To: sodpoodle
- 1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
- 2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
- 3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- 4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
- 5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
- 6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
- 7.Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
- 8.A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
- 9.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- 10.Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
- 11.When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
- 12.My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
- 13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- 14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
- 15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- 16.I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- 17.Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
- 18.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
- 19.Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
- 20.A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
- 21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
- 22.What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- 23.Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
- 24.Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
- 25.Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- 26.My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- 27.Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
- 28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
- 29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- 30.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
- 31.And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
- 32.What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
- 33.I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
- 34.What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
- 35.Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
15 posted on
11/20/2019 4:40:27 AM PST by
Pollard
(If you don't understand what I typed, you haven't read the classics.)
To: Pollard
Thank you - so much better;)
17 posted on
11/20/2019 4:41:27 AM PST by
sodpoodle
(Life is prickly - carry tweezers)
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