Posted on 08/02/2018 7:31:30 AM PDT by ProtectOurFreedom
Groans
LOL...just sent to my son who I sent a fire fighter cadet. He’s too young for blonde jokes, though.
I’m gonna retell that one! LOL!
A penguin is driving through the midwest when he has car trouble. The penguin stops at a mechanic shop in a small town.
The mechanic tells the penguin that it will take about 15 minutes to figure out what’s wrong.
To pass the time the penguin goes across the street to get an ice cream. The penguin really enjoys the ice cream and after 15 minutes, leaves the shop with most of the ice cream smeared on his beak.
As the penguin walks into the mechanic shop, the mechanic come out from under the hood, looks at the penguin and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
To which the penguin replies, “No...that’s just ice cream.”
Ha! I just sent it to my son who is a firefighter! LOL
Groan!
Love the video of that one with the monkeys in the bar telling it
From the greatest of the one-liners....
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.”
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I can picture Rodney Dangerfield telling each one of these!
Yup, the monkey laughing after the punchline gets you laughing more than the joke.
A 72 year old widower was sitting at the bar nursing a beer. A gorgeous, well-built 20-something female walks in and sits down a few seats away. He can’t stop staring at her. She notices and walks over to sit next two him. She leans forward exposing impressive cleavage and says “You can have anything you want, no matter what, for $100 but there’s one condition.” He whips out two fifty dollar bills and lays them on the bar.
“What’s the condition?”
“Your request can only be three words.”
“OK. Paint my house.”
Another from Rodney Dangerfield.
I remember when my dad taught me to swim...that sack was so dark...and those kittens kept scratching at me.
Then the bartender screamed, “A talking gorilla!”
Then the bartender screamed, “A talking gorilla!”
LOLOL!
$9.50 for a premium whiskey drink is not unusual in this neck of the woods. Update the numbers on the joke to $20 and a buck change.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer. The landlord looks at him and says, “You’re a duck!”
“Your eyes work”, replies the duck, wryly.
“And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.
“And your ears”, says the duck. “Now can I have my beer?”.
“Certainly”, says the landlord, “sorry about that... it’s just we don’t get many ducks in here. What are you doing round this way?”.
“I’m working on the building site across the road”, explains the duck.
The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his bee and leaves.
The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, “You’re with the circus aren’t you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!”.
“Sounds marvelous”, says the owner, “get him to give me a call”.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
“Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!”.
“Yeah?”, says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”.
“At the circus”, says the landlord.
“The circus?”, the duck inquires, a bit bemused.
“That’s right”, replies the landlord.
“What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?”, asks the duck.
“That’s right!”, says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. “Why would they want a plasterer?”
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