Not your mama's 'birds and bees' (SF Zoo's animal sex tour tells who is gay, who likes it rough)

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, February 15, 2006 | Patricia Yollin, Chronicle Staff Writer

[presidio9]

It was time for the annual Valentine's Day sex tour at the San Francisco Zoo, but none of the permanent residents got the memo. As human voyeurs learned about the torrid world of amorous beasts, most of the animals barely glanced at each other.

"The wind seems to unnerve them," said Jane Tollini, inventor of the tour that has been copied by zoos throughout North America. "And they had a busy weekend."

They did indeed. Tollini, former penguin keeper at the zoo, led excursions Saturday and Sunday and will do the same this weekend. She came up with the idea 17 years ago.

"I like to watch," Tollini said.

Even though there wasn't much to see on Tuesday, there was plenty to hear about.

"This is the most tacky, tasteless, smutty, down-in-the-gutter tour ever created," Tollini told the 80 or so adults who piled onto two trams and devoted three hours to tales of fornicating felines and hermaphrodite ostriches.

"Animals do everything we do, but they do it a little differently," said Tollini, draped in a pink boa with pink hearts. "The only thing I couldn't find was cross-dressing."

Tollini spent 24 years in the zoo before retiring last year. She's seen bondage, polygamy, group sex, homosexuality, sex with inanimate objects and pedophilia.

Starting off with penises, Tollini moved on to vaginas, including ones "so large you could lose your family and your SUV in them," and to cloacas, those "multipurpose holes" useful for urination, defecation, egg-laying and sex.

Tollini said that cassowaries are the most dangerous animals at the zoo but have "fabulous" sex. The crowd had to take it on faith -- its resident birds, Slash and Hazard, were keeping a low profile.

The black rhinos were similarly uninclined.

"Rhino sex is always violent.

[Mike Bates]

"The only thing I couldn't find was cross-dressing."

And I'll bet it wasn't for lack of trying.

[presidio9]

"The gay penguins had the most well-appointed burrows," Tollini recalled. "There were even peacock feathers."

[Spok]

Doesn't San Francisco ever get tired of being goofy?

[presidio9]

Doesn't this story shed some light on how they could find the USS Iowa offensive.

[Reddy]

Can you say AGENDA?

I always laugh when homosexuals justify their "condition" by pointing to how natural homosexuality is in the wild. I guess these zoo animals give those on the tour license to be sickos. They need to get a clue: humans need not behave like animals.

[rattrap]

They do this at the Atlanta Zoo now too, I have a friend who went and she said it was funny.

[KarlInOhio]

"The gay penguins had the most well-appointed burrows," Tollini recalled. "There were even peacock feathers."

This is what happens when HGTV and Animal Planet have to share a channel.

[presidio9]

Newsflash: Animals in zoos do not behave like normal animals.

[rattrap]

Trading Burrows? Nests? Lairs?

[L98Fiero]

"This is what happens when HGTV and Animal Planet have to share a channel."

HGTV - The closest thing to an all-gay channel.

[Disambiguator]

I always thought the gorillas throwing their feces at zoo visitors was entertaining. Sort of like playing dodgeball.

[Idisarthur]

I'm sure with the right guide it can be hilarious but shouldn't they just show video of the acts that they hope to see? Gimmick, if you ask me...

Actually, I've watch recent (2005/2006) documentaries on the National Geographic channel (ch. 108) lately. Let me tell you it is graphic. They have animal footage from Africa that I have never seen in some 30 years of film including Cannibalism and battles between hyennas and lions.

But what I would love to see is an un-editted version of a lion fight; no slow motions or clip stopage. It seems that all film makers censor animal violence.

The only thing that I have seen that comes close to a lion battle is a Brown Bear fight on the Grizzly Man documentary. (Grizzly Man - Treadwell - He died.)

[ClearCase_guy]

You are correct that this is part of the Agenda. And, yes, the homosexuals are driving the agenda.

But enjoying animals as sexual objects is moving on to a further stage in the Agenda: the normalization of bestiality. Normalization of pedophilia and incest is also on the march.

People should be worried.

[stacytec]

"Rhino sex is always violent. It looks like two Jeeps having an argument," she said. "Once copulation begins, they're locked together for well over an hour."

This doesn't suprise me...

[Mike Bates]

I always thought the gorillas throwing their feces at zoo visitors was entertaining.

But in SF the visitors try to catch it.

[Diddle E. Squat]

Animals also kill and/or eat their offspring. Is she rationalizing that as ok for humans, too?

[Idisarthur]

LOL.... Rolling...

That RINO, McCain, needs to go... he is such a loser.

[frgoff]

While conveniently forgetting that animals locked in cages are hardly in their natural habitat.

[presidio9]

Man, that one was too easy.