California’s Brave New World [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

While the most of the country has voted to veer away from the transformation of America spearheaded by President Obama, California has vowed to stay the course, at least on the environmental front.

In terms of air quality, the state has enacted new regulations to limit how much methane gas cows are allowed to emit while farting. California Air Resources Board science adviser Ryan McCarthy called the attempt “truly ambitious. No one really knows how we’re going to get this done. The State Assembly deserves credit for taking on a task that may well be impossible.”

“The obvious first response would be to change the cows’ diet to something less gassy,” McCarthy said. “But cows are evolved and have been bred to eat a high-fiber diet that may be inextricably linked to gassy emissions. Whether it is feasible in an economic or biological sense to shift them to different foods is unknown. Yogurt is a food that may help reduce gas, but trying to feed cows yogurt would create a circular conundrum. Clearly, we face a mountain of challenges if we are to achieve our objective.”

“A second response would be to design a system of capturing the emissions before they enter the air,” McCarthy added. “Attaining an effective seal strikes me as a major difficulty, as would separating out the solids from the gases. If we can recover the methane it could be used to power electric generators. This could offset some of the cost of the program.”

Meanwhile, judicial authorities in San Francisco have voided the City’s law against excreting in the streets. Judge John Stewart declared that “the ordinance against this is basically unenforceable. The penalty is a fine that the indigents living on the streets can’t afford to pay. It is also discriminatory against the homeless. Just because a person can’t afford rent doesn’t mean his bodily needs are negated. Until such a time that the City provides free housing with toilets for every resident it must endure public evacuation of the bladders and bowels of the less fortunate.”

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

https://azconservative.org/2016/12/03/senator-desperate-to-pass-lame-duck-bills/

[wildbill]

Buy stock in Beano and support legislation to require bio-chemical anti-flatulence supplements in feed for cows.]

[AZLiberty]

I’ve just invented the Cow Fart Igniter. It attaches to the rear end of the cow so that every time it farts, a spark ignites the fart, transforming it from methane to the lesser greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide.

[sodpoodle]

Very excellent satire John. These last few months/weeks have been so exhausting - it has been hard to separate snide from satire, but you do an outstanding service.

Thanks again,
sod