Posted on 11/16/2001 1:13:50 PM PST by poindexter
A lovely nose ring--
excuse me while I put
my head in the oven.
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old mohel wanders
among his flowers.
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an
hour after my sandwich.
Tea ceremony--
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese danish.
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims
with great difficulty.
Lovely butterfly--
not long ago your name was
Caterpillarstein.
A cat steals into
the night just like my former
partner, that gonif.
Hey! Get back indoors.
Whatever you were doing
could put an eye out.
In the ice sculpture
reflected bar mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.
How soft the petals
of the floral arrangement
I have just stolen.
My nature journal--
today, I saw some trees and birds.
I should know the names?
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture at
my dinner table.
Beyond Valium
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.
Coroner's report--
"The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold."
The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
"Force yourself," she chirps.
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
Hava nagila,
hava nagila, hava--
enough already.
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast-feh.
Yenta. Schmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis.
Oy! To be fluent!
Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
Cherry blossoms bloom.
Sure, it's beatiful, but
is it good for the Jews?
Hard to tell under
the lights--white Yarmulke
or male-pattern baldness.
Wordsworth she isn't.
Hay fever strikes again
Chicken soup fizzles.
Leni
First some larnin' bout this here haiku (hi-coo) stuff. Ya gotta take 17 of these danged syllables an divid 'em inta 3 groups of 5, 7 and 5 syllables. Looky here:Haiku is easy 5
Counting syllables is hard 7
Must use both my hands 5
Git it? Well then, check 'em out:
THE LIFE
Big sack a pork rinds
Cooler full of cold longnecks
Can't get no better
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
TYPICAL
Gun rack in window
Deep mud is no worry cause
I got new tires
PIT STOP
Beer and ammo sign
Cheap smokes white gas and fresh bait
Life is good today
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again
SADNESS
My Ford pickup truck
Up on blocks so sad to see
Sold the tires for beer
NEW LOVE
Soft hair, round brown eyes
Pleading for me to take her
I think I love ewe
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
You are my cousin
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
On TV tonight
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants 'rassling doll
Mama whups his ass
MORE TYPICAL
Sittin on the dock
My eyes cross and I'm dizzy
I'm too drunk to fish
DINNER
Spatula in hand
I scrape the flatened possum
From the black highway
POLITICS
Vote like my Daddy
And his Daddy before him
Get the check later
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
HOME IMPROVEMENT
A new trailer skirt
But my envious neighbors
Pretend not to see
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
DISAPPOINTMENT
Bass boat outta gas
Got finned by a damned catfish
At least I've got beer
ANTICIPATION
Couch out on the lawn
Cousin Sue waiting on it
Hope she brought her teeth
POACHING
The spot finds a deer
The rifle cracks out sharply
The stewpot is full
SEX
Distant dog barking
Surprised neighbor's angry face
His goat is sexy
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
MEMORIAL
Think of my brother
Been dead since May; his final
words, Hey y'all watch this
MISFORTUNE
Truck in ditch again
Maybe Earl gots a wrecker
Long walk to beer store
PASSING
Number 3 is gone
Daytona's wall took him home
Let's root for the son
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
THA END
Cleaning the outhouse
My favorite thing to do
In the afternoon
I once read a great Haiku review of The Blair Witch project. It went something like this:
Scream, scream, scream, scream, scream
Scream, scream, F- you, F- you, scream
Then the movie ends.
You're a gem upchuck!
wanna go drinkin' wit' yuh
laughin my @ss off..
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