www.esryle.comLOCAL NEWS ACROSS THE NATION
Posted on 12/23/2004 2:34:27 AM PST by esryle
MIAMI -- It's 10 minutes before the show goes live on the air, and nobody predicted the developing dilemma.
The show's gossip reporter is having second thoughts about dropping his pants on live television to have his buttocks read by local television psychic Professor Jose Miranda.
"What about reading it over my underwear?" asks the reporter, clearly upset and looking very serious.
"I can't see the lines. How do you expect me to give a reading?" the oracle answers, just as serious. "I have to see the lines."
Following an ardent debate, the producers of the phenomenally popular and raunchy late-night talk show La Cosa Nostra on Spanish-language WJAN-TV Channel 41 finally conclude Miranda must ascertain somebody else's future.
Given the show's popularity, and Miranda's buzz that has made him an overnight sensation, the 53-year-old Little Havana soothsayer and self-proclaimed "rumpologist" should foresee no problem finding volunteers.
The program's highly rated rump-shaking segments of scantily clad models and the flamboyant theatrics of Argentine co-host Javier Ceriani have taken a back seat to Miranda's revealing fortune telling.
As it is, on the strength of its other features, the nightly show has been one of the most talked-about programs in the Miami-Dade County area for more than a year. Its grade-school humor exploits are recounted and potty-mouthed catchphrases repeated on Spanish-language radio stations everywhere.
But ever since Miranda appeared on the show and read the fannies of some of the show's regulars, the alleged ancient psychic art form has become the butt of the show's jokes.
"The show has taken a different turn, if that's even possible," segment producer Francisco Chinea said. "He's become the show's most important celebrity. We can't have him on the show enough."
Since his first appearance on the show in late November, the producers have twice invited back Miranda, including one recent show devoted entirely to readings of "nalgas," Spanish for buttocks.
Using bamboo sticks dipped in scented oil and crystals -- though they may appear like garden pebbles to the untrained eye, Miranda assures they are "crystals specially imported from the Orient" -- the butt oracle traces every line, curvature, dimple and imperfection of a person's posterior. He does this, of course, with a straight face.
"The left cheek is the cheek of the future," Miranda said. "The right cheek is the cheek of the present. Your love life, your money, your career, everything is there. It's no different than reading a palm or someone's eyes."
Miranda is quite serious about his craft.
He began his studies into spirituality and numerology as a teenager in Havana. He doesn't claim to have supernatural psychic abilities, sticking mainly to numerology-based fortune telling such as tarot cards and horoscopes.
"Yo no soy brujo," Miranda insisted, meaning he's not a witch.
Since arriving in Miami in 1980 during the Mariel boatlift, Miranda said, he has made a modest living reading fortunes from his home and as a regular guest on local radio and television shows. He won't discuss his rates publicly, nor divulge the size of his clientele.
It wasn't until four years ago that he began delving into rumpology. That was when he met actor Sylvester Stallone's mother, Jacqueline, at a psychic convention. As it turns out, Rocky's mom is a noted rumpologist, devoting an entire Web site to it.
"People are hearing more about it ever since Jackie put it out there," Miranda said. "My clients are always demanding new ways of seeing things. I agree. The more you read, the more accurate the prophecies become."
In some psychic circles, rumpology's not exactly a welcome subject, said Sheree Silver, president of the nonprofit Shiloh Spiritual Center in St. Augustine.
"I can't imagine anyone wasting their time and money on someone like this when there are so many legitimate psychics out there," she said.
Miranda is quick to dismiss his detractors, saying his clients have expressed no complaints and have come back for more. At the same time, Miranda admits that many are bashful about baring themselves in front of him. Fortunately, the magic of technology is available.
"A lot of them prefer to e-mail me their pictures," Miranda said. "I encourage them to send one with a high-resolution."
The trouser-dropping phobia became evident during Miranda's most recent appearance on La Cosa Nostra. With the gossip reporter refusing to go on, and with most of the regulars already having had their behinds read recently, Edwuin Bautista, a disk jockey with radio station WCMQ-92.3 FM, volunteered from the studio audience to be the final spectacle.
Moments later, with the closing credits rolling and the entire studio in hysterics, there on the other end of Miranda's bamboo stick was Bautista's droopy and follicle-adorned rump beholding a fortune.
Both appeared bleak.
Someone who can predict bum luck...
How 'bout that...
Please! No pictures!
So asinine.
ISHP
Alas, remember the episode of Seinfeld that included the doctor with the vanity license plate, ASSMAN.
"And what do you want to do when you grow up, little Jose?"
Never choke in a restaurant in the South...
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
And Miranda falls right about in the middle.
"I can see your life will stink hell."
Fag.
this cracks me up
Heh heh heh
"You can read my butt any day of the week! Where do I get in line?"
This sounds like something Ms. Morford might take a 'crack' at.
Donald Rumpsfelt
Horace Rumphole
half assed story ping
Calling all buttmonkeys.
Moon over Miami?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.