Story of Hotel Soap (long read humor)

The Saga of Hotel Soap
                 The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel submitted the
letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column.
              Dear Maid,

                 Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap
in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

              Thank you,
              S. Berman

              Dear Room 635,

                 I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

              Kathy, Relief Maid

              Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

                 Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her
concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening
I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine
cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought
my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.

              S. Berman

              Dear Mr. Berman,

                 My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when
you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further
assistance.

              Your regular maid,
              Dotty

              Dear Mr. Berman,

                 The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this
morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

              Elaine Carmen
              Housekeeper

              Dear Miss Carmen,

                 It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's
the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of
soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5
days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this
to me?

              S. Berman

              Dear Mr. Berman,

                 Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

              Elaine Carmen,
              Housekeeper

              Dear Mr. Kensedder,

                 My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

              S. Berman

              Dear Mr. Berman,

                 I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your
soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.

              Martin L. Kensedder
              Assistant Manager

              Dear Mrs. Carmen,

                 Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give
me back my bath-size Dial.

              S. Berman

              Dear Mr. Berman,

                 You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I
had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

              Elaine Carmen
              Housekeeper

              Dear Mrs. Carmen,

              Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:

                 - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4
stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
                 - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 3.
                 - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
                 - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of
4.
                 - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4
and 1 stack of 2.
                 - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
                 - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet,
slightly used.
                 - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of
3.

                 Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

              S. Berman

I was on a three-week business trip one time and, naturally, took two bars of my favorite soap, Dove, with me - one for the sink and one for the tub. There were little bars of soap all over my room and more appeared each day. At work I was joking about my growing collection, so a colleague sent me a copy of this saga.

Since I had to push the growing stack of soap aside on the desk to set up my computer, I laughed so hard while reading it that I nearly hurt myself. It still makes me laugh, thank you!

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