Posted on 02/03/2014 6:29:31 AM PST by mononymous
The following is mostly satire!
President Obama presented his state of the union speech to a joint session of Congress. The speech was widely criticized from both the left and right almost immediately after it was delivered. However, there was almost unanimous agreement that the President could have made his case on the issues stronger by employing the Mandela funeral sign language interpreter.
The SOTU speech was used to address a key issue for the President and his party, “income inequality.” On this topic, he said, “An individual’s talent means nothing; just ask my union supporters. If my friends in the NBA were paid the same, the games they play would be just as good. If my friends in Hollywood were paid the same, you and they won’t notice the difference. This unrecognized fact has been a key reason for socialism’s failure!”
Because the Social Security program has been such a massive success and because the federal government has managed the money it confiscates so well, the President in his SOTU speech also proposed a new retirement scheme which is to be titled, “myRA.” In the wake of all the missed nuances from the Obamacare marketing debacle, the President’s aides issued a statement immediately following the speech in which they made it clear that “myRA” means “my Raid-able Account.”
Iranian Leader Khamenei said that John Kerry: the “Wealthy American Statesman” Should Be “Punched in the Mouth and Crushed.” The Iranians quickly corrected this statement, however, pointing out that the Leader meant, “American States man” or “man from the American States” because, “by Allah,” no one could actually confuse John F’n Kerry with a true “statesman.” There has been no confirmed beheadings over this mix up.
Forty year House veteran Henry Waxman announced this week that he will not seek re-election for another term. In his announcement, Rep. Waxman disclosed that he suffers from “Olfactory fatigue” as a result of the many decades of sticking his nose into the affairs of the American people. The Congressman says he has not decided on whether he’ll take a position as a wine taster with a CA winery in an effort to “reverse” the nasal damage. In a related item, Sandra Fluke, whose name is a well-established euphemism for the f-word and whose face is now nationally known as the co-ed seeking taxpayer subsidized contraceptives, announced that she is considering running to replace the retiring congressman. Unfortunately, there is no prophylactic that can protect Americans from the intercourse she’d have with us if she has a successful run.
Amanda Knox has been found guilty of murder in an Italian court, again. This is after she was found guilty, then not guilty in two previous trials. In a news release from prosecutors, the Italians pointed out that they have been studying the modus operandi of the US Democrat party in close elections in which they demand recounts of votes until a favorable outcome is achieved.
Comedian Jon Stewart continued the left’s war on women by attacking former Speaker Nancy Pelosi when she appeared on his show this week. Under repeated questioning about the failed rollout of Obamacare’s website, Rep. Pelosi was forced to admit that she “didn’t know” why it occurred. A frustrated Mr. Stewart concluded the interview by saying, “I thought you were feigning it but I now believe you really are ignorant!”
California, world renowned as the land of “fruits and nuts,” has upped the ante in a high stakes game with the federal government to see which entity will enroll in Obamacare the highest risk pool of homosexual men. A spokesman for Gov. Jerry Brown, addressing the controversy surrounding the use of over a million dollars in a promotional campaign for the law explained, “After we saw the fed’s pajama boy, we decided to raise Richard Simmons! How else could we reach these men who, by their lifestyle, have essentially formed their own death panels? ONLY the government is allowed to have death panels!”
This has been NewsReal for the week ending February, 1st, 2014. And yes, the media remain a bunch of slaves, sycophants and scum.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.