Posted on 02/05/2023 5:29:33 AM PST by Hieronymus
Babylon Mom: How I Created a Peaceful Family Environment By Just Giving All My Kids iPads FAMILY · Feb 4, 2023 · BabylonBee.com Article Image Hey everyone, sorry it's been a while since I've updated this blog. It's just been crazy around here!
If your kids are anything like mine, having a peaceful evening around the table is like trying to enjoy a marching band filled with rabid hyenas. Hear me when I tell you this: it's not your fault. Children are simply unstable. They are not okay! Just today, my 4-year-old threw the most epic tantrum because the banana she asked for came already peeled. These people are unhinged. It is not your imagination that your toddler needs to spend some hard time in juvie.
Blessedly, there is one incredible, 100% effective trick to effortlessly creating a peaceful home. Just give every child his or her own iPad! Ladies, I have witnessed literal miracles once I finally took the plunge and gifted all my progeny their own personal tablet. I only regret I didn't give my children their own iPads sooner!
Now, my husband and I can share an actual conversation and a bottle of merlot over dinner while our children are reduced to zombie-like statues who don't even blink. It is seriously so tranquil. I can say my toddler's name 20 times in a row, and he won't hear me. Finally, I can be left alone! And we deserve that!
The best part is that iPads work in any scenario. Need to get some housework done? iPad. Need to keep everyone contained at a restaurant? iPad. It's best for them to have iPad access in their bedrooms, in the car, at the kitchen table…basically anywhere they might try to interact with you. Put one in your baby's crib. Don't wait. You will be so glad you did. There is nothing more rewarding than co-parenting with Apple. If I could make Steve Jobs the godfather of all my children, I would. That alluring, bald, bespectacled man. Mmmmm. Sorry, tangent.
Ladies, no parenting book will prevent little Julie from assaulting Zachary with a homemade shiv assembled of Melissa and Doug odds-and-ends over having the back row of the minivan all to herself. You know what can? Screens! I truly believe you can achieve the same peaceful family environment that I've experienced if you will fully commit to a home full of iPads, chargers, and perhaps some AirPods so you don't have to actually hear what your children are listening to.
Going forward, you won't have to waste any more money on toys, sports, or piano lessons because your kids will lose all interest in anything that doesn't give them unearned, systematic hits of dopamine time and time again. It's a delightful win for everyone. So, carry on friends! May we be the parents who bring up the most tolerable, silent generation the world has ever seen!
Thought you might like this.
Alas! Babylon
A light-hearted ping?
The Bee once again crosses over from satire into true reality.
Not uncommon to be at a red light only to look over and see a mom on her cell phone with a car full of kids that are all wearing earbuds and looking down at an electronic device.
It’s no wonder today’s youth struggle to communicate in traditional ways.
Loved it! But, this worked for me:
The ex wired all of our computers together throughout the house; this was well before the days of laptops and iPads.
As a family, we played first-person shooter games. And we could also keep an eye on what any of them were up to at any given moment; it sucks when both parents work in IT. ;)
And, amazingly, none of the boys turned out to be snipers...usually because I kicked their butts on a regular basis playing ‘Doom’ or ‘Blood.’ We also had lots of real-life range time together and hosted a Trap Shoot (clay pigeons) at our farm every fall, once the crops were in.
Worked for me, Babylon Mom! Can’t hurt, might help! :)
The modern day “boob tube.”
Sounds like good parenting: if you can’t keep kids off the internet and video games, at least join in with them so you can monitor what they’re up to.
My nephew was too young to watch “Doom,” so you should have seen us scramble to hide the screen every time he wandered into the room. Good times!
This is totally different from the satire of BB. Your plan was like an interactive version of Monopoly. Everybody interacted or died out of the game.
Good on you. You got to know your kids and your kids were awakened to the fact that Mom is a sneaky byatch who has eyes everywhere and shoots folk in the back. That was a valuable life lesson.
LOL! Never mess with Mama Bear. ;)
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