A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it ...eventually'.
Stop me if you heard this one: two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string here.” The piece of string goes outside, twists himself into a knot and musses his ends and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you that piece of string I just threw out of here?” The piece of string says, “A frayed knot.”
I think it’s worth more than a tee hee.....cute!
Of course I, seizing the opportunity, said 'Okay, you're a cab.'
8~)
Since sodpoodle started this madness, glad to make a few contributions:
— A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, “ the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”
— Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”
— A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”
— Here’s a quote that seems fairly balanced, nonpartisan and prescient:
“Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”
— Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.