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A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally...

United States authorities said today they had suspended a US immigration judge after a newspaper reported he referred to himself as Tarzan during court proceedings for an African political asylum seeker named Jane. The Boston Herald reported that at the start of the proceedings in June, US Immigration Judge Thomas Ragno told the woman: "Jane, come here. Me Tarzan." Ragno, who presides over an immigration court in Boston, then "laughed and talked about how funny the Tarzan cartoons were", the Herald said, quoting an affidavit signed by Jane's doctor. The Executive Office for Immigration Review, a division of the US...

A plane carrying news anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and a Navy SEAL crashed in the jungle. After burying the pilot who was killed in the crash, the group hiked through the jungle trying to find civilization. Suddenly, they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the cannibal's village, and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?" Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd...

I need to take a break from FreeRepublic for a while. My heart and my head are not right, and I won't solve the issues here, nor will I inflict my own neuroses on y'all. Its been real, its been fun. Thanks for a wonderful experience.

Sorry about the vanity Jim R., but some explanation is in order. I found out today that my company is laying me off after over 9 years. They didn't have the guts to tell me themselves, deciding instead to use the expedient method of a telephone call/message. My last day is on Thursday, the day when I return from what has been the most wonderful vacation of my entire life. And once again, when it comes to the working world I've occupied since I was old enough to hold a Social Security number, I have been weighed, measured, and found...

There's only so many times you can listen to Forever in Blue Jeans, Song Sung Blue and September Morn before you lose your mind. That's what happened to Panthers Associate Equipment Manager Scott Tinkler on the morning of Feb. 21 at the Spectrum in Philadelphia. Maybe having heard one too many Neil Diamond songs, Tinkler was at his wit's end with the Panthers' wretched CD collection. It only boiled over when the Flyers' equipment assistant started making fun of it ...

I don't normally shill for Ebay, but here's an offer that all Freepers should be interested in.

You know, this is stupid. As a country and as a people, the United States has invested a considerable amount of national and human capital in the last 20 years in a valiant attempt to corral the depredations of one little tinpot dictator. This mustachioed little man, not content with oppressing and torturing his own citizens, has tried on many occasions to subjugate his neighbors and generally terrorize the entire region. Having admitted that Saddam Hussein is indeed a very very bad man who would get a bullet between the eyes (or a Black and Decker drill through his back...

Is life too short to learn PGP? Want just enough encryption to pass unbreakable mash notes in class that look like gibberish to anyone except you and your significant other? Is that what you're after, bunky? Then click on http://www.cipher-encryption.com/text-encryption.html To encrypt a message, type in any passcode you want. Then type in your message and click on Encrypt. Then send the passcode and copy/paste the encrypted garbage you see in an email to somebody else. To decrypt the message, copy/paste the encrypted text into the Message: block (make sure there are NO extra spaces), enter the passcode, then click...

Lock up your daughters! Here's some performers getting their start in the biz.

(KRT) - Some 6 million people called late-night TV psychic Miss Cleo, and the companies that operated her hot line are swamped with civil fraud complaints. Now, for the first time, the companies are facing criminal charges.The St. Louis Post-Dispatch has learned that a grand jury in St. Charles County, Mo., returned a suppressed indictment Sept. 13 charging the companies and their two principal owners with criminal fraud.If found guilty, the owners could face a maximum of 10 years in prison and fines of $10,000, in addition to $20,000 in fines for their companies.Indicted are Steven L. Feder, 52, and...

(Fair use excerpted) College Station (WBAP) -- Three Aggies injured in the bonfire collapse have been sued by a crane operator who accuses them of not alerting others to dangers at the construction site. Couch's attorney contends in a third-party lawsuit that A&M students John Comstock, Matthew Robbins and Dominic Braus are partly responsible for the collapse. Couch's attorney, Jim Cowles of Dallas, says his lawsuit is a way to ensure all Bonfire-related litigation is transferred to Brazos County.

The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Alabama Special Forces). Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban: 1. There is no limit.2. The season opened last weekend.3. They taste just like chicken.4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.5. Some are queer.6. They don't like barbecue. Finally and maybe most importantly...7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death. The Defense Department estimates it should be over in about two days.

Updated on 25 August 2002 The Real Nature of Politics and Politicians (Matt Lewis) The purpose of this segment was how to more successfully present our issues to voters and to the media -- whatever the issue might be. Political technology consists of: - Organization (of Time, Talent, and Treasure) - Communicating Matt Lewis provided some insight on how communication works depending on the type of campaign you have selected to prosecute. He stated that to run a volunteer campaign, ringing doorbells, etc. takes almost the same amount of time as that you would use to hire a consultant and...

James Oberg posted the following in several Usenet newsgroups. I've embarked on the definitive writing project to examine why all these arguments (that there were no moon landings; ed.) are either merely ignorant, or deliberately deceptive, with the hard data and examples to prove it. I'm collecting good websites and good explanations posted on discussion groups, and all contributions will be appreciated. The monograph should be published in late 2003 and will be THE authoritative refutation of this nonsense -- thanks to the help I've already gotten, and will be getting. Jim Oberg jamesoberg.com

About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the BIGGEST skyrocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight carrier. I located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this mondo skyrocket - biggest thing I had ever seen - called a SkyDragon. These things are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a 1/2-inch wooden dowel. Pure aerospace engineering. I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two cases of these things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago and I had to drive the van over...

I'm thinking about getting a new laptop. My current one has served faithfully for many years, but I've maxed it out and it just can't keep up any more. My new box needs: - to be pretty rugged (I'm not very kind to my equipment but I don't abuse it) - to be able to run Word/Windows/Forte Agent/PowerPoint/Mozilla efficiently. I've got nothing against Macs, but I know these programs and use them every day. - at least 256M SDRAM - DVD and CD-RW capability - one or more USB ports - a high-capacity lithium ion battery, preferably with a way...

Sperm donor shortage alarms 12 May 2002 By ROBYN MCLEAN An increasing number of lesbians want children, but sperm donors are unwilling to donate to same-sex couples. Apart from lengthy waits for couples wanting sperm, there are also fears New Zealand's small donor pool many have dangerous consequences. Many children of same-sex couples socialise with each other as they grow up, raising the possibility that as adults, some may enter relationships not realising they share the same father. Doctor Liz Harding admits the issue raises fears among lesbian mothers and hopes more sperm donors will come forward to reduce the...

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject. b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone. c. Ruger: The original point-and-click interface. d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control. e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords? f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words. g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms. h. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any. i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. j. The United States Constitution...

The Binch By: Rob Suggs Date: September 13, 2001 Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot, But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not. The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way! Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say, It could be his turban was screwed on too tight. Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But, whatever the reason, his heart or his turban, He stood facing ...