Need help/advice for coping with a dying father

Me | 7/12/2018 | Me

[Maudeen]

I lost both of my parents in 2013. . .my best friends. Hold to the memories. . .but most importantly, put your trust and hope in Jesus. All of us are here on earth for a little while. The main thing is our relationship with Jesus. When we get that straightened out things fall into place better. . .just knowing He already is in our tomorrows. The only regret that anyone can have is not being sure a loved one is saved. No matter what condition. . .always try to make sure they know Christ as their Savior.

Heavenly Father, You are the God Almighty, Creator and Ruler of All. We come petitioning prayer for MountainWalker and his family and especially his father. We ask for a hedge of protection while he is being cared for, his strength and comfort. Even though his condition sounds grim, You can perform miracles. Please work in the lives of this family. . .they need to know that You are the Solid Rock. . .the Foundation for living. Let this be a time of testimony to Your Glory. Thank you for hearing our prayers in the Precious Name of Jesus, Amen

[pepsionice]

My dad in 2013, at 83...would have been considered in the top two percent of folks his age for good health and capability. I don’t think he had spent more than three nights in a hospital in his entire life. For three years, he had talked of leg cramps...ever increasing.

After a run of tests....terminal cancer, stage four. The cramps weren’t really cramps and one might blame marginal doctor care for missing this. From that day, it was about five months later when he passed (he did do chemo and that extended him for 60 days, but you could say that it was marginally effective).

For me, there were two versions of my dad. Version one was the one I’d known for 57 years. Version two was the one that you had to see as person lessening in health each day. The second person is the one that you went as far as possible to ensure a pain-free day. You have people who want to come and visit in the last four to six weeks....but he was pumped up on pain-killers and he didn’t really recognize anyone.

In some ways, you come to appreciate heart attacks. The quickness makes this just one sudden pain. Drawing this out over several months...simply frustrates you more. It’s best to remember the best acts of your dad, and how positive consequences occurred often, thus making you a better person in the end.

[Rusty0604]

Prayers for you, your family and your dad. It sounds like your step mom is a wonderful wife and caregiver to your dad. The feelings you describe are natural to a certain extent for many that are losing or have lost a parent. I know I did when I went through that with my parents. Don’t dwell on the negative things. Just dwell on the positive things about your dad’s life and your life, it sounds like there are many such things, and thank God for them. It sounds like you have a wonderful future ahead, one that would make your father proud.

[MS.BEHAVIN]

You are going through almost exactly what I went through with my Dad.

The first thing I would tell you is, there is no such thing as “just grieving”
It is REAL and it hurts and you you suddenly feel like everything is slipping out of control, and is it all worth it,
and I tell you, you bet it is!
You have heard I’m sure, that when the Lord closes one door, he opens another, right?
Your wife is expecting, right?
Has God not opened another door to you?

Now go and thank Him, and rejoice.

“To everything, there is a season and a time for every purpose under Heaven”

[alexander_busek]

I wouldn't be opposed to faith based healing, but I'm neither sure nor unsure that it's right for me.

I read your essay, which was very clear and understandable, but had to stop at this point, because it seemed as though you had suddenly become intentionally vague / wanted to "skirt" the issue.

Now is not the time to be a "fence-sitter."

Either faith-based healing is real and effective, or it is not. I.e., either it is a self-delusion, a fraud, superstition, or at best a hit-and-miss / last-ditch attempt to deal with self-imagined ailments and minor psychosomatic complaints like back-aches and stiff joints - or it is a reputable, sane, and sober strategy to address real illnesses and obvious disabilities like blindness, dementia, hemophilia, and amputated limbs.

So either you believe in Holy Scripture, in which case you would trust in faith healing as a reliable course of action to deal with major medical issues and not quibble about whether it's "right for you" (but wait: Do you mean "right for you" or "right for your father?"), or you will put it aside and focus on empirically proven therapies recommended by traditional medicine (and resign yourself to the inevitable when clinically proven therapies are not yet available).

Regards,

[KTM rider]

keep reminding yourself that this time will pass and that he lived a full life.

keep in mind that eternity begins now there is no past there is only future, the time is now

You cannot control this circumstance, but you can control how you handle it.

God is not in a church he is in everything, seek and the Holy spirit will guide you and lift you up

I know this , because at around 40 I also had a traumatic life event and The Lord pulled me through, although the church has failed me, I have not lost faith.

Dissapointment with God is just another test.

Read the book of Job

[Kathy in Alaska]

Prayers of peace for your Dad, and for you and your wife. (Click)

My 92 year old Mom went Home in September...she had Alzheimers and Dementia. I had lots of FReeper friends to talk to to share my days ups and downs...I was the 7p to 7a care giver, and had a professional during the day while I worked. Talking with FRiends was really good, but the very best was finding the local Alzheimier's support group. Only a few had family with advanced Alzheimer's, but talking to folks going through the exact same thing, at the same time was most helpful. And I could even offer some help. The more I learned about the disease, the "easier" to see and accept what was happening. Find an Alzheimer's support group.

[Greenpees]

Accept what is, Change what is within your ability to change. Regret is a waste of life.

[Kathy in Alaska]

So, so true about not getting caught up in the guilt trip.

I wish I would have found the support group earlier...I now know that Mom was starting down the Alzheimer’s Dementia road several years ago and I wouldn’t have taken a few things so personal at times.

[Davy Crocket]

My father went through this when he was 61-68 years old. It is very hard on the family.. I know it is really tough. Sorry for your family which has to go through this. Have you tried some of the new drugs out for dementia? I’ll be thinking of you and your family and saying prayers.

[luvie]

On it. Prayer Warriors, join with me to support this FReeper in his distress concerning his beloved father.

Prayers of comfort, courage and strength for his father and for the whole family.

[Jack Hammer]

One is never ‘ready’ for bereavement. However much one prepares, it’s always different and more severe.

Read Raymond Moody and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Strengthen or re-established your relationship with God.

[metmom]

And sorry for yours.

Yes, it take s long time to recover.

After my mom passed, if it weren’t for the fact that I had three little children (2, 4, and 6) to take care of and force me out of bed in the mornings to cook for them and clean up after them, I would have sunk into a deep depression.

She passed in April and it was easily July before I felt the least inclined to do anything that I absolutely did not have to do.

Some friends encourage me to get the kids to swim lessons and I dragged my feet about it, but finally figured, what the heck and took them. It was like waking up.

We were fortunate because my mom was very wise financially.

YEARS before, she had taken care of things financially that would ensure that if anything happened to her, as much of her property as possible was beyond the reach of the government. She had sold her house to all us kids for $1 each and had a document drawn up that we HAD to let her live there unless two medical professionals determined that she w as incapable of living alone.

Also, when she was at the end stages of caner and we knew she was dying, my sister, (under my mom’s direction) who was joint with her on all her banking, transferred most of the money into another joint account with another sibling, and opened another safe deposit box and transferred the contents into that.

That way, when she passed and the bank froze all the assets, there was nothing to worry about, no problem with not being able to access any critical documents like birth certificates etc. and there were no family fortunes in that box, but access to those important documents was very helpful.

But if by some miracle she recovered, we’d have put everything back and nothing was changed.

[metmom]

Amen.

Agreeing with you in prayer.

[Persevero]

You are grappling with death and all it’s terrible ramifications. This is spiritual in nature. God provides the only hope for these concerns. I encourage you to develop your relationship with God through prayer, Bible reading, worship, obedience. Find a Bible believing church. God has the only help for the real harshness of our existence.

[Salvation]

For you and your step-mom — Let go and let God.

**It’s been utter hell, and we haven’t even bearing the brunt of it. My stepmom has but has been handling it like a trooper, at least outwardly to the best extent that she can. **

[Blue Jays]

That was a remarkable and endearing narrative you wrote about your dad, MountainWalker.
Hopefully just allowing those words to flow out through your fingertips and onto the page helped.
Stay strong, keep helping your mom, and know that people are thinking of you.

[Salvation]

** I was raised Catholic, but**

Once you are baptized a Catholic — you are always a Catholic. Call your nearest Catholic Church for help. They may have a class for people like you who have relative who are dying.

Sit down with the priest — make an appointment. One bad Pope does not destroy the entire Catholic Church.

[metmom]

It was actually my m-i-0l’s caregiver, a close family friend to boot, who went to the support group and shared whatw she learned.

It was a TREMENDOUS help.

We were looking into one here at the time she passed.

We were at the point of considering assisted living, which she would have fought tooth and nail, but she as not safe to leave alone anymore, in large part cause she was a heavy chain smoker.

[Catmom]

Find yourself a GOOD priest and a parish with a good men’s group and take it from there.

God’s ways are always the right ones even if they don’t seem easy. He made you. You are His son and He is your father and He will take you through everything. God bless.