Free Republic

LAS VEGAS, NV—Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg took quite a beating in last night's debate and was rushed to a nearby Las Vegas hospital. Of course, a normal-sized hospital and normal-sized ambulance are far too large for the miniature billionaire, so he was rushed to a very tiny hospital in a very tiny ambulance. Bloomberg was quickly wheeled out to a Hot Wheels ambulance on a cute little stretcher where he was then driven to The Las Vegas Center For People Who Need Medical Attention And Want To Get Some Emergency Care Too, which is small enough to be a "hospital...

DES MOINES, IA—The FCC announced today that the next Democratic debate will not require viewers to use a color television. The decision was made in part due to the fact that all the remaining candidates are white. The FCC cites several other reasons for the change, however. The FCC reminded everyone in a statement that the only color you'll need to make out the candidates' skin color is white. “Listen, we didn’t want to leave anybody out,” said FCC employee Steven Penta. “Over one percent of American’s live without color TV, and that makes those folks a minority. We didn’t...

TEHRAN—As Iranians protested their government's downing of a passenger jet, a frantic CNN reporter ran through the crowd lecturing them on how they were actually supposed to be shouting "Death to America!" The CNN reporter arrived at the protests, excited to cover another anti-US protest but quickly realized they were actually shouting "Death to the dictator!" and blaming their government for shooting down the plane. "Guys, you're ruining the narrative!" he cried through a megaphone. "We can't run with this! You're willing to assign blame to Iran more readily than the media and the Democrats were! This isn't good for...