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Posted on 12/13/2001 6:22:12 AM PST by Stand Watch Listen

1. Hillary has a secret plan to whip the terrorists without hurting their feelings.

2. You'll find no Original Intent Worshipers here.

3. Hollywood's angst of whore doesn't weary us.

4. You'll never have to grow up.

5. If you're a charismatic spoiled brat with mean streak we'll make you president.

6. We've never demanded logic, and we're not going to start now.

7. We'll let you worship yourself and won't impose an outdated patriarch on you. (Can you imagine?!)

8. Our only commandment is that you not judge (us).

9. We'll show you how to dis (and sue) people who are better than you.

10. We honor all adulterous drunks who believe in a woman's right to choose.

11. We don't burden our women with unwanted tissue masses. (It's called compassion. Hello?!)

12. If you're a greedy, vindictive tramp we'll let you run for public office.

13. Can't we all just help Hillary save the planet?

14. We're as tired of this basic human decency crap as you are.

15. When you get to hell our PR staff will give you a certificate stating that you are not there and it's not hot.

16. We'll let you go on proclaiming that your in-your-face immaturity is artistic genius.

17. Childishness is, baby!

18. You can spend the rest of your life making fun of the grown-ups.

19. Last year a man in Ohio proved that Ken Starr was in league with the devil.

20. Not only will we feel your pain, we won't cut your taxes.

21. Next year when Hillary starts her Bright Person Self-Congratulation Society you'll be a charter member.

22. We'll let you have guilt-free sex with anyone who will hold still long enough.

23. We'll pay you reparations.

24. We stock all of our major offices with sex-starved interns of all persuasions.

25. The best entitlements are yet to come.

26. You won't have to spend your own money on anything.

27. We'll furnish your lies for you if the interns are keeping you too busy.

28. We won't make you vote for vouchers or send your kids to public schools.

29. Brother Bill had it carved in stone that oral sex isn't really sex. ( If you join us we'll show you the stone and let you kiss it.)

30. We'll teach you 57 ways you can work, "The fascists are killing me!" into your speeches and grand jury testimony.

31. You can contribute a chapter to our upcoming book, "What's Character Got To Do With It?"

32. We'll show you how to answer stupid questions like, "But what about the facts?"

33. We know all the good names to call people who tell you the truth.

34. We'll help you answer the hard questions like, "If G-d is a good G-d, then why do abortion providers have to put up with parental consent laws?"

35. Just try us for one election cycle, then if you're not completely satisfied you can go f**k yourself, no questions asked!

36. You'll sell your soul for nothing, but the New York Times will love you until the novelty wears off.

37. Your lusts are our virtues. (Yes!)

38. Aw, gee whiz, if we had known you just wanted what was right, we'd have sold it to you.

39. We'll stop calling you names.

40. Hillary still has those FBI files. (Hint, hint!)

41. For the children! Duh?!

42. You'll still be able to vote in Republican primaries.

43. Abortion, day care, and affirmative action made this country great, won't you help us keep all three? Please!

44. Like you we realize that equating anything we like to do with morality is immoral.

45. And, last but not least, if you're accused of rape Brother Bill will show you how to plead self-defense.

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