Husband: What do you want for Valentines?
Wife: Get me something that will make be look sexy.
Husband: A gym membership?
Husband comments that wife should quit watching cooking demonstration shows, as they have had no effect on her skills in the kitchen.
Wife replies that he might want to consider giving up watching porn for a similar reason.
I come back from a grocery run with maybe two hundred dollars worth of booze, and my wife yells at me.
So I told her she sometimes spends just as much on clothes and makeup and fancy shampoos and stuff.
So she says “I want to look beautiful for you, honey!”
And I say “that’s what the booze is for!”
She says I can stop sleeping on the couch maybe next week.