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U.S. Constitution
Article 1. The Congress Shall:
Construct a thermostat to control the temperature of planet earth;

Every hour, adjust that thermostat;

Set the maximum level of the oceans;

Set the miles per Kilowatt;

Set the rotational speed of the planet earth;

Set the size of The Ozone Hole;

Plug every methane gas leak on the planet earth;

Ban animal flatulence (cow farts, but also "for other purposes");

Set the size of glacers;

Include bears, wolves, multiple personalities, and reflections in the census.