Yup, the ladies are changing the rules and the guys don't realize there are any rules. I (on the hunt at 33) have been getting depressed by the lack of response by the ladies...until an older one confided that one of the rules is that they won't initiate ANYTHING.

Doesn't make too much difference which mate-finding rules are being used, as long as they are followed righteously and all parties know what the rules are.

I didn't say children should choose their own values, but what is wrong with raising your kids to respect their values and then when they become adults allowing them to decide whether or not they wish to follow them?

Are we a tad afraid of the big ol' bad world and the ability to decide things on our own? If their faith in their parenting is so weak that they must betrothe her, they must not have very much faith at all.

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