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Dear Northerner,

We Southerners are a friendly bunch, but you haven’t “felt the love,” right? Following are a few suggestions and tips so as not to annoy the #&%% out of everyone around you.

1) You will be asked your denomination and which church you attend. This indicates your level of sanctification and your definition of “sin.” Expect a Baptist friend to say a blessin’ before every meal and ask you to make liquor store runs for her. A Catholic friend will invite you to bingo and wine tasting at Our Lady of Perpetual Fun.
2) Just because we say “fixin’ to” and “ain’t,” don’t talk to us as if we’re morons. This calls for permanent expulsion, and we’ll also make you leave.
3) Don’t expect to get knee-crawling, commode-hugging drunk at weddings or funerals.
4) In the South, God doesn’t have a last name.
5) Expect to hear an accused murderer on the news claiming, “He needed killin.’”
6) This is the Bible Belt, therefore thou shalt not uttereth blasphemy about any SEC team. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
7) Do not try to understand country music. You haven’t helped your Mamaw shell peas, been to a revival, or had your picture taken holding up a giant bullfrog. If you haven’t done all of these things, your Southern ancestry is questioned.
8) Beware: At a shooting range, don’t be surprised if the deadly accurate Navy Seal sniper beside you is a Southerner — of the little girl variety. And by the by, estrogen and guns are not a good combo.
9) Hunting is a religion, started by Pastor Smith and Brother Wesson.
10) Be aware: “Bless your heart” could mean, “You poor thang,” or “You poor thang, you don’t know your hiney from a hole in the ground.” But it can also mean, “You’ve been blasted in the most despicably Southern manner and you don’t even know it, darlin.’”
11) “Gimme some sugar,” doesn’t mean the white granular stuff.
12) Since we’re not as rude . . . um, straightforward as Northerners in our communication techniques, be aware we WILL talk about you behind your back.
13) There will be 100 times more bugs and animals in your back yard than in, say, Indiana.
14) DO NOT constantly complain about our lack of Jewish delis and Italian pizzerias. Quit griping, spend your money, and go back home to shovel your driveway.
15) We take Sundays being a day of rest seriously around here, except when we go “fellowship” at Piccadilly after church where heathens serve us up a meat and two sides.
16) Finally, if you decide to have kids here, they will NOT be considered Southern. As they say, “If a cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.”

Bless your heart,
Your Southern neighbor