Posted on 03/17/2017 12:30:57 AM PDT by American72
Our older son is finally moving out next week. He is 23 and has worked for our small business throughout his young adult life, but hadn't been able to find full time work that would pay enough to live on his own. He did pay rent while living here after college.
The problem is that he has completely rejected our family values. I guess he was indoctrinated in college unfortunately. This was a kid that went with us to the original Bush rallies during the recount and was proud to be American, and even wrote a paper on my great great grandfather who was a Civil War veteran (Confederate).
He and I got into it last year after I caught him trying to indoctrinate my 13 year old about Bernie Sanders. I told him he could believe whatever he wanted but he would not push his views on his sister.
Later on he became a Hillary supporter and wrote blogs about how "horrified" he was about Trump. He wrote a blog recently called "Why Liberals Lose" and it basically said that liberals know they are smarter than conservatives, and they just have to learn how to convey their message better so that conservatives will understand it. WTH.
We rarely talk anymore outside of general pleasantries. It is upsetting to know he finds his Dad and I stupid and "intolerant." He said we haven't had anything good to say about Democrats in his lifetime. It's hard to have good things to say about them when their values and behaviors are completely 180 form what we believe.
The sad thing is, he is a big Christian. He was raised Lutheran, but has decided to convert to Eastern Orthodoxy. I honestly don't understand any of that, but I am staying out of it.
He rejects anything we say to him anymore. He is moving 800 miles away, and I'm sad to think this is it, and this is how this phase of our parenting is ending. I can pray he sees the light as he gets out in the real world.
Have any of you dealt with this? And if so, any advice or words of wisdom?
I feel like a failure here, and I'm sure I'll hear from some how I royally screwed up. I'm just praying there is hope for the future.
Most parents fail their children because they ban mistakes.
The road to success is accepting, even encouraging mistakes. Do not ridicule them.
If a child always has a safe place to return,
and can openly make mistakes,
there is no limit to what he can accomplish.
No limit.
I don’t mean to pick at nits, but I believe the utterance was “to be young and conservative is to be without a heart; to be old and liberal is to be without a brain” by no less than, IIRC, the masterful Winston Churchill.
Give him a few years of supporting himself and paying taxes. Chances are he’ll become at least somewhat more conservative. Don’t preach or fight about it, at least not if you want to ever see your grandkids.
I have experience in this from a Christian viewpoint. My wife and I raised our children with Christian beliefs and values. We took them to church and everyday we would read to them from the Bible, Book of Virtues, etc. My wife and I would discuss Christian principles and pray/sing with them at bedtime. My two oldest got it and were no trouble, but my youngest daughter rebelled to the point that at 18 years old I had to tell her to leave my house. It was a tough decision, but she refused to stop doing drugs and she put us in jeopardy by bringing drugs into our house or having them in her car in our driveway. We didn’t see much of her for two years and expected any day to get a visit from the police telling us that she was dead from a drug overdose. She got really low and linked up with a guy who was abusive and controlling. A lot of bad things happened to her and she was arrested twice and spent a year on probation. We put her in God’s hands and there were many friends and family praying for her daily.
One day she “woke up” and realized that she wanted to come back to God. It was a gradual process (eight years now), and along with an immoral lifestyle she had picked up a lot of “liberal” values. I was happy that she was back and when we started to clash on a “conservative vs. liberal” issue I mostly let it go, or tried to focus her back to a Biblical worldview.
She became a hairdresser and had a good job in a top rated salon. She moved back into my house and was paying rent (yes, I gave her the family discount). She started going back to church and got involved in Bible studies. As she got closer to God she became more frustrated with her work environment and wanted to serve God in a special way. Her boss agreed to give her a leave of absence to go on a long term (6 month) mission trip. After she returned she felt burdened to do more and decided to commit her life to full time Christian missionary work. I am so proud of her and am in awe of God and the power of prayer.
Not every prodigal story ends so well, but I believe one of the most neglected assets we have is the power of prayer, and I hope this is an encouragement.
Prager University is good. Look it up.
That is incredible. How can they resent you owning a business? Is it that in itself or do they not like the particular type of business? Like do you own a gun shop or a Christian bookstore or something along those lines? If the nature of the business is ideologically neutral and they are objecting simply to free enterprise and making a profit, then wow they really are some serious commies.
Nope. Pops hated that I didn’t work for the government. In his world the number 1 goal in life was to get a gov’t job and retire from said gov’t job. Nothing else mattered.
ME. I started a business after I got fired from 5 or 6 private industries (aerospace). Now, I travel the world consulting for companies in composites manufacturing. The goal of my parents? Get a county gov’t job, work there for 20 years and retire. Never take risks and always vote progressive. Who needs Airbus when you can collect a yearly bonus?
One time my oldest son and I were discussing politics (never try to argue with a liberal...I know...I know) drew his own conclusions during one of our political discussions. He thought it was an original thought. It was like he had an epiphany when it dawned on him how socialist concepts really work. He finally understood that it was an ideology with precepts driven by emotion (class and racial warfare; jealousy, equality or rather the illusion) to manipulate other people into doing the heavy lifting so they could enjoy the fruits of their labor. I also remember when he landed his first "real" job and called me complaining about how high his taxes were. I said something to the effect of, " Welcome to the real world, son. You didn't really think all those government benefits were free did you? Oh and by the way, some of that money is paying for other people's food stamps, housing, healthcare, so they don't have to work and many never have..."
My oldest son "gets it" now but we did quite a bit of head butting getting there. You will never win an argument with a liberal and you can't reason with them. Let them draw their own conclusions at tge School of Hard Knocks... They always come back...lol
Give it time.
I believe it was Churchill who said anyone in their twenties who is not a liberal has no heart. And anyone in their forties who is not a conservative has no brains.
Each person is different. I know I gave my parents fits as I found my own voice. My daughter did the same to me. You may never agree on anything but the love will come back.
>> I feel like a failure here
You have a son who’s thinking independently and finding his way in life. That’s not an indication of failure on your part.
There are at least 100 million people affecting the political juggernaut. So don’t make it a priority within your family.
you’ve been fired from your job but you have to keep good relations with the boss because you have mutual relatives. That’s how you handle it.
Keep the door open on your terms. Short polite neutral subject once-a-month-on-Sunday phone conversations. Set a timer to remind you to keep it short and on a high note. If it strays to politics or religion, end it (something on the stove! gotta go!). Send birthday and Christmas cards. Meet publically in a quiet café where he can feel more adult, and keep with the short, polite conversations - order just coffee so you can leave if you need to avoid a conflict - and leave with a compliment - don’t engage. Invite him to be part of extended family affairs - weddings, recitals, sports, etc. Same as if he were your ex-boss married to your wife’s aunt’s favorite daughter.
It’s his time to fly - and to crash and burn a few times. It’s time for a new chapter in your life, too. Go make it. Your daughter’s waiting.
What a great topic. You are not alone. Really enjoying and taking to heart the well thought out responses.
My advice? Please don’t let differing viewpoints destroy your relationship with your son. Nothing in the world is more important than family.
At his age, it’s perfectly normal for him to reject the previous generation’s values, whether temporarily or permanently. It’s part of growing up.
I have very few friends whose views are the same as mine. But we can respect each others’ views, and find common ground on some of them. The keyword is respect.
Rest assured, you’re not a failure. However, you will fail if you let politics tear your family apart. Let your son know that you respect him even though you don’t agree with him, and tell him that you also expect him to respect you even though he doesn’t agree with you. In this way, he can no longer accuse you of being intolerant, because you’re laying down the ground rules for the relationship: That you all must be tolerant of each other.
Take heart in knowing that he hasn’t really rejected your values, though it may seem so on the surface. After all, he paid you rent, rather than being a freeloader. He’s still Christian. He worked at your small business. Those are important values which he has learned from you, and you can be proud of that.
Don’t talk politics . Not worth losing your kid over.
First, tell him you love him. Second, tell him in a cold, clear manner what he is going to find out there in the real world (write this down for him so that when he wises up he won’t be able to dodge the fact that you were right about how things are in this world and that you always had his best interest at heart even when he was busy being a young indoctrinated fool.) Third, tell him he is welcome back at any time as long as he can maintain a civil manner with you and your husband. And finally, tell him good bye and wish him the best. It’s up to him now.
From my personal experience, young leftists revert back to the right when confronted to the reality of the workplace. So there is hope.
Our son was a straight-A student in high school, four year letter in golf and an Eagle Scout. Conservative, even went to a school trip to DC one year and listened to Rush on the radio. Moved out when he graduated and got hooked on heroin and our life (and his) have never recovered.
We spent years trying to get him straightened out but finally realized we were wasting our time and money. He is still on drugs, been in and out of jail many times, lied and stolen from us, violent towards us, etc., etc., etc. We haven't seen him in 8 years and are happy about it. The drama and stress of dealing with him was much worse than the fact that we had lost a good son to drugs and bad judgements.
Our daughter, on the other hand, was trouble in school and was in and out of juvenile detention for drugs and running away. She eventually graduated from an alternative high school and made some bad mistakes in judgement for a few years, like getting a DUI.
But now she has a good job, has her massage therapist license, never asks for money, talks to her mother everyday on the phone and has gone back to school at night to get her degree. She is a smart, accomplished, well-adjusted young lady now and we couldn't be happier.
So it is inexplicable why some kids turn out okay and others don't. We gave them both love and attention. We were involved in their lives at school, sports and scouting. We went on a lot of family camping trips together. We attended church and Sunday school regularly with them. But one child turned out okay and the other didn't.
And it was not the way it was supposed to be, but it is the way it is. Sometimes you just have to accept the good and the bad and not fret too much about what "you" did wrong. We are at peace with both of our adult children, even though they turned out to be polar opposites in adult life.
You'll need a lot of tears, regrets and prayers to deal with your son's rebellion. Some get over it and others never do. But don't spend too much time blaming yourself as a parent. If you've done right by them as kids, the rest is up to them as adults, not you.
Good luck with your son. Been there done that.
When he was a baby you carried him. When he learned to walk he fell, a lot, but you didn’t keep carrying him every where just because he fell. Walking leads to biking and swimming and he will get hurt as he moves through life.
He has to figure it all out. In the most important way, his faith, he holds on, though life can challenge that too.
Your job was to nurture him and send him into the world, not to clone a version of yourselves. As others have said, give him a chance to fail or find his way and always ask our Lord, Jesus for His strength.
My sister in law and my older sister are both liberal and both quirky, they both start yelling rather than discuss and they both have been kicked out of my house. They both have made a lifetime of stupid decisions and their children are all just as stupid as they are.
But the rest of my 150 some odd relatives are normal Americans. Go figure.
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