Free Republic

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — History has again repeated itself as communism once again devolved into mass starvation. The commies at Columbia University lasted less than twelve hours before running out of food and pleading for humanitarian aid, setting a new record for the collapse of communist food supply. "Okay, time-out on the intifada revolution, we're out of pizza rolls," said Tara Gentry-Smith, protest organizer and self-proclaimed commie. "I'm going to go see if the people we just assaulted will send us some DoorDash. Ugh, why are we always running out of food?" Communist protestors had barricaded themselves in buildings over the...

U.S. — As struggling American citizens finished filing their taxes this week, many expressed hope that their small contributions will be instrumental in getting the national debt down to a much more manageable $34 trillion. "We know this national debt is a real problem, and we're just happy we can help out," said one couple who just spent the money they were saving for a car to pay an unexpectedly high tax bill for 2023. "We know the government is doing everything it can to use our money wisely and address the debt issue. That really makes the pain of...

With the nation still in shock over the latest in an ongoing string of violence resulting in Americans being killed by illegal immigrants, Democrats warned that migrants committing murder could result in more people referring to them by the wrong term. Following the murder of Georgia nursing student Laken Riley, leading Democrats expressed apprehension that such unconscionable acts may lead to an increased risk of people cruelly calling the perpetrators "illegal." "This is of grave concern to us," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "With more and more Americans being murdered by migrants, there is a genuine threat of something...

NEW YORK, NY — Officials with the United Nations are condemning the Israeli attack on Rafah to rescue two hostages, warning that such attacks could lead to even more hostages being rescued. "These atrocious and inhumane rescue missions cannot be allowed to continue," said Palestinian Ambassador Riyad Mansour. "With every flagrant incursion into Gaza to rescue hostages, Israel violates our human right to kidnap, rape, torture, and imprison Jews, who I might add are being treated very well by our noble Hamas freedom fighters." Experts further warned that if Israel continues to rescue hostages, Gaza will lose all the leverage...

U.S. — According to sources, the nation still has a faint, distant memory of some obscure rule where the President couldn't just declare war whenever he wanted on anyone he wanted. "Yeah, I feel like that was a thing," said one local woman to reporters. "It was, like, in some sort of document they wrote that had rules in it. I'm pretty sure it said the President can't unilaterally dictate that the nation is going to war, right? What was that rule called?" "Ugh, I can't remember." Political experts point to Article I, Section 8, Clause 11 of the U.S....