Skip to comments.

Posted on 12/14/2001 10:56:30 AM PST by sheltonmac

Reeducation in America: We're Way Beyond 1984

"Okay, kids, today we are going to start our new American History module. Many things have changed and I think we all need a little review on the subject. As you can see, the federal gov...I mean, Uncle Sam has sent us a new map of the United State of America so everything should be up-to-date. Before we begin, are there any questions? Yes, Jimmy, you had your hand up?"

"Mr. Thorpe..."

"Now, Jimmy, did I not inform you of how I prefer to be addressed even though the funding for Phase 2 of my gender reassignment surgery hasn't come through yet?"

"Sorry. Ms. Thorpe?"

"Thank you. Go ahead."

"What happened to all the different shapes and colors that used to be on the map? I can't tell by looking at it where we live anymore."

"Very observant of you, Jimmy. As you can see, class, there are no longer borders dividing this country into states. Five years ago, Uncle Sam decided that it would be much easier to lead the nation without all those states to worry about. Too often Uncle Sam would decide to do things one way and there would always be one or two states that would want to do things another way. This proved to be very confusing for people so Congress, or the Caretakers as they prefer to be called, decided to just eliminate states altogether. That way, we can all be part of one, big, happy family known as the United State of America. After a few years of extensive research, Uncle Sam came up with a completely new map. Does that answer your question Jimmy?"

"I guess so. Weren't some states unhappy that they were downsized?"

"'Downsized'? I'm impressed! We haven't even covered the D's in our vocabulary studies yet. Just be careful not to jump too far ahead of the rest of the class. It might make some of the other kids uncomfortable. But to answer your question, yes. There were some states that didn't want to go along with the plan. In fact, several of them even considered pulling away from our sacred Union and joining together to form their own country. Yes, yes I know! Isn't that the most bizarre thing you've ever heard? You kids laugh but it's the goddess's honest truth! Of course it was a ridiculous idea and once Uncle Sam sent in his Peacekeepers things quieted down in a hurry."

"My next-door neighbor had a cousin who was killed when he tried to fight off the Peacekeepers with a pitchfork. He said his cousin was only trying to defend his home and that he wished he'd been able to help. He said he had something called a 'gun,' I think, that he could've used to help fight off those 'jack-booted thugs.'"

"Mind your language, Jimmy! Hmmm. And what is your neighbor's name?"

"Frank Henderson."

"Henderson. Henderson. S-E-N or S-O-N?"

"S-O-N."

"And his phone number?"

"I don't know. Why? What are you writing in that notebook"

"Nothing. Very well. Let's move on. Uncle Sam resides in a city known as Washington. It's located right here... Yes, Jimmy?"

"Don't you mean Washington, D.C.?"

"No, I mean Washington. You see, back when there were states people got confused because there was also a state called Washington. You've heard of the professional football team the Washington Americans, haven't you? Well, many people assumed that..."

"You mean the Washington Redskins, right?"

"If you don't watch your language, young man, I will personally see to it that you don't get any simple carbohydrates during your ration break. All of you should know that the name of the team was changed three years ago because it was too offensive. At any rate, many people thought that the Washington Americans were from the state of Washington and not the city of Washington, D.C. Once all the borders were eliminated, there was no state of Washington so the Caretakers just decided to drop the 'D.C.' and call the national capital Washington. Okay, moving right along... What is it, Jimmy?"

"What did the 'D.C.' stand for?"

"You know, I'm really not quite sure. 'Das Capital' or something like that. But that really isn't important to what we're studying today. Anyway, Uncle Sam decided that things would run more efficiently if he were the only one making the important decisions. When states were in existence things were terrible. People were out of work, Mother Earth was being ravaged and plundered for her resources, and there was a huge gap between the rich and the poor."

"I know. My father..."

"Now, Jimmy, what did I just say about your language?"

"Sorry. My mother's help-mate used to have a job at a big bank. We used to have two cars, live in a big, two-story house with a basement, and travel to places like the Grand Canyon in the summertime."

"Jimmy, I think we all know that you are exaggerating, but go on. What does your mother's help-mate do now?"

"He works for Uncle Sam picking up garbage in the national parks around here."

"I think the proper term for what he does is 'landscape developer.' You should be proud he now has a job that actually contributes to the common good."

"He used to help people buy houses."

"Well, since Uncle Sam began providing everyone with a decent place to live for free that's hardly a necessary job, now is it? Let's move on."

"The house we had to move into has rats."

"Let's move on! Once the Caretakers passed the law that erased all state borders, Uncle Sam was able to set realistic standards that everyone in the country could live up to. Unemployment was eliminated. Dangerous substances like alcohol and tobacco were outlawed. With the banning of the internal combustion engine, our air is much cleaner and, since there are no fast-moving, gas-powered cars, our roads are much safer. We don't mind the longer commute because... What now, Jimmy?"

"When my mother and I were standing in line for bread last week, I saw a man with a cigarette sticking out of his shirt pocket."

"Are you sure? You know cigarettes are illegal and that it's your duty to report something like that to the police, right?"

"Well, I think it was a cigarette. I've only seen them in pictures before, never up close."

"Jimmy, can we get back to our history lesson please? Thank you. What I'm trying to say is that things have only improved under the direction of Uncle Sam. Everyone is truly equal. There are no rich classes or poor classes. We have even managed to break out of the restrictive gender roles created by our dominant, controlling, patriarchs who would constantly hound us and threaten us and say things that hurt our feelings like, 'Come on, you wimpy little freak, quit your crying! Be more of a man! It's only a Nerf ball, for Pete's sake! You're going to learn to throw a decent spiral if we have to stay out here all night!'"

"Um, Ms. Thorpe?"

"'This is all your mother's fault! I told her not to enroll you in those dance classes! Now stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about! You're a disgrace! A sorry excuse for a son! You might as well have been born a girl!'"

"Ms. Thorpe?"

"W-What? Oh, I'm...I'm sorry. I...I just need a moment... Now, where was I? Oh, yes. We are all free to live life as we see fit as long as we contribute to the common good of the state and don't interfere with what Uncle Sam has planned for us. That is why you are all here in school. Uncle Sam needs you to grow up to be good workers in the jobs you'll be assigned next year when you start the Fourth Grade. Oh, for the love of...! What now, Jimmy?!"

"My father says that Uncle Sam isn't even a real person."

"Okay, young man, that is it! I have had enough of your outbursts and inappropriate language! You march right down to the principal's office immediately! Oh, and be sure to give the officer there a complete description of that man you saw with the cigarette!"

"But..."

"Go! That's better. I'm so sorry you had to see that, class. Some kids are just born troublemakers. But don't worry. After a few weeks of shock...uh, psychotherapy we'll have the old Jimmy back. Well, that's enough history for one day. Take out your sex education books and turn to the chapter on fisting..."

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.