Coyote Vs. Acme.

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe,
Arizona
Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, Presiding Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-vs.-
Acme Company, Defendant

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, dueto a poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate prior to its release by Mr. Coyote.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr.Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues--a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law

Check this out, I ran a search to try to find the source of the piece and found this

In the United States District Court

Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona

The Honorable Homer Simpson, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, )
Plaintiff )
v. ) Case No. B19293
Acme Company, )
Defendant )
------------------

Opening Statement of Nicholas J. McSlick of Fairweather, Winters, and
Summers, Attorney for Acme Company:

The plaintiff, Coyote, has filed a lawsuit against, my client, the
Acme Company sounding in tort for products liability alleging that
Acme Co., was negligent, reckless, and placed products into the stream
of commerce through its mail order catalogues. Coyote also alleges
strict products liability, breach of warranty, breach of warranty of
merchantability, and that the products were not fit for their intended
use. Coyote seeks the outrageous sum of twenty one million seven
hundred fifty thousand dollars for general compensatory damages and
attorneys fees, and an additional seventeen million dollars in
punitive or exemplary damages alleging Acme acted in reckless
disregard for plaintiff's safety.

We shall prove and we shall show to your satisfaction that the
plaintiff cannot meet his burden of proof and that ACME Company made
its products as safe as possible in keeping with the state of the art
of technology when said products were placed into the stream of
commerce.

Moreover, the evidence will show that the plaintiff assumed known
risks associated with the use of the products he ordered; he also
failed to heed printed warnings; he intentionally misused said
products; and he made substantial charges to the design and character
of the products as to void all warranties and absolving Acme of all
civil liability.

Plaintiff, during many of his alleged injury incidents as mentioned in
his petition was also contributorily negligent and his negligence far
exceeded any negligence on the part of Acme Company.

Furthermore, we will show by a preponderance of the evidence that
plaintiff Coyote is a malingerer and a fraud and at no time has he
ever sustained any permanent injury whatsoever.

Although, Coyote represents himself as a self-employed-professional,
to wit: a predator, we will prove through films done by Warner Bros.
that Wile E. Coyote is a rich, playboy, cartoon star/actor. We will
view videotaped footage wherein the Coyote after suffering seemingly
horrendous, grotesque, debilitating and life threatening injuries, is
seen no more than 30 seconds later totally uninjured and unscathed.

We had Mr. Coyote examined by an independent medical doctor, one Dr.
S. Brandon Quackmeister, who will testify that none of the plaintiff's
claimed injuries are permanent. Coyote has not had any residual pain
symptoms since that alleged incidents.

In truth and in fact, ladies and gentlemen, the claims of the
plaintiff Mr. Wile E. Coyote are nothing more than wishful thinking
and, in brief, figments of his imagination.

Let's look at the cold, hard evidence, ladies and gentlemen. Coyote
claims 85 separate occasions Acme products have caused him injury.
His proof of defects is nothing more than sales slips from Acme. He
offers no expert testimony in this regard. He cannot produce a
physical engineer to cite one defect in Acme's products.

He cites in particular the December 13 incident. He does not mention
the fact that this happened over 25 years ago--well past the
applicable statute of limitations. He failed to assemble the sled
properly. The exploded view assembly instructions show the torque
values for all bolts in connection with the assembly of the sled. The
instructions and boldface red warnings on the instructions clearly
state: FAILURE TO TIGHTEN ALL BOLTS TO THE EXACT TORQUE VALUES MAY
RESULT IN STEERING SYSTEM DIFFICULTY OR WHOLESALE FAILURE OF THE
ENTIRE SYSTEM WHICH MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS BODILY INJURY OR DEATH. DO
NOT ATTEMPT TO USE A BOX WRENCH ON THE STEERING SYSTEM BOLTS. Then in
the fine print under the tools needed section it states, ACME TORQUE
WRENCH MODEL #22100 or SEARS CRAFTSMAN MODEL DIAL OR CLICK TYPE.

Post-crash examination of the sled remains reveal, that none of the
bolts had the proper torque value and further that Coyote lost
original parts and used his own replacement parts of the improper
hardness which resulted in metal fatigue at various stress points,
causing steering system failure. His negligence exceeded any
negligence on the part of Acme which Acme specifically denies.

Despite the rocket sled incident and the claimed injuries, Coyote was
seen 30 seconds later on the rocket skates which were purchased on the
very same date as the rocket sled. (See receipts in court file.)

As for the incident with the skates, Coyote assumed a known risk
attempting to pilot the skates while wearing plaster casts. Any
reasonable person would know that it would be impossible to maintain
one's balance so encumbered--Coyote assumed the risk.

In response to Coyote's claims of wrongdoing on the part of ACME with
respect to "mishaps with explosives" on occasions too numerous to
list, again, Coyote failed to heed warnings and falsified documents in
purchasing said explosives.

The mail order form which accompanies the Explosive Catalog clearly
states: IN ORDER TO PURCHASE EXPLOSIVES FROM ACME YOU MUST HAVE A
FEDERAL CLASS B EXPLOSIVE LICENSE AND ATTACH A FULL COPY TOGETHER WITH
THE DRIVER'S LICENSE OF YOUR STATE OF RESIDENCE.

The warnings also shipped with the mail order forms with respect to
explosives state without equivocation: ACME CLASS B EXPLOSIVE ARE
INHERENTLY DANGEROUS. THEY SHOULD ONLY BE USE BY TRAINED PERSONNEL.
THEY SHOULD NEVER BE DETONATED OF IGNITED NEAR PEOPLE OR ANIMALS
(EMPHASIS ADDED). THE MANUFACTURER DISCLAIMS ALL CIVIL LIABILITY IN
CONNECTION WITH IMPROPER, UNINTENDED OR ILLEGAL USE OF EXPLOSIVE
DEVICES.

Also, in boldface, red type it states: FAILURE TO STORE "LITTLE
GIANT" FIRECRACKER, SELF-GUIDED AERIAL BOMB AND OTHER EXPLOSIVES IN AN
ADEQUATE MAGAZINE OR OTHER COOL, DRY AIR SPACE WILL RESULT IN THEIR
DETERIORATION AND BREAKDOWN OF CHEMICAL PROPERTIES MAKING THEM
EXTREMELY VOLATILE. FAILURE TO HEED THIS WARNING MAY RESULT IN
SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH.

First of all, Coyote procured all the devices with a falsified Class B
explosives license. In short, he made illegal purchases.

Secondly, it was the plaintiff's habit or routine practice to
haphazardly store the explosives in the open air--In Arizona, where
the Court could take judicial notice of the fact that daytime
temperatures exceed 100 F. These explosives became volatile as
warned and hence often exploding prematurely . Furthermore, pursuit
of his chosen prey with explosives was clearly excessive. Perhaps, he
could have purchased the ACME HAVE-A-HEART-LIVE-TRAP MODEL T-001-216
which sells for a mere $29.95. Instead, he recklessly disobeyed clear
warnings to his own detriment.

As far the Spring-Powered Shoes incident, Defendant admits that, in
having experts review film footage of Coyote's usage, the experts
cannot explain why the shoes did not propel him in the proper
direction except that Plaintiff did not have adequate experience with
the shoes before attempting to use them near rock formations.

Furthermore, Coyote once again made alterations to the product,
affixing them to a boulder, in contravention of the clear warning on
the brochure included with his purchase, to wit: WARNING! SEVERE
RECOIL. THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR PERSONAL PROPULSION ONLY. ATTACH
ACME SPRING-POWERED SHOES ONLY TO FEET, AS DESCRIBED IN THE OWNER'S
MANUAL, PAGE 3, PARAGRAPH (a)(2). FAILURE TO FOLLOW OPERATING
INSTRUCTIONS MAY RESULT IN SEVERE PERSONAL INJURY.

Any injuries Mr. Coyote sustained are as a result of his negligent
failure to follow the warnings and instructions provided. In any
event Coyote sustained no permanent injury therefrom.

And in the final analysis, ladies and gentleman, as you are all
probably aware and will see in the films, the Coyote has failed to
heed the most important warning in fine print at the bottom of every
brochure packed with Acme Products: THIS PRODUCT IS NOT EFFECTIVE ON
ROAD RUNNER!

What is the Coyote's chosen prey during all these alleged incidents?
Yes. THE ROAD RUNNER. I rest my case ladies and gentlemen.

You must find for my client and bring back the only possible verdict
in this case. A verdict for the ACME COMPANY.

Finally, I would respectfully ask the Court to dismiss Mr. Coyote's
claim for punitive damages. Coyote claims that Acme Company has a
"virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by [his]
work." This is no more than another case of wishful thinking on Mr.
Coyote's part. Similar products are manufactured and sold through the
mail by companies such as Apex Corporation, Zenith Manufacturing, and
Perfect Predator Products, Inc. One can only assume that Mr. Coyote's
loyalty to Acme Company is the result of his satisfaction with the
quality of the products and service provided by Acme over the years.
It is that same quality that has made Acme the largest retailer of
predator related products in the US.

The occupation of predator is high risk profession, and a large
percentage of such businesses fail each year. Mr. Coyote does not
wish to be compensated for any alleged negligence of Acme Company.
Instead, he seeks to be rewarded for his own negligence and
ineptitude.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR, AND THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

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