Posted on 12/01/2005 7:35:08 AM PST by Maximus of Texas
I had planned to be a real writer and actually REVIEW the Rolling Stones concert. If my plan had worked, you would be reading a celebration of my wry observations, self-elevating negativity and clever put-downs – the lifeblood of CRITICISM. However, just like my attempts at lovemaking, I failed.
First of all, seating was an issue. I sat in the anus of the arena about 37 feet from heaven. It was impossible to REVIEW anything from that vantage point, except your life.
At 7:30 p.m., loud music issued from the speakers and a rumor metastasized that there was a band on a stage somewhere. The opening act wasn't allowed to use the large video screen, so we in the cheap seats were left to our imagination as to what this band actually looked like.
I tried to pretend they were a handsome boy band with suggestive dancing but got uncomfortable when I turned to see God looking at me with omniscient disgust from 37 feet away. It was very difficult to tap your feet without supplemental oxygen, so we all kept movement to a minimum. I did spot a Sherpa doing the rag before I lost consciousness.
At 9:15 the Stones hit the stage and the altitude sickness lifted. I had my pen and notebook all ready to write down peer-reviewed phrases such as "the Stones have become a parody of themselves," but the paper sailed out of my lap as I screamed, stood up, and dry-humped the guy next to me.
Author's note: Don't sit next to your dad at a Stones concert.
Mick Jagger was incredible. He had energy, stage presence and a merciful ability to distract your eye from the mess that is Ron Wood. Wood looked like a lethargic scarecrow in an advanced state of confusion and The Human Formerly Known as Keith Richards looked like a cross-dressing pirate with a face like the surface of an elephant's ass.
I didn't care; I loved it. I couldn't be a real writer after all.
And I was happier for it.
Who is this Gordon Keith, and can I have him?
dry-hump. snort!
I love his humor. He is a radio personality in Dallas, the 3rd wheel on a sports morning talk show. His role is to throw the 2 hosts off balance with his dark humor.
I can't believe a Dallas newspaper actually printed this piece. You guys must have some liberal readership there.
It's actually a little side piece to their morning paper called QuickDFW. The hand them out downtown for free in hopes you'll buy the main paper later on.
Stay Hard! (Corra....Snake!)
The Stones? The article? The Post? All of the above?
pretty risque, oh goofy off.
thanks for the post. good laugh this morning.
ok, ok, how long am I going to have to pay for that typo???
what, you no like? It's special. Has your name written all over it.
I'll quit, goof off.
Well, if its special then I'll accept it. It's better than Teeny calling me "j$#^off" and Dasher calling me "prisonfodder".
prisonfodder! LOL.
I'm about to fall out of my chair. prisonfodder!...
A review that is an interesting read. I needed that humor this morning!!
You know that two of the folks in Trust went. King and Spurlock. They kept calling us during the concert and holding the phone up so we could hear.
Something about this pic really bugs me but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Makes you horny?
I....don't....think....that's....it.
Ok, sorry. You said something about "putting finger on it", so, you know, I thought....
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