Posted on 08/07/2020 9:50:09 AM PDT by Colonial35
A sign in the front window of a business in VP Pence’s home town in Indiana reads....
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI,
HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD
THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!!
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting,
Indiana (VP Pence’s home town).
You are probably either outraged, or saddened, or elated, depending on your
political persuasion. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech
as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all…it is just a sign.
You may ask, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: Owen’s Funeral Home (You Gotta love the Midwest, eh!) ?
Why seniors never change their passwords
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: Cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: Boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbages ShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbages ShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,
he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs
of America Convention in Boston .”
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him,
and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
“What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“ Really?” he said.
“And what kind of myths are there?”
“ Well,” she explained,
“One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed
of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely
to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck.” ?
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“ I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you.
I don’t even know your name...”
“Tonto,” the man said, “ Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his
free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,
“You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and
killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.
“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.
I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,
“You’ve still got to do something about these drivers.
The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good.
Can I put up my own sign?”
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, “Sure.
Put up your own sign.”
“The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better
of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack,
“How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”
The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a
look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police
could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign
‘NUDIST COLONY’
‘Slow down and watch for chicks!’
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked
a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer;
and he threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes.
Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese.
FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply
in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young,
I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below
zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.
I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time.
Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
ISTER MARY ANN’S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’!!
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’
At a nunnery, the beloved mother superior fell ill and clearly had not long to live.
To ease her final days, the nuns began putting a little whisky in her
daily bowl of milk.
On the mother superior’s final day, the nuns crowded around her and one said,
“Mother, you are so wise. You must have some sage advice to leave to us.”
The mother superior sat bolt upright and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.
The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron,
12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark
particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.
Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact
with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons
within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that
Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium,
both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy,
albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many
morons as Pelosium.
Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected
chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction
to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less
than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive.
Botox seems to distort and smooth it’s surface, without impeding it’s ongoing decay.
Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years,
at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation,
appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties.
In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases
after each transmutation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in
the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage
occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best
maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can
be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
LOL!!
It’s great to see a silliness thread again. Thanks for starting it.
Here is my contribution:
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom, and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please!”
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