I subscribe to the Willie Nelson school of tax filing.
EVERYTHING is a deduction.
AL Peg, I’m gonna be audited!
PEGGY Very nice. I just spent three hours in the beauty parlor, and all you can say is “I’m being audited”.
PEGGY Why do I bother.
KELLY What’s “audited”?
BUD Well, basically, it’s where they take everything you own and throw you in jail.
KELLY But just Dad, right?
BUD Yeah.
KELLY Then to hell with it.
AL Peg, get our tax records, ‘cause I’m suing the moron that bungled our taxes.
PEGGY Oh. [chuckles] Well gee, that would be me. Oh now don’t get that look on your face. It’s a good thing I did the taxes. You see, I had this idea: if claiming two children as dependants gets you $200, imagine what 23 kids would be worth!
AL The gas chamber?
KELLY Dibs on his car!
BUD I want it! I always said I could have it!
KELLY No, it’s mine!
BUD Mine!
AL Uh, kids! Don’t fight. There’ll be cars for the both of you. ‘Cause Mommy’s will be up for grabs, ‘cause Mommy will be up the river with me. See, it was a joint return.
BUD [to Kelly] Think they’ll be out of here by Valentine’s Day? ‘Cause I don’t know about you, Kel, but I’m thinking party.
KELLY Imagine. Both Mom and Dad in jail. We’ll be the coolest kids in school.
BUD Yeah.
PEGGY Now kids, stop worrying. Mommy’s not going anywhere.
AL And why is that, Peg?
PEGGY Oh, Al. You don’t think I’d be stupid enough to sign my name to that return too... This isn’t like a parking ticket. This is what they sent Capone away for!