[Mr. K]

wise advice

[yarddog]

I saw this list around 15 years ago.

It is funny and also wise.

[Jamestown1630]

Good advisors must be easier come by than good messengers...

[outofsalt]

Inconceivable!

[TADSLOS]

101.

[dfwgator]

1) Get rid of the Designated Hitter.

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.

[BlueLancer]

85) I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

Push the button, Max!

[BitWielder1]

2) My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

I've always wondered about that.
I've also always wondered how is it possible for old ventilation ducts to not have a single speck of dust in them.

[central_va]

I always liked this one:

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi IF…

• You’ve ever said, "May the force be with y’all."
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored.
• Even though you had to kill him, you thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• Jawas come to you for used parts.
• Last Christmas you bought a friend a hanging air freshener for his X-Wing.
• Parts of a TIE fighter you once blew up hang in your living room as trophies.
• People mistake your house for a Jawa, used droids, and speeder parts dealership.
• Stealing Imperial shuttles is a family outing.
• The doors of your X-wing are welded shut and so you climb in through the window.
• The front of your landspeeder has bantha horns.
• The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba’s Gamorean guards.
• You can describe the taste of Ewok.
• You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
• You consider a peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
• You ever fell in love with your sister.
• You find no grammatical errors or syntax problems with the way Yoda talks.
• You have at least one droid held together with baling wire and/or duct tape.
• You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to repair your landspeeder.
• You have ever used The Force in conjunction with a bowling or spitting contest.
• You have ever used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
• You have the words “Foxy Lady” painted on your landspeeder.
• You inherited a Styrofoam cooler and a tackle box along with your light saber.
• You know that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
• You own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
• You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel than that sissy vest.
• You use the “O” on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
• You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
• You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
• You’re flying a ship with no original parts.
• You’ve ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
• You’ve ever fantasized about Princess Leah in Daisy Duke shorts.
• You’ve ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• You’ve ever used The Force to give someone a wedgie.
• You’ve ever used your R-2 unit’s self-defense electroshock thingy to light your barbecue grill.
• You’ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger’s Canyon on your mantle.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son. Come on over to the dark side! It’ll be a hoot."
• Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millennium Falcon.
• Your Jedi master ever said “My finger you will pull.... hmmmmmm?”
• Your landspeeder has a blaster rack in the back.
• Your landspeeder is painted with a Confederate flag.
• Your wedding cake was sliced with a light saber. You've been on a blind date arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
• You've called the Emperor “That old ugly dude in the house coat.”
• You've had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
• You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to light your barbecue grill.
• You've used your light saber to clean your teeth, clean fish, or open a beer bottle.
• You've lost a hand in a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

[InABunkerUnderSF]

50) My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

The special operating system is called Goobuntu.

[Sergio]

bkmk

[Hugin]

Oldie but a goodie. My favorite,

“56) My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.”

[Brooklyn Attitude]

101- I will not publish a list of things I will or will not do when carrying out my evil plans.

[Two Kids' Dad]

Good stuff!

[CaliforniaCraftBeer]

[Kommodor]

99) Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size to fit on a disk.

Methinks the list is showing it’s age...

(That, and it should be so it doesn’t fit on a disk. As if those were even a thing anymore...)