bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant
and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you
give to someone you love?
You know.. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
...well, I guess they are better then the Cheeto’s jokes...* smiles*
A husband ask his wife what she would like for her birthday. She replied a divorce. Oh, I wasn’t planning on spending that much her husband said.
Why my husband is getting a divorce.
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’
I thought....
Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, ‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,’You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..’
I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’
We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day... We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?’
I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
Husband: "I can do one or the other..."
A lonely older gentleman had been feeling down for a while, so his friends decided to pay a hooker to cheer him up. She arrives at his door and whispers, “I’m here to give you super sex.” The old man thinks a moment and says, “I’ll take the soup.”
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
“Oh, no ma’am, we don’t go there to talk.”
I have an uncle that for decades has claimed hearing loss. My wife is a geriatric specialist, and she noted that he can hear everything. So, she whispered to him across a table at a restaurant and he answered just him, then winked.
How about this one!
Elderly couple sitting in rocking chairs on their porch, pleasant day.
The woman hauls back and smacks the old man really hard.
He rubs his face. “What in the world was that for?”
She looks at him matter-of-factly and says “That’s for having such a small penis all these years.” She starts rocking again.
The old man sets himself straight again, rocks back and forth for awhile, then after being lost in thought for a few minutes, smacks the old woman completely out of her chair.
She asks “What was THAT for?”
He replies, “FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE!”
Two cannibals are having supper and one says: “I hate my mother-in-law”. His friend replies: “So, try the potatoes.”
And old man and old woman are sitting on a park bench.
Old woman: “I think I just did a silent but deadly.”
Old man: “I think you need a hearing aid.”
An elderly couple are sitting in the nursing home courtyard. One turns to the other and says “I never went streaking back when that was the fad. You want to do it now?” The other says “What have we got to lose now?” So they take off their clothes and run around the courtyard past an older couple on a bench. After they pass the man turns to the woman and says “What we’re they wearing?” “I don’t know, but it sure needed ironing.”
The Doc tells Lem, "Well then, here's a test you can do to see how bad it is. When she's in the kitchen, go down the hall and speak to her in a slightly elevated volume. If she doesn't respond then move about 5 feet closer and keep doing that until she answers you. Then let me know how that goes."
So, Lem tries it that night while his wife is at the stove cooking dinner.
"Hey honey? What's for supper?" says Lem from the end of the hallway. Getting no response he moves closer and tries again.
"Hey honey...what's for supper?"
Again getting no response he tries again from the kitchen door. Surely she'll here him now, he thinks.
"Hey honey...what's for dinner?"
His wife turns to face him and yells, "For Pete's sake ya deaf old fart, I told you three times! FRIED CHICKEN!"
Three pastors and their wives, on their way to a retreat in the mountains, hit a patch of black ice, slide off the road and over a cliff.
Next they know, the six are at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter.
The first pastor walks up to St. Peter and says, “I’m pastor Bob, and I’ve been doing the Lords work for 20 years.”
St. Peter replies, “Pastor Bob, we know about you, you sin is gluttony, eating every chance you get, eating a sandwich while delivering you sermon, why you thought of food so much you even married a woman called Peaches. I’m sorry but there is not a place in Heaven for you.”
The second pastor walks up to St. Peter and says, “I’m pastor Bill, and I’ve been doing the Lords work for 20 years.”
St. Peter replies, “Pastor Bill, we know about you, you sin is greed, you would pass the collection plate two and three time per service, why you thought of money so much you even married a woman called Penny. I’m sorry but there is not a place in Heaven for you.”
After seeing this, the third pastor turns to his wife and says, “Well Fanny, I guess we best get goin.”
The man hated to put his father in assisted living, but he was having trouble remembering to turn off burners and had a kitchen fire.
His father refused to go. They argued bitterly.
Eventually the father agreed.
The old man stood in the nursing home picture window behind his walker trying to hide the tears as he watched his son drive away.
The son returned the next day. He was pleased to see that his father was very happy.
“Why the change of heart Dad? What happened?”
“Well, I found out that when the nurses give us guys sponge baths if you get a `stiffy’ they give you heh heh a real rubdown!
“There’s a downside though, son. If you fall down they give you an enema.”
Work was hectic but a week or so later the son returns to visit. His father is in restraints and furious.
“What happened Pop?!”
“I told you about the sponge bath and the enema, right?
Well, I’m getting a stiffy about once a week but I’m falling down several times a day.”
Three elderly men were sitting on a bench in the backyard of their retirement home.
One says, “I’m not the man I used to be. I have to urinate constantly but never get more than a dribble.”
Second man says, “I know what you mean. I haven’t had a good bowel movement in years. I have to go five or six times every day.”
Third man looks glum and says, “I have a bladder draining stream every morning at 6 am.”
Tears start to leak down his face.
“I have a great bowel movement every morning at 7 am.”
His friends look at him and ask him why he isn’t happy that his plumbing is in such great shape?
Blubbering, he replies, “I don’t get out of bed until 8 am!”